What to do when you are too tired, too frazzled, and too cranky to create something interesting or humorous? Simple. You fall back on a MEME.

I got this one from Mostly Cajun, and he got it from El Capitan.

Try to contain yourselves as I reveal [s] extremely interesting [/s] things about my badself.

Do you remember your first favorite song? If so, what was it?
“My Heart Cries for You” I was a mere squirt, but my mother told me that I could sing all the words — with soul.

What do you refuse to eat?
All seafood except for shrimp, which I learned to eat so as to be able to not screw up the dinner plans of those who wish to eat at a seafood joint. I also won’t eat anything that I saw when it was alive. I prefer meat from the supermarket on a Styrofoam tray wrapped in clear plastic wrap and bearing a price tag. Finally, bugs and boogers got no shot.

Have you ever injected any kind of drug before?
Zillions of times to lab animals, but never to myself. For my part, I was particularly fond of the pneumatic guns the Army used to “squirt” stuff into your arm. Yeef!

Do amusement park rides make you sick?
Ones that do nothing but spin might. Roller coasters and similar rides, no. By contrast, Barney Frank always makes me sick.

Who is your favorite Star Wars character?
Obi what’shisname.

What kind of cheese do you put on your sandwiches?
American or Swiss usually. Not a fan of seriously stinky cheese.

What was the first thing you ever learned how to cook?
Fried eggs.

Did you ever collect beanie babies?
Nope. I once considered collecting humorous cummerbunds, but I soon learned that they were too rare to be worth the investment in time.

When was the last time you got a haircut?
Almost five weeks ago. I’m due this week. I take hair care quite seriously.

Have you ever been to a bachelor/bachelorette party?
Oh yeah. Someday I’ll write about mine. Teaser: It involved nudity and a bowling ball. Really.

Where are you most ticklish on your body?
Not really ticklish. I was when I was a kid. Nowadays I’m too cranky.

Have you ever bailed anyone out of jail?
No, but remind me to tell you the story about the pro bono client I visited in jail. It’s a moderately funny story, but I’m too tired at the moment to tell it.

What’s the last board game you played?
Scrabble. I’m not real good at it. I’m too busy trying to think of fifty cent words, while those who are good at it always get the triple word scores with douche bag words, making me and “laconic” look pretty stupid.

Do you still own any VHS tapes?
A shitload. Nothing to play them on. Progress sometimes sucks. I’m hopeful that Obama will do something for us VHS tape owners.

Do you shop at JC Penney’s ever?
Nope, but I once knew a guy who got some pretty cool shoes there. Maybe it was a shirt. Like I said, I’m pretty tired.

If there was a real Jurassic Park, would you visit it?
No farookin’ way. Dinosaurs are, to me, like alligators raised to the tenth power. Good grief.

Do you ever read the newspaper?
Not the dead tree versions. By the way, I can’t believe people actually pay to read the New York Times.

Do you eat your mac & cheese with a fork or a spoon?
Fork. Fork me? Fork YOU!

Is there any medicine/pill you take every day?
Two. They seem to be working. Doctor Doctor is pleased, and so am I.

How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you right now?
None at the moment, but when I emptied my pockets on the table a few hours ago, I believe there were four. I had two more, but the liquor store owns them now.

Would you do meth if it was legalized?
No thanks. That is some seriously bad shit.

Do you think Obama will be assassinated?
I don’t like the guy, but I certainly would not want that to happen. I would be happy if he would just wise up.

Have you ever made out with someone and then never saw them again?
I’m sure I did in my yoot.

Do you drink egg nog?
Definitely (with a tad of dark rum or brandy). I also like egg nog ice cream.

What are you wearing?
Sweat pants and a raggedy, very comfortable blue tee shirt. I figure some day it will be in style.

I am seriously crabby. Here are but a few reasons why:

1. Some maniac torches Sarah Palin’s church while people are inside, and it gets only slightly more coverage than would a covered dish dinner by the Rosary Society. This is the same press that flooded Wasilla with reporters to uncover the big tanning bed story. Imagine if it were Obama’s church, or Biden’s?

2. The Governor of New York wants to institute an “obesity tax” on non-diet soft drinks. What’s next? A fat-content Twinkie Tax? Just more Nanny State bullshit social engineering. This is just the goddamned beginning. Count on it.

3. Speaking of bullshit, the President-elect and his “Energy Team” are gearing up to destroy the coal industry, and take other measures, which, by the President-elect’s own admission, will cause electricity prices to “skyrocket.” Swell idea. That’s what the economy needs right about now. But, not to worry, because he’s going to create a zillion “Green” jobs. Has anyone ever asked him exactly how he plans to do that? No, because during the campaign the press was in Wasilla and now our Fourth Estate is busy breaking its collective ass assuring us that Rahm Emmanuel is as pure as the goddamned driven snow and that he and Barack swam in the Chicago shit for years and ended up stink-free.

I am pleased to be one of the many Jersey Bloggers, of all stripes, who have united to seek your help for the New Jersey Food Bank. As this video makes clear, the number of people (some of whom may be your friends or family) who find themselves in need of the services provided by their local food banks has been dramatically increasing, while donations have been dramatically decreasing

You can pitch in by making a monetary donation, but if you find yourself unable to do that, please consider making a donation of food to your local food banks. I have to believe you can open your cabinets and fill up at least one grocery bag full of food that you, thankfully, can spare. We at the House by the Parkway did just that a week or so ago in connection with a food drive run at work, and I was happy to see the photographs of a full-sized van loaded with food heading off to the local food bank.

New Jersey Premier Blogger, Tigerhawk, has made a very generous offer. He has indicated that he will match your monetary contribution, dollar for dollar. The details are here.

It’s extremely rare that so many bloggers can agree about anything, but it is gratifying to see that we have come together for this cause.

Please do what you can. If you can’t donate money, it’s OK, but how about donating a bag of groceries? Take a look in your kitchen cabinets. I’m sure you can fill up a bag of things you don’t need to give to people who need them very much.

Update: I had written this post several hours ago and immediately headed off for Mr. Recliner, where I pretended to watch television. I only now realized that I had accidentally published it as a separate page rather than a regular entry, which is interesting seeing as how I don’t know how I managed to do that.. I still don’t get the separate page thing.

Check it out over at Erica’s place. Great stuff. If these guys aren’t professional dancers, they ought to be.

Sure, I like Merle Haggard, Waylon, and Johnny Cash, but I also have the complete Judy Garland collection, and several Peter Allen discs.

Youse got a problem wit dat?

Here, in New Jersey, where we have sections of cities that look like some shithole in Somolia and which are equally dangerous, and where you can’t spit without hitting a crooked politician, our Crime Busting Attorney General, Anne Milgram, a Jon Corzine appointee, turned the state’s law enforcement guns on the company that sells Kinoki Foot Pads!

Perhaps you have seen the infomercials. These are the lily-white pads you stick to the bottoms of your feet while you sleep, and the next morning when you remove them, they are all brown and nasty looking. According to the seller of this product, this is because the pads are busy removing all sorts of dreadful toxins from your blood. Of course, the claim is complete rubbish.

Ms. Milgram is following in the footsteps of her predecessor, Peter Harvey, whose office wrestled Blockbuster to the ground over late fees, while U.S. Attorney Christopher Christie was successfully prosecuting a boatload of crooked state politicians.

Arranging the deck chairs on the Titanic?

You betcha!

Sometime around noon today, it occurred to me that I was drafted into the Army forty years ago today. That, in turn, reminded me of my pre-induction physical and the guy who showed up in the dress.

It sure doesn’t seem like forty years ago that I arrived on a cold night at Fort Dix with a busload of guys, mostly shit scared, who were about to have their worlds turned upside down.

Those of you who may be relatively new around the House by the Parkway, might be interested in a series of posts I did describing my adventures in Basic Training at Fort Dix, where I did everything possible to figure out a way to serve my country as a Remington Raider. The links to the posts are here. I reread them from time to time, and I think they’re pretty funny, but maybe you had to be there.

(Sung to the tune of “Let it Snow”)

Oh the weather outside is shitty,
And I’m all fresh out of witty
But I’m happy because I know
It ain’t snow, it ain’t snow, it ain’t snow.

That is all.

Santa Claus
North Pole

Re: Christmas List

Dear Santa,

I feel a little bit strange writing to you, seeing as how I am probably better known around the world than you are. But, I must confess that I still haven’t figured out how to make reindeer fly (even though I am working on that), so I think it won’t hurt to drop you a line to tell you what I would like for Christmas.

You should know that I have been a really, really good boy man. The William Ayers thing was bullshit (pardon my French, Santa) as was the Reverend Wright thing and the Rezko thing. I’m also proud that I didn’t kick Michelle’s ass for saying that dumb shit (oooopsie, Santa!) during the campaign. I even made friends with Hillary, the Satanic Swinette. Like I said: I’ve been really extra superdoubleplus good.

So, here is my list:

1. Some kind of device on my phone that will make John Kerry stop calling me whining about the Secretary of State deal.

2. Something really heavy to fall on Bill Clinton’s head. You know, like a safe falling from the 23rd floor of a building. Sort of like the Road Runner ““ Wylie Coyote thing. Splat! That would be really cool.

3. One of those swishy guys to give Michelle a few fashion tips. (Psssssst. Please don’t tell her I asked for this. She’ll kick my ass. Ooooopsie!)

4. humility

5. Most of all (and I really, really mean most of all) could you visit a case of total and irreversible amnesia on that Blagojevich guy?

Thanks, Santa. And just so you know “¦ if you do right by me, there’ll be something in it for you. I’m thinking an Ambassadorship to some place where it’s warm. How’s Liberia grab you?

Your pal,
Barack