I’m back on the case. I had traveled to the future House By The Parkway as part of the Advance Team to do things like open bank accounts and buy MAJOR appliances. I did manage go find a glomable wireless signal, but I was too tired and worn out from being in MAJOR appliance departments of various stores to write anything.

Speaking of MAJOR appliances, when was the last time you had to buy those things? Holy cannoli, the price of the MAJOR appliances we bought (the fancy schmancy stuff, naturally) rivals the gross national product of many small countries.

I learned much. For example, consider that “counter depth” refrigerators, by definition, are smaller than “bigger-than-counter-depth” refrigerators. Logic would seem to dictate that “smaller” would be cheaper than “larger”. Wrong! The world of MAJOR appliances is nuanced.

I also learned that today’s fancy schmancy clothes dryers do more than simply dry wet clothes. They allow you to have steam blown into your already-dry clothes. WTF? I wonder how I ever managed to get to be this age without knowing the joy and critical importance of occasionally having steam blown into my farookin’ clothes?

Well, now I’m back at the current House By the Parkway with my old refrigerator, the freezer portion of which currently contains:

A bottle of Iceberg Vodka

A bottle of Three Olives Chocolate Vodka

A bottle of Three Olives Triple Shot Espresso Vodka

A bottle of Three Olives Orange Vodka (great with seltzer and lemon)

A bottle of Schmirnoff Orange Vodka (in case I run out of Three Olives Orange)

A bottle of Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka

A bottle of Firefly Sweet Tea Peach Vodka

A bottle of Firefly Sweet Tea Raspberry Vodka

A bottle of Firefly Sweet Tea Mint Vodka

I think I saw a box of frozen string beans in there somewhere.

I love my freezer.

Whether I will make an appearance during the next day or so depends on whether I can glom onto a wireless connection somewhere near where I’ll be.

We’ll see.

Play nice.

Recently, Janet Napolitano ordered a bowl of spaghetti at a Washington D.C. restaurant. PRS Operatives recorded the following:

Bowl of Spaghetti: Asshole!

Janet: What?

Bowl of Spaghetti: The guy came within seconds of blowing an airliner out of the sky, and you said the system worked?

Janet: What is this? Some kind of “truth to power” thing?

Bowl of Spaghetti: No, I prefer to think of it simply as a bowl of spaghetti calling you an asshole.

A year ago …

Will someone please tap this woman on her shoulder and ask her to extract her head.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Sincerely,
Janet’s Ass

The dinner and late night new year’s eve revelry with the Usual Suspects has left me a bit ragged around the edges today. I plan on spending the day nodding off reading and taking non-alcoholic fluids.

That is all.

To all those who stop by the House by the Parkway, I wish you a happy, healthy and prosperous new year – a year that will bring genuine change.

See you in 2010.

Something is going on.

I spent a couple hours in Lowe’s today, and I really didn’t mind. It used to be that five minutes in Lowe’s was five minutes too many. Could it be a retirement thing?

I used to be able to wear a tee shirt and shorts in the house all winter long, but now I sport a thermal shirt and sweat pants. Could that also be a retirement (getting old) thing? Then again, losing sixty pounds (on purpose) might have something to do with it.

If I find myself watching daytime television, I hope one of you will be kind enough to come to the House by the Parkway and shoot me.

That is all.

At the moment, I find myself unable to write anything worth a damn, particularly anything even remotely humorous. That’s because I’m having difficulty thinking about much of anything except how close some murdering bastard came to blowing an American airliner out of the sky on Christmas day. When I consider the governmental incompetence that resulted in the attack and the governmental incompetence, stupidity and outright mendacity that followed it, I am sickened and frankly terrified.

So, it is on days like this, when I need to take my mind off the horror stories in the news, I enjoy taking a look at what our old pal Carl Brannen has been thinking about. Carl’s latest meanderings concern a matter that has phenomenologists in a bit of an uproar. Of course, I am referring to the controversy swirling around the Wolfenstein parametrization for the Kobayashi-Maskawa matrix. Read it carefully, as I am considering giving a quiz.

Carl farookin’ rocks.

Following his ethanol-powered speech on the Senate floor about “Healthcare,” Senator Max Baucus, the Distinguished Shitfaced Gentleman from Montana, received numerous phone messages. PRS Operatives have again employed their proprietary technical skills to obtain access to the senator’s answering machine. Here is a sample of what they heard:

BEEEEEEP
Max, Barney Fwank here. Man, that speech sent a tingle down my leg. You weally spoke truth to power. I’d like to invite you over to my place for drinks and whatever. I’ll whip up a gallon or so of cosmos and break out some awesome oils and a new box of poppers. I promise, it will be awesome. Give me a call.

BEEEEEEP
Hi, I saw your speech. My name is Bill, from the local A.A. group. Dude, I think you need to come to a meeting. Call me.

BEEEEEEP
Max, it’s Keith Olbermann. That was a fabulous speech. I’d like to buy a case of whatever it was you drank. It would really jazz up my already-excellent special commentaries. Phone or email will be fine. Good night and good luck.

BEEEEEEP
Mr. Baucus, this is Jack, the bartender. Man, you weren’t kidding when you said after your tenth drink that you were going into the Senate chamber and kick some ass. That was awesome. I have your regular seat saved. Oh, and thanks for the fifty.

BEEEEEEP
Senator, it’s Gino the dry cleaner speaking. I’m sorry, but I can’t get the puke stains off your suits any more. You’re either going to have to get new suits or a new dry cleaner. You can pick up your soiled suits during regular business hours. I have six of them.