Supermarket Troglodytes.
I had a case of the ass to begin with. I had been stewing over the detestable Harry Reid using my money to bribe Senators Nelson and Landrieu to vote for his stinking bill. As such, it was a particularly bad day to have to drive through the slippery street slop to in order walk among the troglodytes in the supermarket.
They didn’t disappoint.
Yo, asshole. What a swell idea that you decided to park your cart in front of the cheese display and lean on it while you had a meandering conversation with one of your buddies. You were too engrossed in your discussion of some silly shit to hear my “Excuse me.†It apparently didn’t bother you when I leaned around your goddamned cart like a goddamned contortionist to actually purchase some goddamned cheese. It’s a goddamned crowded supermarket, not the local men’s club. Jerk.
A special thanks to the fat-assed lady who felt she absolutely had to stop her cart in the middle of a busy aisle so she could make what was no doubt a very important phone call. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t calling Weight Watchers. Maneuvering around her was a special treat, given that the vengeful Supermarket God always sees to it that I wind up with a grocery cart with a dysfunctional front wheel, which only becomes obvious when there are a shitload of groceries in the cart.
This one was the clincher.
I rounded the corner of one of the aisles and was positively giddy to see that it was empty, except for one brofus, extremely unattractive woman troglodyte who appeared to be carefully studying a label on a can. My elation with coming upon a virtually unobstructed aisle was short lived, as I soon learned that the woman’s apparent rapt interest in the printed word on the can was a ruse to make it appear that she had not just cut a massive, maggot-gagging fart. Obviously, there was no way she could have outrun the spread of the noxious gas, which, in scant seconds, enveloped the entire aisle, so she opted for the “pretend not to notice the deadly gas†ploy. No wonder the aisle was clear. I damned near puked.
Other than that, it was a swell day.
You should have stabbed them.
Comment by Laura — December 21, 2009 @ 9:10 pm
Well, I give up…what’s a brofus? The only thing I can figure is that it’s an acronym for “big rotund oversized fatassed über shmaltzbutt.”
Comment by Erica — December 22, 2009 @ 12:57 am
“Brofus” (adj.) is Jerseyspeak for about what you so aptly described.
Jimbo
Comment by Jim — December 22, 2009 @ 2:40 am
I thought idjits in Wisconsin were bad ;P
Comment by dave — December 22, 2009 @ 6:10 am
Um, Jim, just, er, never get in an elevator after me.
I’m just sayin’.
Comment by Mr. Bingley — December 22, 2009 @ 8:11 am
Dude, we are living in a parallel universe. Yesterday I had to do my gyms weekly shopping at Costco and it seemed every dooshbag on the planet was in this evil plot of retail real estate. The parking lots weren’t plowed right so parking became survival of the fittest and a bunch of the Costco employees were giggling among themselves calling it Death Race 2000. It looked more like a Saturday Night Demolition Derby than shopping.
I saw all of the same characters you did. The lane-hogger, the traffic jam creator and the only one I missed (thankfully) was the lane clearing farter chick. Although that was replaced by the “I am going to slam my cart into yours and then give you a scowl” guy.
Just another reminder that I Hate People.
Comment by RobbieRob — December 22, 2009 @ 8:12 am
I have devoted a full chapter of my book to that necessary hell known as grocery shopping. The only other place you will encounter darker examples of the dregs of humanity is the late night emergency room…
Comment by gregor — December 22, 2009 @ 8:26 am
Jimbo….Somebody`s mother came home from the Super Market in tears because some slick haired Retiree was upset for her Gastric episode ….do you not have any compassion for those predisposed to rectal eruptions? Noxious fume clouds know as the “green mister” are very beneficial , had you looked around the immediate area , the lack of cockroach`s would have been apparent.
With any luck , she might attend the next Obama rally in your area….hope she has a large bowl of chili before she gets there.
By the way , here we refer to “BROFUS`S” as “HOOFTIES”.
Gregor…..You are absolutely correct concerning the knuckle dragger`s who infest the late night emergency room waiting area`s.
Comment by dudley1 — December 22, 2009 @ 10:05 am
I had the one who really frosts me. This one woman was standing there in front of the containers of blueberries and other berries in the produce area. She was taking berries from one container and switching them to another one so she would have one container of the best stuff. She would pick up the berries, look them over and then put them in her basket of in the other one. This went on for strawberries, blueberries, raspberries and blackberries. Then seh was starting to do the same thing with broccoli as well. Moving the stuff around with just her fingers. I was waiting for her to do the same thing with the grapes but then I got tired of waiting for her to get out of the way. Then I hit the one who stops right beside the disply taking up half the aisle and trying to decide which can of veggies to get. Very good roadblock. Paid no attention to anyone else at all. Also wanted the cans behind the one in front. Then she put the cans back in the wrong slots and moved on a couple of steps and then changed her mind and switched cans again. Had 4 of us blocked there.
I wish the supermarkets in NYC would open late at night. I would do all my shopping like my buddy at 3 AM.
Comment by dick — December 22, 2009 @ 10:19 am
What’s nice about getting to be an old fart is ALL of my former politeness goes right out the window in situations like that! I just let loose with a “get the hell outta da way!” and they move! Yep, the old Joisey “shock and awe” works every time. Yep, yep, yep, yep. When I was younger (about 20 years ago) I had an old fart say “well, you’re gonna get old too, you know”. My reply was “yeah, well, if I get like THAT, shoot me!!” 😉
Comment by JerseyJerry — December 22, 2009 @ 2:23 pm
Ahh, welcome to my world, I hate going to the stores. Oddly enough I have found that a polite excuse me actually works or perhaps it is the slightly demented look in my eyes and the fact that my co-workers say I look “mean” when I am walking around. Whatever, as long as they get the hell out of my way, it’s all good
Comment by MIchael in CT — December 22, 2009 @ 6:53 pm
… bhwhahaaha…. now you are the “grumpy retired guy!”……
Comment by Eric — December 22, 2009 @ 9:56 pm
[…] And, at times, the supermarket troglodytes. […]
Pingback by Fausta’s Blog » Blog Archive » Not happy in the tri-state area — December 23, 2009 @ 8:49 am
Via my Intrepid Sources I found some video of Jim’s trip to the Supermarket…
Comment by Mr. Bingley — December 23, 2009 @ 12:51 pm
I have always told the wife my fart`s did not stink, she didn`t believe me then & I am sure she wouldn`t believe it now. Seriously this guy needs some serious therapy.
Comment by dudley1 — December 23, 2009 @ 1:23 pm
I have always told the wife my fart`s did not stink, she didn`t believe me then & I am sure she wouldn`t believe it now. Seriously this guy needs some serious therapy or maybe the victim had accidently sat on a box of glazed donuts in the bakery aisle.
Comment by dudley1 — December 23, 2009 @ 1:25 pm
The local chain here puts free coffee and bins of deep-discounted stuff JUST INSIDE THE ELECTRIC DOORS. Genius! Thank you!
It’s like a multi-car pileup with debris everywhere. You’re supposed to stop and render aid to the victims, I think, but I don’t. I try to get away from the bottleneck ASAP by going up on two wheels on an embankment of beh-beys parked in strollers. I got shoppin’ to do.
Comment by dogette — December 23, 2009 @ 3:27 pm
Jim, I damn near fell down while reading this! Priceless!
Also fun at Costco are the people mobbing the samples “kiosks” that are ready to overturn your cart to get past you for another free sample of lobster dip.
I’m convinced that some people go there strictly for the “free food.”
Comment by mike r. — December 25, 2009 @ 9:28 pm