Western Heroes Renamed.
Damned if I know how stuff finds its way to my cruller while doing a morning groundpound, but it does, and the stuff often doesn’t make much sense. Today it was below freezing, but I was wearing a nice woolen cap, so I can’t attribute this foolishness to a lack of cranial blood flow. Being a blogger, I’ve learned not to fight off ideas, no matter how goofy they may be. So, with that, I will share with you today’s brain fart:
I got to thinking about Western Heroes (called “cowboys,†when I was a youngin’). That must have fired off the nonsense neuron, because I got to thinking about renaming the gunslingers of yore. Here they are:
The Crisco Kid: Riding the plains in search of the ultimate flaky pie crust.
Wild Bill Hiccup: The gunfighter who had to hang up his shootin’ irons because of intractable spasms of the diaphragm.
Stoned Ranger: Hiyoooooooh … uh …. Hiyoooooooh …. uh … dudeâ€
Bong-o: The Stoned Ranger’s faithful Indian native American companion. â€Hey kimosabe, you ate all the beef jerky? Got any cookies left?â€
Chorro: The masked, caped swordsman in black who carved a “C†with his blade and could not suppress the urge to occasionally shake his ass and say, “Cuchi-Cuchi!”
Green Autry: The enviro-cowboy. It was said that ol’ Green would never let his horse shit anywhere near a stream.
Flabby Hayes: It is not widely known, but the bearded, ubiquitous sidekick curmudgeon, after growing too fat to ride a horse without injuring the animal, was responsible for the design of an equine sidecar.
Tom Dicks: A famous cowboy, or a subject and a verb seeking a predicate?
Crawlalong Cassidy: After several failed attempts at rehab, and having pawned his six-shooters, Crawlalong nevertheless ended up in the Bowery wearing a battered black hat looking for bad guys.
Goy Rogers: The name given to Roy by his buddy Shlomo Finklestein, the Jewish proprietor of the General Store near the Double R Bar Ranch.
Ya think maybe I need a warmer hat?
Great re-names.
Comment by LeeAnn — November 23, 2008 @ 9:00 pm
A looser hat, perhaps…and maybe the $150-per-fluid-oz. hair pomade you use is seeping into your head’s pores.
Comment by Erica — November 23, 2008 @ 9:22 pm
perhaps, maybe… maybe just a hat that doesn’t cut off quite so much blood circulation…
Comment by Mike R. — November 23, 2008 @ 9:53 pm
Howe about Red Roder…the Little Beaver? Some gags for that straight line…
Comment by GUYK — November 23, 2008 @ 10:00 pm
You forgot Crapalong Hoppity, who used to be able to pinch off a strunz’ while jumping on one foot. (He shot the other foot off in a tragic Gunfire-Related Mishap while – you guessed it – pinching off a strunz’.)
Comment by Elisson — November 23, 2008 @ 10:27 pm
I think your hat is probably fine. What I’d suggest is walking a little more briskly, so that the blood actually gets all the way up into your brain.
Comment by DMerriman — November 23, 2008 @ 11:06 pm
Ya think maybe I need a warmer hat?
Only if your head is cold. LOL. All I can think of after reading those is that Mel Brooks must have sought you out for an in depth consultation to come up with Hedley Lamarr.
Comment by Teresa — November 24, 2008 @ 1:22 am
Can you imagine what would result if Elisson and I walked together in the mornings?
Oy!
Jimbo
Comment by Jim — November 24, 2008 @ 3:33 am
Jimbo
Let`s not forget “Bullet Bob Steal” whose wife said Enough with the bullet`s already, Howza bout getting a gun or two?
Or “Wild Bill Inchcock” who got laughed out of every whorehouse he ever went to.
”
Or “Chlamedia Jane”….No respectable cowpoke would touch her but the cow`s were nervous.
Just trying to help!
Comment by dudley1 — November 24, 2008 @ 11:02 am
Heheheheheeeee! Great! 🙂
Comment by Richmond — November 24, 2008 @ 5:09 pm
You need to loosen your lug nuts.
Comment by Cappy — November 24, 2008 @ 10:28 pm
…. those are great….. I think I need to start taking a walk in the morning!….
Comment by Eric — November 25, 2008 @ 9:07 am
I laughed out loud at dudley1’s “Chlamydia Jane.”
Jimbo
Comment by Jim — November 25, 2008 @ 9:32 am
Jimbo…….
I forgot one, “Smelly Burnette” who was almost selected as the Representative for Bush`s Chili before they hired the dog.
Comment by dudley1 — November 25, 2008 @ 12:51 pm
Don’t think it’s temp related, Jim. Breath deeper man, it’s lack of oxygen.
Really though, those are all great.
Comment by Dan O — November 25, 2008 @ 1:09 pm