I am a huge fan of Jeff Goldstein’s Protein Wisdom. I read it every day, and I continue to marvel at Jeff’s seemingly boundless creativity. In truth, I sometimes suspect that he has some really gnarly snakes crawling around in his head, but I wish I knew where I could buy some just like them for my cruller.

One thing that never ceases to catch my interest is his uncanny ability to carry on a conversation with inanimate objects (or, at least, I had always thought they were inanimate objects). For example, he has had conversations with a McIntosh Apple and with his Levis.

Well, because, as they say, “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery,” and also because I have often wanted to talk to my pants, I decided to give it a try.

Me: “Yo! Dockers! Hayadooin’?”

Dockers:

Me: “Perhaps you didn’t hear me. I said ‘hello’.”

Dockers:

Me: “So, what are your thoughts on the upcoming election? Kerry? Bush? What?”

Dockers:

Me: “What’s up? Have you signed some kind of exclusive deal with that Jeff guy?”

Dockers:

Me: “Bastard! I hope you’re around for my next beer fart.”

I guess I just don’t pack the gear.