Encouraged by New York City’s proposed regulations that would prohibit restaurants from cooking with oils that contain trans fats, Gavin Newsom, the Mayor of San Francisco announced today that he will propose a regulation that would prohibit the sale of meat, poultry and fish in all the city’s restaurants.

When asked by reporters why poultry and fish would be included in the ban, as such foods are often thought to be less deleterious than red meat, Newsom responded, “None of that stuff is good for you. You can get all the protein you need from beans.” He continued, “If it has a face, you can’t eat it here in San Francisco (causing several female reporters to noticeably blush).

Starshine Sequoia, the proprietress of the Hummus Palace, was positively giddy upon hearing the news. “That is so groovy! My astrologer said this year would be far out, and she was right!” In order to kick-start what Ms. Sequoia believes will be a large increase in sales, she announced that every Hummus Palace customer wearing a bandanna “or a really awesome crystal” will receive a ten percent discount.

Jon Corzine, New Jersey’s Governor, was asked if any New Jersey municipalities are considering similar regulations. He stated that he has not heard of any such efforts, but that “We will be instituting a state-wide surcharge of fifty percent on all meat dishes served in restaurants. We believe that New Jersey citizens who can afford to order meat in a restaurant are clearly among the state’s wealthy and, therefore can afford the additional tax.”