Jimbo’s Bits of Worldly Advice.
The other day my buddy Dash posted twenty-one pieces of advice. It’s difficult to quarrel with anything in Dash’s list. Reading that list got me to thinking about advice and how I figure that I’ve been on the planet long enough, and I’ve done enough goofy shit interesting things to qualify me to dispense twenty-one bits of advice of my own. I’m thinking that I must be full of shit, good advice because rattling these off was a breeze. With that, I give you:
Jimbo’s Bits of Worldly Advice
1. Avoid stores like Home Depot, for no good will come of shopping in such places.
2. If you receive a cell phone call while in a public place, seek a private place to take the call. If that is impossible, speak softly and be brief (this is not shoot-the-breeze time), lest you become the victim of a justifiable homicide.
3. Life is too short to drink cheap whiskey.
4. Always accept someone else’s offer to drive, unless the person is drunker than you.
5. Meat should be cooked before it is eaten. It has been thus ever since the discovery of fire. “Bloody†is not “cooked.â€
6. Sleeping is a monumental waste of time, and, as such, it should be kept to a minimum.
7. If you want to learn to play a musical instrument, don’t practice it, play it.
8. Profanity is a good thing, if you know when and how to use it.
9. Spend time playing music alone. You’ll be your best audience and your harshest critic.
10. Go through each day secure in the knowledge that Jane Fonda is still a piece of shit.
11. Stay away from people who think believe that O.J. did not kill those people, for they are dangerously stupid.
12. There is never an upside to smart-mouthing a cop.
13. There is almost never a good reason to be rude to a waiter or waitress.
14. Homemade spirits should be imbibed only by experienced drinkers and, even then, with a good deal of caution.
15. Don’t badger a musician on stage with requests. If the musician solicits requests, he (she) is almost always being polite; as he really knows what will work in the room. If you insist on hearing only exactly the music you want to hear, go to a saloon with a juke box.
16. It’s damned near impossible to screw up a potato or an onion.
17. If you ever have the good fortune to get the chance to shoot the breeze with Catfish, by all means do it. It’s a richly rewarding experience.
18. If someone asks for a gin and ginger ale, don’t make it for them, but rather suggest that the person seek professional help.
19. If someone not from New Jersey says, “You’re from New Joisey? What Exit? Harharhar,†be kind, smile and pretend that it’s the first time you’ve heard it.
20. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are something to be relished with reckless abandon.
21. For the love of God, don’t watch daytime television. That shit will kill you.
That’s it, for now.
Right on! What exit is it, though? Really.
Comment by Dash — May 3, 2005 @ 8:51 pm
A number of damn good things there, Godfaddah.
Thanks for sharing.
; )
Comment by Christina — May 3, 2005 @ 9:21 pm
Meat should be cooked before it is eaten.
My dear departed grandmother used to say, “Wipe its ass and walk it past the grill.”
Comment by Craig — May 3, 2005 @ 9:46 pm
Jimbo, I am still laughing at the Yuchon Jack stare. Rob posted about the stare and I am laughing again, Cat
Comment by Catfish — May 3, 2005 @ 10:31 pm
#10 – the best. I usually inform waiters to “burn it” if they have to ask twick how I want it cooked, when it comes to cooking my steaks and burgers.
Comment by tina — May 3, 2005 @ 10:55 pm
Brilliant, as always, Jim.
These are WTLB. 🙂 (Words To Live By)
xoxo
Comment by Margi — May 4, 2005 @ 2:01 am
Always yield to temptation – you may not get another chance at it. 🙂
Comment by DMerriman — May 4, 2005 @ 9:27 am
HEHEHEH #10 and #11, and, well, they’re all good. Re: the cell phones: after forced-listening for several years now, I’ve confirmed that 99.6% of ALL cell conversations are totally unnecessary. Truly.
Comment by dogette — May 4, 2005 @ 9:32 am
Ohhh noooO! Home Depot is one of my favorite places! We haven’t got any good old-fashioned hardware stores left in my town.
As for number 19, when someone asks me “what exit,” I tell them 947. Or sometimes Stage Left.
Comment by Shamrock — May 4, 2005 @ 10:25 am
A to Z Linkfest #4
A Peck of Gold explains The Zen of Ten and has the perfect t-shirt for it.
At BlogoramBlogoram
Trackback by Pajama Pundits — May 4, 2005 @ 11:45 am
22. Never get in a buffet line directly behind Al Sharpton
23. Don’t eat Jellyfish with Peanutbutterfish
24. Avoid Jerry Lewis, Emanuel Lewis, Ray Lewis,Louis Farrakan and Robert Blake
25. Pass on any Ben Afflick movie.
26. Anytime you are driving a car and see musicians performing outside, roll down the window and scream “Inna Godda Da Vida!”.
27. Don’t expect Jim McGreevey to die in a rugby accident.
28. Take up a collection to buy the Beatles song catalogue back from Michael Jackson.
29. If you see her on the street, tuck your shirt in and take a shot at picking up Paula Abdul.Even if you have half a load on.
30. Mister Rodgers taught me more than college did.
Comment by cousin gary — May 4, 2005 @ 1:16 pm
Oh my God. Post + Comments = Too Damn Funny!
Comment by TJ — May 4, 2005 @ 1:25 pm
Because Bloggers Shall not Exist on Rants Alone
There's been a good amount of bile spewing in the 'sphere lately. Don't get me wrong: I like a good rant. What I don't like is rampant name calling and unnecessarily rude behavior. That kind of thing exists in all large groups an…
Trackback by ResurrectionSong — May 4, 2005 @ 3:48 pm
Great, great, great! We all need this kind of advice…
Comment by ali — May 4, 2005 @ 7:14 pm
Y’all are all forgetting the best advice my mother ever gave me:
“Don’t put that in your mouth, you don’t know where it’s been.”
That’ll keep you out of all kinds of trouble.
Comment by rita — May 4, 2005 @ 8:17 pm
advice
I stole this idea from here and here. I’ve lived long enough to accumulate a bit of worldly wisdom, and…
Trackback by Gut Rumbles — May 4, 2005 @ 9:27 pm
Guess you learned a thing or two in your life… btw did you actually finish writing #19? It sounds like it should be finished up with “and then pull out your gun and start shooting” – or something to that effect. *grin*
Comment by Teresa — May 5, 2005 @ 12:28 am