Dear Newt and Mitt:
Each of you has bought into the ridiculous notion that the stuff I exhale is somehow dangerous to the survival of the polar bears, each of you conveniently ignoring the effects the farookin’ sun might just have on the changes in climate, which changes have existed and will continue to exist, for the natural life of this planet.

Please go back to your private lives while we go about selecting a candidate for 2012 who isn’t going to destroy the economy based on an underlying premise that is about as valid as alchemy.

Dear Ms. Wasserman-Schultz:
Congratulations! You have given new meaning to mendacity, rudeness and douchebaggery. I am tickled pink that you are the chairperson of the Democrat National Committee, because I’m certain that every time you open your pie hole the Democrat Party loses another couple hundred thousand votes. You go, girl!

Dear Ms. Pelosi:
A great-big PRS thank you for continuing to be the blabbering, dumb-as a-bag-of cow-pies contemptible swine you have always been. The people who live well outside the city limits of San Francisco have finally awakened to what a complete political hack and monumental jackass you are.

Please keep talking. We love it.

Dear Bill Maher:
It cracks me up every time I read that you are some sort of genius. Anyone who doesn’t get their news from the New York Times or from the TV networks knows what a jyerrrrrkoff you are. You’re nothing but a punk who needs to be slapped silly.

Dear Anthony Weiner:
Please, please, please don’t resign. Hang tough. You’ll be the perfect poster boy for the Democrat Party in 2012.

Dear Barack:
Auf Wiedersehen in 2012, Arschloch. (You may need someone who speaks Austrian to translate).