The day began with moving about the House by the Parkway at a slow pace cleaning up the remainder of the post-party rubble. That was followed by lots of sitting, reading and nodding off, all interspersed with trips to the refrigerator to pick on the vast assortment of leftovers. Oh, and there are the cookies, wonderful cookies. Oy! I can feel my ass growing.

Beyond that extremely dull report, I have nothing of interest to offer the Blogosphere today. Tomorrow promises to bring unseasonably warm weather (they’re talking sixty degrees – WTF?), which should clear away the icy patches and permit a groundpound. My psyche and my expanding ass could use one.

I hope youse all had a MAHvelous Christmas.

As the end of what may prove to be an historic year the beginning of the end of the Republic approaches, it seems fitting to, once again, bestow upon deserving recipients the Jimbo Awards. The last time these awards were given was in 2004.

We don’t have a panel of judges, and we don’t poll anyone. This is not a democracy. I decide on the categories, and I make all the choices my badself. If you don’t agree with my selections, feel free to hand out your very own awards.

The awards are in no particular order.

1. Biggest Loss of Career and a Shitload of Money by a Professional Sports Douchebag.

The Winner – Plaxico Burress, who was dumb enough to bring a handgun into a night club, and in an even dumber move, managed to shoot himself in the leg. Still not satisfied with how much stupid he could fit into one day, he tried to cover the whole thing up. Now we learn that he is being sued for slamming his Mercedes into the ass end of a woman’s car in Florida, and he has no insurance. Why? Because he failed to pay the premium. All this will cost him a career worth roughly $35 million. Maybe he can get a gig at the local car wash.

2. The Biggest Bullshit Story Foisted Upon the American People. Ever.

The Winner – Man-Made Global Warming, which has since become known as “Climate Change.” We are to believe that there is a consensus among scientists that man-made global warming causes “climate change” and that the reason we are freezing our asses off this winter is that the planet is too hot, and that we made it too hot. The so-called “consensus” has all but evaporated, but that doesn’t even give pause to the enviro-kooks, who want to take the country backward two hundred years.

3. The Most Memorable Instant Politician.

The Winner – Caroline Kennedy. Princess Caroline was plucked from her Park Avenue digs and her two-hours per week fundraising “jobs” to become the leading candidate for the New York Senatorial seat. Instant politician! Just add bullshit and gobs of liberal hypocrisy and media slobber.

4. The Greatest New Vodka Find.

The Winners – Yes this is a three-way tie: Three Olives Triple Shot Espresso Vodka, Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka and Zyr Vodka (smooth as silk), proving that 2008 did have its good moments.

5. The Most Famous Partisan Rag Posing as a Newspaper.

The Winner – The New York Times. The only thing about the Times that has sunk lower than its credibility is its stock price. Perhaps next year it will win the Jimbo Award for The Most Famous Partisan Rag Posing as a Newspaper that Went Belly Up.

6. The Biggest Douchebag on Television Posing as a Newsman.

The Winner – Keith Olbermann. This preening, bloviating asshole and his spittle-spewing “Special Commentaries” are enough to curdle milk, and he has the moxie to use Edward R. Murrow’s signoff.

7. The Worst Governor in the United States.

The Winner – Rod Blagojevich. Until recently, New Jersey’s own Jon Corzine (whose goal in life seems to be to tax and regulate New Jersey into the stone age), was a shoo-in for this award. However, in the past few weeks Hot Rod Blagojevich easily snatched the prize and, in the process, reminded us Garden Staters that it is possible to have a more worthless turd for a Governor than Jon Corzine (or his predecessor, Jim McGreevey).

8. The Single Word that was Most Annoying.

The Winner – “Green.” Yes, “Hope” and “Change” were close contenders, but they are two words, and as sickeningly pervasive as they are, they are nowhere near as ubiquitous as the word “Green.” Green this, green that, the city’s going green, the company’s going green, green energy and, perhaps the one that makes my hair hurt the most, “Green Jobs.” Believe it or not, conservatives don’t want to shit the place up. We live here too. But, enough with the stupid squiggly light bulbs (with mercury in them) and mindless regulations such as those that require a Hazmat Team to show up dressed like astronauts if someone drops a thermometer on the floor, or those that slam the brakes on property development, because two goddamned whateverfinches live on the 100-acre tract.

9. The Most Annoying New TV Pitchman.

The Winner – the ShamWOW Guy. What’s with the wear-on-your-face microphone? Is it necessary to talk to the “camera guy” during what is, most certainly, well-rehearsed bit? The ShamWOW Guy makes Ron Popeil sound as mellow as Mister Rogers.

10. The Most Thoroughly Detestable Politician.

The Winner – Barney Frank. This category posed the greatest challenge. There are so many thoroughly detestable politicians, choosing the most thoroughly detestable politician is not easy – sort of a Sophie’s Choice in reverse. Among the contenders were: Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Chris Dodd and Chuck Schumer, but Congressman Frank, who is frankly (pun intended) sickening in every conceivable way, nosed the others out. My skin crawls every time he opens his fat, toothless, always-lying yap. Whenever I watch the videotape in which he uses the word “shibboleth,” which sounds like a combination of Daffy Duck and Tom Brokaw I could literally shit myself as a result of a confluence of hysterical laughter and rage.

Go read, then vote.

Remember the five Muslim immigrants on trial for conspiracy to kill U.S. military personnel at Fort Dix?

CONVICTED.

After six days of deliberations, the sequestered jury in the U.S. District Court in Camden convicted the five men of conspiracy and related weapons charges. They were acquitted of the attempted murder charge.

Each faces up to life in prison on the conspiracy charge. Under terrorism laws, prosecutors may seek an enhanced sentence of life without parole. Sentencing was set for April 22 and 23.

The sister of one of the defendants addressed the press and said, “The only reason they put five kids in jail is because they are Muslim.”

She must be talking about the longstanding practice of federal law enforcement officers regularly rounding up Muslim kids and putting them in jail.

I just read a post at The Coalition of the Swilling about your singing the National Anthem at one of the gazillion bowl games being held this year. I hope you sing better than you act.

See, the thing is, I think you’re an asshole. I’ve thought that for quite some time (years, in fact), but I never got around to telling you that, or telling you why I think you’re an asshole. No time like the present.

Roughly a quarter century ago, my daughter, who was a little girl at the time, used to watch you on that dumbass talking car show. She didn’t think it was a dumbass show, but that’s because she was a child. Anyway, she was quite star struck, so much so that she decided to write you a fan letter. Believing I was wise in most matters, as little girls are wont to believe, she asked me if I thought that writing you a letter was a good idea.

I told her that it was a great idea, and I even went so far as to suggest that she request a photo. I told her that she would probably hear from you. What I didn’t tell her is that I knew that people such as you, with a hit TV show that had a particular appeal to children, get lots of letters from admiring, young fans and that people like you had someone (perhaps an agency) routinely respond to such letters.

She happily worked on her letter and even asked me to look it over. I told her it was a terrific letter, because it was. We mailed her letter, and, of course, she dutifully checked the mail every day for a response. Days, then weeks went by, and when it became apparent that she would not receive a response, I told her that you were probably very, very busy, but that you, no doubt, appreciated hearing from her. I did not tell her that I had concluded that you are an asshole.

Now, she’s well educated and all grown up, so I’m certain that she realizes that dads sometimes have to shade the truth to spare their little girl’s feelings. I’m also certain that, being all grown up and being particularly bright, she thinks you’re an asshole.

Do I hold a grudge? Damned straight, asshole.

Very truly yours,
Jim
Parkway Rest Stop
P.S. I’d sooner shovel shit than listen to you sing anything, much less the National Anthem.

Unless you have been in a coma for the past week or so, you know about Bernard Madoff and his fifty-billion dollar Ponzi scheme. I suppose it doesn’t take much more than a truly black heart to bilk people out of their life savings and bankrupt a charity or two – any con man can do that, but this guy has also ensnared sophisticated investigators, including hedge fund operators.

But, what earns Bernie da Woim the prestigious Brass Stindeens Award is that he included among his investors, former New York Governor, Eliot Spitzer, who made his political bones as New York’s Attorney General by being the “Sheriff of Wall Street.” Good eye, Eliot.

First, it was the hooker thing and now this. Definitely not a banner year for ol’ Eliot, but he did manage to enable Bernie Da Woim to win an award.

The weather folks were quite certain that snow was coming our way. I knew they were right, because, with many years of snow experience, one can actually smell impending snow (no kidding), and it smelled like snow.

In anticipation of the promised snow, I picked up a new gas can and some bottles of gookum that has to be mixed with the gas (2-cycle engine oil for you wrench peeps), then filled up the gas can, mixed in the gookum and filled up the Big, Fat, Black Capitalist Car while I was at it. Of course, I never touched the gas pump, for in New Jersey we don’t pump our own gas (Yes!!).

Upon arriving back to the House by the Parkway, I made sure that I filled the calcium chloride ice-melting-stuff bottle/sprinklers, and got two snow shovels out of the garage and positioned one in the front of the house for shoveling the front steps and the other in the back, poised to shovel off the deck.

Damn, I felt very responsible.

About an hour or so into the snowfall, it was clear that these were not snow flurries, but the real deal. I went outside to drag the snowblower from the shed (dragging it across the yard in deep snow is a bummer) to position it in the garage for later use.

Then, I acted like someone who just moved here from Florida.

I thought, “Yo, even though it is snowing like a bastard, I’ll fire up the snowblower and get a jump on the cleanup.” About thirty minutes of snow blowing later, I looked a bit like the abominable snowdoosh, and the driveway and sidewalk looked as if they had never been cleaned. I know that my friend Richmond has to snowblow while the snow is still falling in order to keep from being totally buried, but, hey, that’s Wis-farookin’-consin. I shoulda known better.

So, the then-current game plan was to wait until the snow stops before I head outside to snowblow. Problem is that the heavy snow has now turned into icy rain and freakin’ sleet, which, of course turns everything to slop that is as heavy as concrete. Worse yet, the forecast says that it will turn back into snow later tonight. My game plan is in the dumper.

I hate this shit.

I do, however, have plenty of vodka on hand.

Let’s talk laundry for a minute, shall we, for I am, after all, a Laundry Guy.

One of today’s loads was “darks.” Sometimes “darks” contains various shades of “dark,” and sometimes even a color or two creeps into the mix. It’s all good, as long as one sticks with cold water. Ahhh, but today’s load of darks happened to be all seriously dark things – primarily blacks and blues, one such blue thing being a pair of Mrs. Parkway’s jeans.

Now, when I wash my own jeans, I always check the pockets, because one never knows what is lurking around in those babies – change, paper money, cigarette lighters, etc. By contrast, I never bother to search through the pockets of Mrs. Parkway’s jeans, because unlike me, she is not a careless slob who willy-nilly tosses her duds into the laundry basket.

You probably can see where this is headed, no?

Suffice it to say that, in the future, I will be searching the pockets of Mrs. Parkway’s jeans before I commit them to the depths of Lake Maytag.

Do you have any idea what a couple tissues left in a pants pocket can do to a load of blacks and blues? Had to be ten thousand little white paper yitchkees all over the clothes. Very bad news.

A good Laundry Guy learns from his mistakes, and I am a good farookin’ Laundry Guy.

That is all.

What to do when you are too tired, too frazzled, and too cranky to create something interesting or humorous? Simple. You fall back on a MEME.

I got this one from Mostly Cajun, and he got it from El Capitan.

Try to contain yourselves as I reveal [s] extremely interesting [/s] things about my badself.

Do you remember your first favorite song? If so, what was it?
“My Heart Cries for You” I was a mere squirt, but my mother told me that I could sing all the words — with soul.

What do you refuse to eat?
All seafood except for shrimp, which I learned to eat so as to be able to not screw up the dinner plans of those who wish to eat at a seafood joint. I also won’t eat anything that I saw when it was alive. I prefer meat from the supermarket on a Styrofoam tray wrapped in clear plastic wrap and bearing a price tag. Finally, bugs and boogers got no shot.

Have you ever injected any kind of drug before?
Zillions of times to lab animals, but never to myself. For my part, I was particularly fond of the pneumatic guns the Army used to “squirt” stuff into your arm. Yeef!

Do amusement park rides make you sick?
Ones that do nothing but spin might. Roller coasters and similar rides, no. By contrast, Barney Frank always makes me sick.

Who is your favorite Star Wars character?
Obi what’shisname.

What kind of cheese do you put on your sandwiches?
American or Swiss usually. Not a fan of seriously stinky cheese.

What was the first thing you ever learned how to cook?
Fried eggs.

Did you ever collect beanie babies?
Nope. I once considered collecting humorous cummerbunds, but I soon learned that they were too rare to be worth the investment in time.

When was the last time you got a haircut?
Almost five weeks ago. I’m due this week. I take hair care quite seriously.

Have you ever been to a bachelor/bachelorette party?
Oh yeah. Someday I’ll write about mine. Teaser: It involved nudity and a bowling ball. Really.

Where are you most ticklish on your body?
Not really ticklish. I was when I was a kid. Nowadays I’m too cranky.

Have you ever bailed anyone out of jail?
No, but remind me to tell you the story about the pro bono client I visited in jail. It’s a moderately funny story, but I’m too tired at the moment to tell it.

What’s the last board game you played?
Scrabble. I’m not real good at it. I’m too busy trying to think of fifty cent words, while those who are good at it always get the triple word scores with douche bag words, making me and “laconic” look pretty stupid.

Do you still own any VHS tapes?
A shitload. Nothing to play them on. Progress sometimes sucks. I’m hopeful that Obama will do something for us VHS tape owners.

Do you shop at JC Penney’s ever?
Nope, but I once knew a guy who got some pretty cool shoes there. Maybe it was a shirt. Like I said, I’m pretty tired.

If there was a real Jurassic Park, would you visit it?
No farookin’ way. Dinosaurs are, to me, like alligators raised to the tenth power. Good grief.

Do you ever read the newspaper?
Not the dead tree versions. By the way, I can’t believe people actually pay to read the New York Times.

Do you eat your mac & cheese with a fork or a spoon?
Fork. Fork me? Fork YOU!

Is there any medicine/pill you take every day?
Two. They seem to be working. Doctor Doctor is pleased, and so am I.

How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you right now?
None at the moment, but when I emptied my pockets on the table a few hours ago, I believe there were four. I had two more, but the liquor store owns them now.

Would you do meth if it was legalized?
No thanks. That is some seriously bad shit.

Do you think Obama will be assassinated?
I don’t like the guy, but I certainly would not want that to happen. I would be happy if he would just wise up.

Have you ever made out with someone and then never saw them again?
I’m sure I did in my yoot.

Do you drink egg nog?
Definitely (with a tad of dark rum or brandy). I also like egg nog ice cream.

What are you wearing?
Sweat pants and a raggedy, very comfortable blue tee shirt. I figure some day it will be in style.