Jimbo Fix-It’s Mailbag.
Many of the folks around here know of my superior talent for do-it-yourself home repairs and fixing small appliances and electronic devices. In fact, I often receive e-mail asking for my advice in such matters. I thought that I would share them with you, as the information provided will definitely come in handy the next time you are confronted with a stuck door or a non-functioning electronic device. In fact, you may want to cut this out and use one of those refrigerator magnet things to stick it on the refrigerator.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
It is ninety degrees here, with 98% humidity, and our central air conditioner is not working. What can I do?

Sweltering Hot in Trenton

Dear S.H.I.T., (Those better be your initials. I will not be made a fool of.)
It is important to note that air conditioners have essentially two things going on. There is the compressor, and then there is the fan. I cannot tell from your letter, whether the compressor or the fan is the problem. However, you can easily determine this yourself. Turn the unit on, and if the fan is spinning, you can rule the fan out as being the source of the problem. If the fan is not spinning, that may be part of your problem. You also have to determine whether the compressor is running. You’ll know the compressor is running if you hear a continuous HMMMMMMM, which is to be distinguished by the continuous hmmmmm, which would be the fan.

OK, so let’s say that the problem appears to be with your compressor. The way you repair this is to get the hammer from your toolbox, and whack the compressor a really good shot. That ought to do it. Similarly, if you find that the problem lies with the fan, you can use the same tool to give the fan a good shot. I suggest that you aim for the fan motor and not the fan blades, as hitting the blades may work, but the unit might be a little noisy.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
I just bought a really nice toolbox, and I would like your advice on which tools I should buy to be ready for most repair needs.

Throckmorton O’Toole

Dear Mr. O’Toole,
I will assume that your question about tools is the real deal and that your name really is O’Toole. Jimbo Fix-It takes this shit seriously, and I will not have you playing me for a chump.

With the foregoing assumption in mind, I will answer your question. What you will need in your toolbox to tackle all repairs is a hammer, and a couple rolls of duct tape. If you are a sophisticated do-it-yourselfer, you might consider adding a sturdy butter knife as well. Good luck with that new toolbox!

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
I’m really in a pickle here. I rented a DVD from the local store, and I have to return it in four hours, and I still have not watched the movie. My problem is that the DVD tray is stuck in the open position. I am afraid to push on it too hard to get it to inside the machine so I can watch the movie. Any tips?

Frantic in Fanwood

Dear F.I.F.
This is absolutely not a problem. Whenever you are dealing with a piece of electronic equipment, such as a DVD player or a VCR, and something is stuck, you should always FORCE it. Works every time. So, give that tray one good hard push, and enjoy the movie.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
The digital clock on my VCR keeps blinking, and I don’t know how to make it stop. It prevents me from enjoying my soaps during the day. I really need your help.

One Life to Live

Dear O.L.T.L.,
Simple one. Take a roll of duct tape from your toolbox, cut a small piece, and stick it over the blinking light. See? I told you it was simple.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
What kinds of screwdrivers do I need, and how many of them should I have in my toolbox?

Puzzled in Parsippany

Dear P.I.P.,
Read my response to Mr. O’Toole. (I still think I’m being jerked around by that guy.) You absolutely do NOT need a screwdriver of any type. First of all, I suggest avoiding screws unless there is absolutely no alternative. In those rare cases, all repairs can be made with a sturdy butter knife. Use the money you save on screwdrivers to buy yourself a backup hammer.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
My uncle Verne gave me a really neat saw for my birthday. The problem is that I don’t know whether it is a ripsaw or a crosscut saw. Can you help?

Ripped in Rahway

Dear R.I.R.,
The problem is that your uncle Verne is obviously an inconsiderate asshole, who doesn’t know shit from shinola about home repairs. Listen to me. Wood is not our friend. All repairs on wooden things can be accomplished with your hammer. In real emergencies, you may also need some duct tape. Throw the damned saw away, and tell Uncle Dumbshit Verne to give you money for your next birthday. You can use the money to buy a backup hammer.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
The light switch in my dining room is making strange noises, and it gets real hot. Sometimes smoke comes out of it. At least I think it’s smoke. It smells a lot like burning plastic. I think I already know how to fix it, but I am a little worried about using my stainless steel hammer. I would like to avoid getting a shock.

Timid in Toms River

Dear T.I.T. (You better not be jerking me around with these initials!)
You are most perceptive, and you ask an excellent question. We must always be careful when working with live wires. Using your stainless steel hammer might pose a problem. A seasoned home-repair person sometimes has to improvise. I suggest that you go to your closet and find a shoe with a good, thick rubber sole (rubber does not conduct electricity, you know). Hold it firmly in your dominant hand (the lack of a handle may make this a bit difficult), and give the switch a good whack. Presto! No more noise or smoke.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
My kitchen door squeaks when we open or close it. It is annoying the cat, and she has taken to pissing on the kitchen floor. We need your help bad.

Squeaky and Smelly in Springfield

Dear S.A.S.I.S.,
This is a tricky one. However, if you follow my directions, everything should work out fine. You will need your hammer from the toolbox. First, you must clear the area near the door, because you will need the room to work. Once that is done, open the door, and hold it open using your non-dominant hand. Take the hammer in your dominant hand and give the side of the door a couple good, hard whacks. I suggest two whacks near the top of the door, two near the bottom, and three or four really good ones just above where the doorknob thing comes out.

Wait. You are not finished yet. Next, you have to close the door and give each of the hinges a couple atomic whacks. That will solve your problem, unless, of course, you want to also whack the pissing cat.

Dear Jimbo Fix-It,
I have discovered a leak in the U-shaped pipe under my bathroom sink, which is inside the vanity. I was reading somewhere that that piece of pipe is called the “trap.” The water comes out of there pretty good, and I am frankly a bit nervous about using my hammer on it. Suggestions?

Leaking in Livingston

Dear L.I.L.,
First off, for future reference, if you are going to be reading smart-ass books about traps, don’t waste my valuable time. OK?

The answer to your question is staring you in the face. Why do you think we have so many tools in our toolbox? Duct tape. Duct tape. Duct tape. Wrap that leaky pipe, or “trap” (la-dee-dah) with some quality duct tape, and you’ll be good to go!

That’s all from today’s mailbag. Be sure to send all your home and appliance repair questions to Jimbo Fix-It. No job too big or small. If I can’t fix it, you need the Army Corps of Engineers.