In an effort to directly compete with Conservative Talk Radio, our Leader President has decided to take calls directly from listeners. PRS has obtained a transcript of the program.

Barack: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Barack Obama here, The One, the winner of the 2008 election, President of the United States and Leader of the Free World. I know that my appearing on AM radio to take your calls is indeed an historic first. I cannot take credit for this groundbreaking idea, as it was my Chief of Staff, Rahm Emmanuel, who convinced me that this would be an excellent forum in which to speak directly with my subjects – I mean the citizens — I mean residents of the United States. So, let’s get started, shall we? Our first caller is Dominique from Detroit. Good morning, Dominique. What’s on your mind?

Dominique: I got a question about this healthcare stuff.

Barack: Sure. I’ll be happy to help.

Dominique: Yesterday, I went to a doctor’s office around the corner from where I live and told the receptionist that I wanted to see the doctor. She axed me if I was a patient, and I said that I wasn’t, but I wanted to see the doctor about my sore knee.

Barack: OK, then what happened?

Dominique: Da bitch axed me if I had any kind of insurance, and I told her “no,” and she says, “If you want to see the doctor, you’ll have to either pay in cash or by credit card.” I said, “Yo, bitch, I ain’t payin’ shit. Barack said my healthcare is free. Maybe you ain’t heard.”

Barack: Well, Dominique. I do have some good news for you.

Dominique: Good, ‘cause I wanna go back to that bitch and straighten her smartass out, then see the doctor for my free healthcare.

Barack: Well, it doesn’t exactly work that way, Dominique. Under my healthcare plan, you’ll be able to buy insurance, and …

Dominique: Say what?

Barack: Under the plan, you will be able to buy health insurance.

Dominique: Yo, did you say ”buy?”

Barack: Yes, you will be able to buy affordable coverage, even if you have a pre-existing condition.

Dominique: I ain’t buyin’ shit.

Barack: Well, Dominique, under the law, you have to buy insurance.

Dominique: You must be either be deaf or outta your mind. I said, I ain’t buyin’ shit! I’m just gonna take my ass to the ‘mergency room and get free healthcare.

Barack: But, that’s not the way it works, Dominique.

Dominique: What they gonna do in the ‘mergency room? Throw me out?

Barack: I don’t think they’ll do that.

Dominique: So, like I said. I ain’t buyin’ shit, and I ain’t payin’ for shit. What you gonna do? Throw my ass in jail?

Barack: Well, the law does provide for penalties.

Dominique: You and your law can kiss my ass.

*click*

Barack: Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just been called away for a very important meeting, so, unfortunately, we’ll have to leave it there.

Barack: (off mic) Tell Emmanuel to be in my office in two minutes. His ass is mine.