Hillary Writes to Santa.
Dear Santa,
I know I should have written sooner, but I’ve been really busy trying to save the free world. I have been a good girl; really I have, so I hope you can bring me the things on my list. Being a compassionate, charitable and caring person, I have also included some gifts I would like you bring to other people. After all, it’s not all about me.
Here’s my list.
Information I can use to prove that that Barack asshole has some icky disease that makes his wizzle drip.
Some dirt on Oprah would really be swell too.
A decent voice coach.
A pill that promotes erectile dysfunction, so I can sneak it into Bill’s fried cheese sandwiches.
An ass lift (No, I don’t mean a balloon ride for Bill)
Some kickass weed (For medicinal purposes, of course)
Wonder Woman panties
A mirror that tells me I’m the fairest of them all.
A boob job (No, I don’t mean a gig for Bill. It kills me that Nancy has better tits than I do.)
Gifts for others
Tooth decay and baldness for that smarmy prick, John Edwards.
Explosive diarrhea for that lardass Tim Russert the next time he’s live on TV.
Chronic laryngitis for those jackboot-wearing, right-wing, fascist, racist radio talk show bastards, who constantly say I have no compassion. Pricks, they should eternally burn in hell. (Sorry, Santa. I got carried away there.)
A clue for Barbra Streisand (I know she’s trying to help, but, my God, she’s killing me with stupid).
For Bill, an exploding cigar.
Like I said, Santa, I’ve been a really, really good girl, and I really, really hope you can bring everything I’ve asked for. I left you some yummy chocolate chip cookies and a nice glass of milk.
Your pal,
Hilly
P.S. But, remember one thing. If you screw this up, your fat ass is mine once I become the President. Got it?
Wouldn’t the exploding cigar be more for Monica? ;P
Funny! My favorite is the ass-lift line. HA!
Comment by RT — December 13, 2007 @ 8:45 pm
I always wish for uninvited explosive public diarrhea [however-TF you spell it] for peeps are insufferable and really bad. It’s the ultimate payback!
You aren’t wishing them harm…just MORTAL FREAKIN’ EMBARRASSMENT, which they won’t be able to live down for as long as they live.
So far it hasn’t happened to anyone I know, or have wished it upon, but it would be great if it happens to Hilly. Her popularity ratings would plummet, because people would be like, “No effing way I could vote for a president who shits in her pants.”
Oh, such wondrous schadenfreude that would be. And good for America!
Comment by Erica — December 13, 2007 @ 9:09 pm
I guess this might be the only time I agree with hillary.
Comment by hammer — December 13, 2007 @ 9:59 pm
Like you said Jim ….The gift that just keeps coming. You really should consider publishing a collection of the Hillary & Nancy stories….with an intro by Hillary`s dog.
Comment by dudley1 — December 13, 2007 @ 10:40 pm
To be shared with all my kick ass conservative buds…
Comment by Brian "Proud to be a Veteran" — December 14, 2007 @ 2:37 am
…. you should be friggin’ syndicated, my man…..
Comment by Eric — December 14, 2007 @ 8:24 am
Syndicated?
Maybe medicated.
Jimbo
Comment by Jim — December 14, 2007 @ 8:29 am
Meanwhile somewhere north of the DMZ, in the Land of the Morning Missile Launch (D.P.R.K.)we find
Great Reader KIM Jong IL, on the Infloormation Hiway (created by Al Goe)….
KIM- hmm, huh, huh-huh, ha, ha-ha, HA-HA-HA,
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
OH GLAWD-DAMMIT, DAT HURTS, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
GENERAL WANG- Great Reader, whats-a-matta for you?! My “Glawd Sir, you looks like burn victim! Whaz happen? Chinese cumputer blow up?
KIM- I’m. Fweel. rike. blurn. wicktum. I’m try catch breff now. Butt rook at latest frum JIMBLOW…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
WANG- Let’s see…HILLREE WRITES TO SANNA CRAWS…
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!
That is “solid gold”!!! But why for you looking same-same, some kinda burn victim pulled frum a 1971 Ford Pinto…?
KIM- Well..you wood rook rike this too if you had a mouth full of Kitchen Mommsan’s SuperHot KimChee in mouse (mouth) when reading JimBlow’s latest
“Master Pleece”. Now get mt cleaned up an bring me my med’s!
WANG- Cummin right up Great Reader!…You want your Scotch on the rocks wiff your Prozac, Great One?
KIM- Oh hell yeah!
Comment by JihadGene — December 14, 2007 @ 11:10 am
Whoa, mama. I definitely need some of whatever JihadGene is having. Homeboy is positively smokin’!
Comment by Erica — December 14, 2007 @ 11:25 am
I’m just rejoicing, in this holiday season, that the Helen Thomas pic has finally moved down the page.
Comment by dogette — December 14, 2007 @ 7:35 pm
BUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!
Comment by Maeve — December 15, 2007 @ 2:02 am
“…the Helen Thomas pic has finally moved down the page.”
To that we say, “Boruch Hashem.”
Comment by Erica — December 15, 2007 @ 2:07 pm
I read this to my husband, who is from Morristown, frickin’ HATES Nancy and Hillary with a purple passion, and he said, “You know, I’d really like your buddy Jimbo. He’s a man after my heart.” Heh.
Comment by Bou — December 15, 2007 @ 11:08 pm
“A clue for Barbra Streisand (I know she’s trying to help, but, my God, she’s killing me with stupid).”
Oh. My. God. Hysterical!
I’m with RT, the ‘ass lift’ line is just classic.
Comment by Sugar Britches — December 17, 2007 @ 11:20 am