One of our PRS Operatives managed to obtain copies of tapes that were produced by the recording system that Hillary Clinton had installed on the telephones in her office.  The transcrpit of the calls appears below.  Note:  The person identified in the transcript as “Monica” is Monica Flowers, Senator Clinton’s Administrative Assistant.

RINNNNNGGGGG

Monica:  “Senator, it’s Howard Dean for you.”

Hillary:  “Damn, I hate when he calls.  OK.  Put him through.”

Howard:  “Hello, Hillary?”

Hillary:  “Hello, Howie.  How are you today?”

Howard:  “Super!  I’m absolutely super!  Feelin’ great!”

Hillary:  “That’s good.  What can I do for you, Howie?”

Howard:  “I was awake all night with this great idea I had, and I couldn’t wait to call you about it.”

Hillary:  “Really?  What was the idea?”

Howard:  “It’s fantastic!  I’m going to have a large letter “G” tattooed to the left cheek of my ass and a large letter “P” tattooed to the right cheek of my ass.  And, the next time I’m on television, you know — like ‘Meet the Press’ or some shit — I can whip off my pants and bend over in front of the camera, spread my cheeks, and I’ll spell “GOP”.  Get it?  The letter “O” will be formed by …”

Hillary:  “Christ, Howie.  Have you stopped taking your medication again?”

Howard:  “Medication?”

Hillary:  “The Thorazine, Howie.  You promised us you would take it every day.”

Howard:  “I don’t remember anything about that.  Listen, I gotta run.  I got an appointment with a tattoo parlor in ten minutes.  Bye bye.

click

Hillary: (on intercom)  “Monica, call Bill and tell him I want something done about Howard Dean sooner rather than later. Bill will know what to do.”
RINNNNNGGGGG

Monica:  “Senator, it’s David Gregory for you.”

Hillary:  “David, it’s good to hear from you.  You looked and sounded terrific last night on the news.  You do a wonderful job.  To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?”

David:  “I was calling to thank you for the excellent French Wine.  I looked all over for that vintage, but I was unable to find it.  All the wine sellers told me that it is very rare and very expensive, and yet you managed to come up with four cases!”

Hillary:  “Nothing but the best for my friends, Dave.  You know that.”

David:  “Oh, I know, and don’t think I don’t appreciate it.  And, by the way, Helen Thomas wanted me to thank you for the year’s supply of Ensure.”

Hillary:  “You’re most welcome, Dave, and so is Helen.”

David:  “OK, then.  Bye …”

Hillary:  “Oh Dave, there’s one thing.”

David:  “Yes?”

Hillary:  “That new Press Secretary, Tony Snow . . .”

David:  “Don’t worry.  I’ve got your back, and so does Helen.”

Hillary:  “Have a nice day, Dave.”

David:  “You too, Hill.”

click
RINNNNNGGGGG

Hillary:  “Dammit, Monica.  Who is it?  I don’t want to spend all damned day on the phone.”

Monica:  “Senator, he says he’s a pastor of a Washington D.C. church, and he wants to speak with you.  I asked him what it was about, but he said that he is certain that you will be interested in speaking with him.”

Hillary:  “Oh, all right.  Put the pain in the ass through.”

Pastor:  “Hello.  Is this Senator Clinton?”

Hillary:  “Yes, this is Senator Clinton.”

Pastor:  “Senator, my name is Reverend Paul Armitage.  I am the Pastor at the First Presbyterian Church here in the City.  At the outset, I want to tell you what an honor it is to speak with you.”

Hillary:  “Thank you.  You’re very kind.  What can I do for you, Reverend?”

Pastor:  “I’d like to enlist your help in connection with a program we are running for homeless children in the area.  Every other week, we transport fifty or so homeless children to the church for lunch and an afternoon of fun.  The children and their parents love it.”

Hillary:  “That’s nice; and, what would you like me to do?”

Pastor:  “I thought it would be wonderful if you would stop by and read to the children.  They love story time, and I thought that, what with your history of concern for children’s issues and the wonderful book you wrote about raising children, you’re reading them a story would be just perfect.  I’m sure the children would be very pleased.”

Hillary:  “Sounds like a marvelous program.  Will there be press there?”

Pastor:  “No, Senator.  Our focus with this program is on the children.  It’s not a political event.”

Hillary:  “No press?  You’ve got to be shitting me.”

Pastor:  “Excuse me?”

Hillary:  “You must be out of your damned mind if you think I’m going to piss away an afternoon reading to a bunch of kids, if there won’t be any press there.”

Pastor:  “But Senator, it’s not a political event.”

Hillary:  “I think you’ve wasted enough of my damned time.”

Pastor:  “But what about the children?”

Hillary:  “They’re not my goddamned problem.  Get some-damned-body else to read to the little bastards.  Not me. There are plenty of saps in this town who would be happy to waste a half day in your goddamned church basement reading goddamned kiddy books.  Go bother them.”

Pastor:  “Senator, I am shocked and disappointed by your response.

Hillary:  “Oh, I’m crushed.  Now, piss off.”

click

Hillary:  “Monica, get the car here right away.  I’m late for my bikini wax.”

NOTE:  See the screwed up formatting above?  See how italics appear when they shouldn’t?  See the big space at the bottom?  All that is because WordPress randomly inserts, removes and changes tags.  When one tries to fix it, either directly or via the html page, things often become worse (e.g. repeating the same line twice).  When this happened with earlier posts, I thought it was because I was cutting and pasting from Word.  However, this post was composed on Notepad and then pasted in.  I wonder what surprises adding this note to the end of this post will bring.  I need a drink.