Celebrity Boxing.
It has been reported that Joey Buttafuoco, the Long Island charmer who convinced his then-seventeen year old girlfriend, to shoot his wife in the head, and O.J. Simpson, the well known sensitive guy and tireless searcher for the real killer(s) of his wife and Ronald Goldman, will met each other in a boxing match. (Thanks to Not Quite Tea and Crumpets for the link).
Sensing an opportunity to cash in on this latest twist in reality programming, other celebrities are planning to engage in public pugilistic encounters. Parkway Rest Stop, the “Sports Insider,” has learned of some of the more notable matches that will take place in the near future. As a public service, I will list them here, and as a bonus, I will provide the guaranteed outcome of each match. Here we go:
The Match
Monica “Kid†Lewinsky vs. Hillary “Chainsaw†Clinton
The Result
Hillary wins, but only after calling in three ghostboxers to beat the hapless and out-of-shape Lewinsky to a pulp.
The Match
George “Cowpoke†Bush vs. Al “Totem†Gore
The Result
Bush wins in a decision, but only after protracted litigation, arising from Gore’s claim that the errant punches he threw should have been counted as “intended hits.†Gore’s handlers are still fuming over the result, insisting that Gore lost because the judge who ruled in Bush’s favor has a second cousin who once voted republican.
The Match
John “57†Kerry vs. Howard “The Burlington Yawn†Dean
The Result
No one wins. The match was called off because nobody gave a shit.
The Match
David “Shingles†Letterman vs. Jay “The Chin†Leno
The Result
Leno wins by disqualification when Letterman could not answer the bell after breaking his hand on Leno’s chin.
The Match
Alan “Hawkeye†Alda vs. Mike “B.J.†Farrell
The Result
After twelve rounds, the match is called a draw when neither contestant would strike the other, both proclaiming that fighting is never the answer.
The Match
Sammy “Corky†Sosa vs. Mark “Maris Shmaris†McGwire
The Result
Sosa knocks McGwire out in the second round, but the bout is ultimately awarded to McGwire when it was discovered that Sosa had secreted lead weights in his gloves.
