A PSA of Sorts.
I had a couple things I wanted to write about, neither of which would have won a Pulitzer Prize, but they wouldn’t have stunk, at least I think so. But, the truth is that I have been stoically dealing with an invasion of super microbial invaders into my digestive tract. It is nowhere as nasty or as colorful as V-Man’s encounter with the same or similar organisms. Still, it has been annoying enough. I thought I would share:
Colon: Yo, Jimbo. This is your colon speaking. I think you should listen up.
Me: Colon? Jesus, I have a talking colon?
Colon: Yeah, Asshole. I don’t talk often, but when I do, you’ll damned well know it, and you damned well better pay attention.
Me: OK, I have noticed. Now you have my attention. What’s up?
Colon: Yo, remember the other night when I was doing the Pony in your gut (Boogedy, boogedy, boogedy shoop), which sent your sorry ass to bed at 8:30 at night? EIGHT GODDAMNED THIRTY!
Me: Oh, do I ever. I slept for 11 goddamned hours, except for the bathroom breaks. It was pretty awful, turning over and over trying to deal with your antics.
Colon: I’m glad you remember, because I think you’re being a little cocky right about now.
Me: Waddya mean? I’m feeling pretty good now. Almost feisty.
Colon: Don’t screw around with me. Remember those “twinges†I sent your way today?
Me: Yeah, I do, but I figured it was your way of saying good-bye.
Colon: Good-bye my ass. It was a reminder that I am still around and still capable of kicking ass and taking names.
Me: OK, so what’s the deal here?
Colon Just remember who is da boss around here, and maybe you should consider stepping away from the Gottdamned computer until I say it’s OK. Any questions?
Me: Is there anything I can do to convince you to give me a break? You need a will? An Advanced Health Directive? A contract? What?
Colon: Don’t give me any of that lawyer shit. Colons don’t need lawyers. Just do what I say.
Sorry, folks. Looks like I’ll be stepping away from the computer this evening.
So that’s what that smell coming from Jersey is. I was wondering is all.
Comment by Erica — August 22, 2007 @ 8:29 pm
No, I believe that smell would be the assholes in Coney Island deluding themselves into believing that they are really at the beach.
Jimbo
Comment by Jim — August 22, 2007 @ 9:07 pm
Ohhhhh, ayyyy…is that your best Badda-Bing? I’m cryin’, here. Expect a Coney Island Whitefish in the mail as payback for your wannabe fresh mouf.
[Seriously, feel better, Toidyboy]
Comment by Erica — August 22, 2007 @ 9:12 pm
Take thee some pepto and hit the sack… we need you well and up to blogging speed. *grin*
Comment by Teresa — August 22, 2007 @ 9:16 pm
Got to obey the colon.
Take care of yourself 🙂
Comment by Hammer — August 22, 2007 @ 9:30 pm
Don’t fight it, Jim. Take care.
Comment by Jean — August 22, 2007 @ 9:46 pm
Is this some new form of computer virus? First V~man, now you?! Oy. I think I need to go wash my hands!
Comment by DogsDontPurr — August 22, 2007 @ 11:00 pm
Jimbo,
Just remember, there’s always an asshole in charge.
Comment by Jerry — August 22, 2007 @ 11:33 pm
LOL Jerry, you took my joke.
Comment by Nancy — August 22, 2007 @ 11:47 pm
Get well. 🙂
Comment by RT — August 23, 2007 @ 12:17 am
… yowza, get well soon…. and yeah, what Jerry said….. there is a great truth there….
Comment by Eric — August 23, 2007 @ 7:51 am
There is so much here…talking asses…lawyers, the joke is so easy I will leave it to others.
Hope you get to feeling better.
Comment by hoosierboy — August 23, 2007 @ 8:17 am
Heh heh…he said “cocky.”
Comment by Elisson — August 23, 2007 @ 8:57 am
Feel better soon, Jimbo!
Comment by zonker — August 23, 2007 @ 7:32 pm
Jim, you listen to that colon of yours. you pay it respect whan it needs it !!! You know what I;m talking about !!!! See you this afternnon for drinks – food & swimming !!! Pool water right now 83 and heater is on MAX !!!!!!
P.S. don’t forget the stuff for the Deck Mistress’s new drink – The Bellini Martini !!!!!
Comment by The Body guard — August 25, 2007 @ 5:53 am