Love – Hate Relationships.
I think it’s fair to say that anyone who maintains a blog likes to have readers. If not, one might just as well write his silly shit in a notebook and keep it under the bed. I loves da peeps who read this baloney. Having said that, I must say that some of my readers and “friends†are sadistic rat bastards.
Yo, Jimbo. That’s pretty harsh, no?â€
No, it’s not, when you consider that I have made no secret of my being scared shitless of alligators. These prehistoric monsters make my goddamned skin crawl.
You would think that people who give up a piece of their time to visit this place would be sensitive to my fears (which, by the way, are completely rational, thankyouverymuch), but nooooooooooo.
Not a week goes by without one of these toids sending me an e-mail that invariably contains a link to a horrible picture or story about goddamned alligators. This sadist, who happens to live in Africa, never misses an opportunity to scare the shit out of me with photos of either a gator or a croc gobbling up some sorry ass animal. Bloggers such as the Wiseass Jooette have even invested her own money to buy my a gift for the sole purpose of torturing me. Same goes for this guy.
Another blogger called me on the phone, real time, laughing her ass off while describing a bigass gator crossing the road in front of her car. Yeah, that’s right. She called me from fifteen hundred miles away just to break my stindeens about a large pre-historic beast crossing the road. WTF? Hell, a few days ago, another blogger posted a farookin’ revolting picture, knowing that I would see it.
Some even invade my own blog to torment me with alligator shit.
The foregoing is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg. Suffice it to say that there are legions of shithooks out there who just can’t wait to send me stuff about alligators, knowing that it will loosen my damned bowels.
The clincher may have come this week from reader Dick, who sent me a clip that I could not bear to watch until the end. ACK!!! Go ahead and watch it, but PLEASE don’t tell me if anyone of those assholes got his head bitten off.
Despite all the abuse, I still appreciate all of youse who stop by — even the rat bastards.
Ooh! Ooh! We saw a gator during a walk at our huge nature preserve here just north of Houston that also has feral hogs, bobcats and we heard a cougar, too.
And, there were peeps chomped by gators at my inlaw’s Cypress Cove, Fl. bayous while searching for golf balls and being drunk and crazy and swimming at midnight.
But, don’t let that worry you.
Comment by Froth — February 10, 2009 @ 11:57 pm
Gators are why I live way up north. Heh. Between them and big ass bugs – the southerners can keep their warm weather.
BTW – those guys were nuts. Really. Would serve each of them right if the gator won. Sheesh.
Comment by Teresa — February 11, 2009 @ 12:14 am
Whut?
I just sends you that stuff to give you a sense of perspective, kinda. I mean, if I sends a gator picture from someplace else, it means that’s one less that might be in Jersey, right?
Comment by DMerriman — February 11, 2009 @ 1:02 am
Proper exercise of the bowels is essential to good health…
MC
Comment by mostly cajun — February 11, 2009 @ 9:16 am
I’m new here, but I’m guessing it’s good thing you missed the 8 foot gator they found in a NY city basement then?
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,284636,00.html
RTC
ps – This entry and the links had me roaring, thanks for sharing. Thanks for making me spit coffee across the room too! Hmmmm, wonder what Google has for “alligator New Jersey”…
Comment by RightTurnClyde — February 11, 2009 @ 10:59 am
Yeah and I might send you a New Jersey Chain saw for your birthday!
Comment by GUYK — February 11, 2009 @ 11:51 am
Big Gator/Little Gator…
The little Gator asked the big Gator . “how come you are so big, strong & heavy & I am so little, weak & skinny?”
The big Gator say`s “look Pal how do you catch dinner?”
The little Gator says “I lay in wait by the jogging trail & when a jogger gets close ,I let out a roar & lunge for him but all I ever get is his sneakers & a pile of crap”& he always gets away.
The Big Gator says that is your problem ….don`t roar , just grab him & you can spit the sneaker s & shit out afterwards!
Comment by dudley1 — February 11, 2009 @ 1:11 pm
Real alligators never spit out the shit. Or the sneakers.
Comment by Elisson — February 11, 2009 @ 5:01 pm
….. I hate The Gators, brother……. but I have no problem with alligators……. just trust me, it is a southern thing……
Comment by Eric — February 11, 2009 @ 9:06 pm
So long as there are no alligators crawling out of Sheepshead Bay and invading where I live, I am totally cool with them. If someone held its jaw shut, I’d even feel cool about petting one. I just don’t get those assholes who put their heads inside a gator’s mouth…WTF? Why would anyone DO that?
Comment by Erica — February 11, 2009 @ 10:55 pm
Erica, at the end of the day, it’s all about the Benjamins.
Comment by Elisson — February 12, 2009 @ 6:43 pm
Spreeking for all Rat Blastards in Norf Korea…
May all allygators bite you LOOONG time!!!
Ruv,
KIM Jong IL
Dicktator, California 90210
Comment by JihadGene — February 13, 2009 @ 4:12 pm
THIS is even better!
http://www.rightwingnews.com/#post14475
Comment by JerryK — February 13, 2009 @ 6:52 pm
I have said this before and I’ll say it again:
The invite to come down to Miami and take an airboat ride with me is still open. You will see alligators in the wild. I know you don’t like them one little bit but you’ll learn a LOT about them and maybe, just maybe, you’ll end up liking them a lot, like I do now.
I don’t say it to be snarky, I know you hate them. I’m being sincere.
Comment by Serenity — February 16, 2009 @ 6:02 pm
Serenity,
I truly appreciate the offer, and the idea of riding around on an airboat (particularly yours) sounds great. However, I say I hate alligators, but that’s because they scare the shit out of me, perhaps like nothing else I can think of other than cancer or being buried alive.
Seeing as how it is not within my power to exterminate every single one of them, I’m content to keep as much distance as possible between them and me.
Again, thank you for the most gracious offer.
Jimbo
Comment by Jim — February 16, 2009 @ 8:53 pm