Contrary to the obnoxious and frankly libelous “Account Suspended” screen put up by the hosting service, which would lead a reasonable person to believe that the hosting service’s ball wasn’t paid, the account was “suspended” without notice because a video I posted went viral. It didn’t go viral overnight. They had ample opportunity to provide notice of an impending problem.

We’re dealing with it. Details at eleven.

Dear Diary,

O.M.F.G.!!!!!!! What a time it has been!!!!! No wonder I have neglected my diary. Here are the high points.

Prior to Election Day, I was really busy being the SPEAKER in the House and attending campaign events. I am a very important person who does very important and very non-partisan work, like attending meetings with Barney Frank. He’s soooooo smart, and he’s an absolute hoot! I get a special kick out of him, because … well … you know. When I see him I always say, “Barney, are you sure you don’t want to touch my tits? Everyone else does.”

He always giggles and says, “Oh Nancy, you’re such a naughty vixen. If they were only manboobs!” He’s a real pisser, I tell ya. Once, I even tricked him into saying “Sufferin’ Succotash!” LMAO!!!!

Then came election day. Holy shit. Except for a half-dozen glasses of Cristal in the morning (mixed with a capful of orange juice makes it a health drink), I didn’t drink until the polls closed. OK, I’m lying. I drank like a fish all damned day, and when I wasn’t drinking I was burning up some primo shit.

You know how they say people remember exactly what they were doing when something BIG happened? You know? Like the Kennedy assassination, or the unveiling of a new line of Gucci bags? Well, I can tell you exactly what I was doing when CNN called the election for Obama. I was wearing my French Maid’s outfit. I was shitfaced and stoned with my hand down the pants of a Hungarian Hunk named Miklos, whom I rented for the day. OMFG!!!! While Wolf Blitzer was still talking, Miklos ripped off my outfit and went to town. Hollllllly shit! He sure knows his way around my goulash. It was AWESOME!!!

Poor Hilly. I called her to see if she wanted to come over for some refreshments and to see Miklos play naked Gypsy violin music, especially the songs where he uses his “special bow!!” OMFG!!!! I could barely understand her on the phone. She was breathless, crying and yelling and screaming all sorts of obscenities at Bill. I’m pretty sure she was throwing stuff too. Oh, well. Sucks to be her.

Unfortunately, after the election, I still had to some very important SPEAKER stuff to do, like, working with Barney and Chris to straighten out the financial mess that the maroon from Texas and his failed policies got us into. That Chris is a really smart guy, and he told me that if I’d flash him, he’d get me a sweet re-financing deal. Boobs away!!!!! LOL!!!!! What a hoot.

Inauguration Day was un-freakin’believable. It was totally awesome being on the podium with other seriously important people, even though it was cold as hell. I didn’t much appreciate Harry Reid rubbing his thing against my ass and whispering “I know how to keep you warm, Nancy.” During the President’s speech, no less! Well, I guess I can’t blame him.

The parties!!!! There were so many, but my favorite was the one thrown by MSNBC. I never saw so much excellent blow in one place at one time. Totally AWESOME. Keith Olbermann was in the kitchen, drunk as shit, drinking German beer from one of those stein things. Actually, he was dribbling more than he was drinking, because he was doing nonstop “special commentaries.” He is really smart. When he noticed me in the room, he stopped talking and walked right up to me and stared at my tits. I said, “Like what you see, Slugger?”

He took off his glasses and said, “Don’t you think I look like Superman when I take my glasses off? Check it out. Glasses on – Keith Olbermann. Glasses off – Superman!” Like I said, the guy is really, truly smart. Awesomely smart.

Chrissy Mathews showed up. OMG, he is soooooo cute. If you think he talks fast on television, you should have seen him after he’s done a couple lines of premier blow. Holy crappitolly!! He’s like a verbal string of firecrackers! He walked up to me and said, “I love a Ginny broad with a sweet ass. You send a major tingle up my leg.” With that, he hustled my fine ass into the kitchen pantry. Maybe it was the blow, but now I think I know why they call him “Tweety.”

The things I do for my country.

Vol 1
Vol 2
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Vol. 9
Vol.10
Vol. 11
Vol. 12

I sorely needed a laugh today, having seen over the last twelve days a preview of what we can expect from The One and the Democrats in Washington over the next four two years.

via C&S

I had planned on writing something today. Really.

I woke up with a couple ideas in my cruller, but after reading the news about the looming “Stimulus Package,” I’ve got way too much of a case of the ass to write anything, let alone something even remotely humorous.

Maybe later, maybe tomorrow.

Now that he’s been booted from office, former Governor Rod Blagojevich reportedly plans to spend his new-found free time searching for the real killer of Nicole Simpson and his elusive upper lip.

I see that a Congressman with a sense of humor has written the “Rangel Rule Act of 2009, HR 735,” which, when written on one’s tax return would exempt one from paying interest and penalties on taxes unpaid in the past. Doug Ross suggests that there ought to also be a “Dodd Rule,” which would permit one refinancing a loan to obtain a new loan fifty basis points lower than the market rate.

I would like to suggest the “Pelosi Rule,” which you can invoke after you’ve been asked a question by a reporter and your answer is, at best, gibberish, or, at worst, pure horseshit. The benefit of this rule is that its prompt invocation will cause the Mainstream Media Lemon to refrain from asking you “WTF?”

I figure I must be on Candid Camera or some shit. It’s all a gag, right? This cannot be happening to the country. Can it?

So far today we’ve had snow, hail, sleet, rain (lots of rain) and FOG.

Can locusts be far behind?

I’d like to take a moment to tip my hat to all the Republicans and the twelve Democrats in the House of Representatives who voted against the so-called “Stimulus Package,” which is nothing more than a big-government Pork Frenzy calculated to increase the size of government, reward political friends and solidify the future political support of the tax takers in the country.

Walk tall.

The Mystery
Over the weekend, local news outlets were abuzz (atwitter?) with news of thousands of dead birds showing up all over the place in Somerset County for no apparent reason. Some people, upon seeing the ubiquitous dead birds, were worried about avian flu or West Nile Virus. Who wouldn’t be, when awakening to see your lawn covered with dead birds?

The Answer
The birds did not die from some avian disease, but they were poisoned by the United States Department of Agriculture.

Huh? Boid Moider? Boidicide? WTF?

Yes, it was a case of boid moider. The intended victims were European Starlings, which were eating and pooping in the grain of a Princeton Township livestock farmer (Yeah, we really do have farms in Jersey). After a few non-lethal attempts to make the birds leave failed, the U.S. Government poisoned the birds.

Interesting Stuff

There are about 200 million European Starlings in the U.S. They didn’t live here (hence the name “European” Starlings) until a fellow named Eugene Schieffelin released 100 of them in Central Park in New York City in 1890 and 1891. Apparently, he released the foreign birds as part of an effort by the American Acclimatization Society “to fill America with all the birds mentioned in Shakespeare’s works.” (The European Starling appeared in Shakespeare’s “Henry IV.”) If Eugene Schieffelin were alive today, he would no doubt be a disciple of Algore and equally oblivious to the unintended consequences of douchebaggery.

The federal geniuses decided to poison the birds on a Friday, without giving proper notice to the affected towns. This resulted in weekend calls to town officials going unanswered. These are the same type folks who will run our soon-to-be nationalized healthcare system.

Yet another success story brought to you courtesy of the federal government.

I will spare you the details of what I spent a good deal of yesterday doing, but today I learned that Mr. Colon is in order.

That is all.