Santa Claus
North Pole

Re: Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I feel a little bit strange writing to you, seeing as how I am probably better known around the world than you are. But, I must confess that I still haven’t figured out how to make reindeer fly (even though I am working on that), so I think it won’t hurt to drop you a line to tell you what I would like for Christmas.

You should know that I have been a really, really good boy man. The William Ayers thing was bullshit (pardon my French, Santa) as was the Reverend Wright thing and the Rezko thing. I’m also proud that I didn’t kick Michelle’s ass for saying that dumb shit (oooopsie, Santa!) during the campaign. I even made friends with Hillary, the Satanic Swinette. Like I said: I’ve been really extra superdoubleplus good.

So, here is my list:

1. Some kind of device on my phone that will make John Kerry stop calling me whining about the Secretary of State deal.

2. Something really heavy to fall on Bill Clinton’s head. You know, like a safe falling from the 23rd floor of a building. Sort of like the Road Runner – Wylie Coyote thing. Splat! That would be really cool.

3. One of those swishy guys to give Michelle a few fashion tips. (Psssssst. Please don’t tell her I asked for this. She’ll kick my ass. Ooooopsie!)

4. humility

5. Most of all (and I really, really mean most of all) could you visit a case of total and irreversible amnesia on that Blagojevich guy?

Thanks, Santa. And just so you know … if you do right by me, there’ll be something in it for you. I’m thinking an Ambassadorship to some place where it’s warm. How’s Liberia grab you?

Your pal,
Barack