Yes, this post is coming to you from a borrowed computer (with the nipply and slidey thing, both of which drive me to distraction).

My friend Mike, the Computer Maven — bless his heart, spent the week while I was away doing absolutely all the necessary H-P troubleshooting and concluded that the problem is one of hardware, not software. Most likely, he figured, the problem is a smoked video card or two. The next step was to contact H-P.

Mike hopped online (as me) and initiated a chat with an H-P Support Person. Thank Christ I didn’t do it, because Mike described the problem with the precision beyond my ability. Then, the disembodied H-P Guy on the other end of the chat, suggested, “First, reset your computer to its factory settings.”

Full stop.

If that had really been me (and not Mike)on the other end of the chat, I would have said, “Excellent, and just how would I go about doing that?” This, of course, would have had the disembodiedH-P guy slamming his head against his keyboard, knowing that the chat could go on for days.

Fortunately, Mike responded that he already tried that, and then he went on to list the gazillion other things he tried and shared his conclusion with the disembodied H-P Guy.

After a very long pause, the disembodied H-P Guy pointed out that my warranty ran out about a month and a half ago.

“OK, thanks for that, but now what?”

Another long pause…….

The disembodied H-P Guy returned to the keyboard to advise me [Mike] that the problem appears to be with the video widget-gimcrack ginkus, and it can all be made well for $300.00 (The price includes shipping – Shipping included? Be still my farookin’heart!).

Sooooooper, I thought. Damned near brand new computer, and I’m looking at a Three-Benjamin repair bill.

The disembodied H-P Guy explained that I would be receiving a box to be used to return the computer to H-P and that they will fix it and return it to me in tip-top shape. He said that he would write up a “repair order,” and send it to someone who would call me in approximately 5 minutes for my credit card information.

The call came as promised, and based on the accent of the person on the line, I could only conclude that the disembodied H-P Guy sent the repair order to Bombay. After a rather comical and painful exchange, punctuated on my part by lots of “Excuse me’s?” I managed to give him my credit card number.

I was placed on hold while he verified my credit card and did God knows what else. When he finally returned to the phone, I was treated to some rapid fire Hindi-English, from which I gathered that he was trying to sell me an extended warranty.

I figured, “Ain’t this just a swift kick in the stindeens? I just arranged to pay three hundred bucks for a repair, and this guy is as much as telling me the damned thing is likely to break again some time within the next 365 days.” I stopped him in the middle of the “accident warranty” pitch and told him I just wanted this computer fixed – nothing more. Only at that point was I provided with the coveted “Order Number,” which he had to repeat several times for me to understand it.

So, now I shall wait for the H-P box to arrive at the House by the Parkway in order for me to proceed to the next chapter in this frustrating saga.

It’s pretty clear that my next computer won’t be an H-P.

Next computer? Yeef! Did I say that? The thought of buying another computer gives me a serious case of the hot squirts.