I’m not sure which is worse.

This weekend, I went to Costco to pick up some things for the bar at the American Legion. Here are some impressions:

1. English? Does anyone speak it any more?

2. Family gatherings? What is with the people who make a trip to Costco an outing for the extended family? In some cases a half dozen people (with one cart) meander down the aisle, effectively blocking the way for anyone else. They often stop, of course in the center of the aisle, to hold some sort of family meeting. It is difficult to pass, as I don’t know how to say, “excuse me” in Hottentot or whatever language all the aunties and uncles were speaking. I assume that only one family member pays for a membership card, which accounts for these people shopping in packs.

3. Free-Range Children. Children are often left unattended to run up and down the aisles to do whatever tickles their fancy. Feel like bouncing a ball up and down the aisles? No problem. Help yourself to a new basketball from its box and have at it. These feral children are a special treat at the electronic keyboard display.

4. Free Food! Some people spend the morning going from free-sample station to free-sample station bulking up on whatever Costco is trying to get rid of. Don’t worry about what to do with that little paper rice pudding cup and plastic spoon if you’ve finished the pudding on the way to the next free sample station. Just leave your trash on one of the shelves. No one will notice.

6. Garment Plundering. Sure lady, pick up a sweatshirt, unfold it, hold it up to your blimp-like body with boobs like ‘55 Buick bumperettes, and when it doesn’t appear to fit (surprise, surprise), don’t bother re-folding it. Just toss it on a pile and unfold another. Repeat this process until you satisfy yourself that Costco does not stock circus tent sized sweatshirts.

7. Book Plundering. This lady must have studied under the sweatshirt lady. Pick up a book from one of the stacks, take a quick look, and if you don’t like it (maybe it didn’t contain enough pictures), don’t replace it. Just toss it.

8. Parking Lot Blockades. During your family outing to Costco (see above), be sure to spread out in the parking lot when strolling to and from the store at a snail’s pace, thereby ensuring that cars cannot pass your pack, herd, pride, pod, or whatever the hell you call it. It’s a great way to enjoy the outdoors. We’ll all just wait until you get to your destination.

Assholes.

I had a swell time.