I Am A Shitty Golfer.
I know quite a few people who claim to be shitty golfers, but generally they are just golfers who are full of shit. They almost always are pretty farookin’ good golfers, who just claim to be shitty golfers. Well, that’s not me. I really am a shitty golfer.
Having said that, perhaps I am not a shitty golfer in some cosmic sense, but rather it may be more accurate to say that, because I play golf about once every eighteen months, I am doomed to be a perpetual beginner.
Here’s the thing about golf. Growing up where I did, I spent thousands and thousands of hours hitting balls of all types, with bats of various kinds. We played baseball morning till night in the summers and stickball damned near year-round. I could hit fast pitches, curves, or sinkers – never a problem. Toss a ball in my direction, and I would hit it virtually 100% of the time. Boiled down to its essentials, it means that I, along with every kid I grew up with, could effortlessly hit a moving object with a cylindrical-type stick and do so damned near every time.
Therefore, golf should be a no brainer. After all, the ball JUST SITS THERE. No one throws a golf ball at you to hit. No. The damned thing just sits there. Do you have to hit it with a round stick?? No. You get to hit it with a flat-faced object that is damned near three times the size of the ball. It would be as if someone tossed a baseball at you and you could hit it with a snow shovel. Snap City, right?
WRONG!
Here’s how it goes, when I “play†golf.
Jimbo: OK, Ball. You’re just sitting there and you’re not moving at all. Even better, you’re sitting up there on a tee, just waiting to get slugged. I figure you’re screwed.
Ball: Yeah? You think so? Take your best shot, Dipshit.
Jimbo: Don’t call me a dipshit, you pockmarked turd. I am going to smack the shit out of you.
Ball: Sure you are, Jerkface. Run your mouth. Let’s see what you got. Let’s see your stance.
Jimbo: You mean that you want me to “address the ball?â€
Ball: Yeah. Let’s see your stuff.
Jimbo: Helooooooooo, Ball.
Ball: JESUS CHRIST! I don’t believe it. Every jerk who has seen that “Honeymooners†episode does the same joke. Gimme a break.
Jimbo: I was just trying to lighten the moment here, Ball. And, now, you’re really going to get it.
Ball: Yeah, sure, Asswipe. We’re on the first tee, and you’ve got a dozen people watching you, and they’re all just waiting for you to make an ass of yourself. No pressure here. Ha ha ha ha ha. Let’s go, Dork Puss.
Jimbo: OK. That’s it. … My feet are right. … I am the right distance from the ball. … I’ve lined up the shot. … Nice easy back swing. … Keep my eye on the little Bastard (even though it is not moving). … Here we go. … Nice and easy. … Make sure that you see the club actually hit the ball. … Not too hard. … Let the club do the work …. SWING
Ball: (Ten feet from the tee) You lifted your head, didn’t you, Putz Boy?
Jimbo: I hope you’re the first of the day to go into the drink.
Farookin’ golf. It’s a good thing I have a sense of humor.
Come on down to Orlando – I promise I will make you look like Arnold Palmer. Honest. 10′ from the tee? Hell, I’d be doin’ the happy dance to get it that far!
And I’m in sales! 60% of the really big deals go down on the golf course. And where am I? Sittin’ at the bar waiting for everyone else to finish! I swear, someday I’ll figure this game out. Meanwhile, honest – if you want a partner that’ll make you look brillant, I’m down here!
Comment by Tammi — July 12, 2004 @ 8:11 pm
Golf – “flog” spelled backwards. Invented by a bunch of drunk guys wearing skirts. Called ‘golf’ because ‘oh, shit’ was already taken.
I was a caddy. I promised myself I’d *never* take the game up, after seeing what it did to other folks 🙂
Comment by Dorsai65 — July 12, 2004 @ 9:00 pm
Golf is like crack, but more expensive. You head out feeling like it’s a beautiful day. Just as with drugs, though, you tell yourself “Wow. What a beautiful day. I think I’m going to make it even better by taking drugs… I mean go golfing.”
$25 later, you’re standing by the first tee and you take your first swing. The agony of embarrassment as you top the ball is just like dragging super-hot smoke, wthout a filter, from a crappy little metal pipe into your virgin lungs. You smack the ball some more, still feeling like crap until about the 4th hole you actually hit one on the sweet spot and it sails in a perfect arc to the green. The rush wipes out all the bad memories from the prior holes, and you feel on top of the world.
Then you crash from the high as you attempt to finish the remaining 12 holes. The lucky ones retain sfficient rationality to flee the game, toss their clubs in the nearest garage sale, and return to safe, fun sports like hunting lions with slingshots. The lost, however, become addicted and return again, and again, plopping down that $25 over and over to re-experience that one perfect shot.
After a while, that one shot, and the cheap local $25 course isn’t enough – they need more. They drop $500 on a new driver, $150 on a new putter and some other paraphenalia. They travel to exotic locations and green fees start topping $100. Before they know it, their lives are a wreck, they have mortgaged their children, and they’re blowing thousands a year just to hit a stupid ball.
Hi, my name is Dan. I’m a recovering golfer. As of today, I’ve been clean for 2 years, 1 month and 8 days.
Comment by Dan — July 13, 2004 @ 10:06 am
I only play golf the way that the Good Lord intended — with plenty of beer and a cart.
I have plenty of tales to tell about golfing in a league one summer, but my therapist says that those are best left alone.
I will say this, though. As a whole, I find bowlers far more personable and congenial than golfers.
Comment by Craig — July 13, 2004 @ 8:51 pm
Reminds me of the Robin Williams HBO special a few years ago. He goes on about the torture of trying to hit the damned thing, ending up all over, 37 tries before you get it in the hole, and then YOU DO IT AGAIN 17 MORE TIMES!!!! And you PAY for this!
/tried it once and that was enough/
Comment by Lynne — July 13, 2004 @ 9:02 pm