Today I find myself harboring yet another serious case of the ass. I probably spent too much time watching the news and reading about, as we used to say in school, “current events.”

I watched Chuck Schumer go on and on about how swell the government option socialized medicine will be. Of course, you’ll never run into that weasel-faced prick in the government clinic.

I watched the video of the young animals in Chicago beat a kid to death. (I’m not linking it. It’s easy enough to find, and it’s difficult to watch.) It was positively sickening. I hope they are all caught and are treated like the animals they are. Pieces of shit.

Tomorrow, the Empire State Building will be lit up in red and yellow in honor of the sixtieth anniversary of the communist revolution in China. Yeah, I know; the building is lit up differently for various occasions, but Jesus H. Christ! The anniversary of the communist revolution? The country has gone insane.

Oprah is going with The One and Mrs. The One to Denmark to lobby for holding the Olympics in Chicago. We can’t lose with a powerhouse team like that on the case. Maybe Oprah can give everygoddamnedbody in Denmark a car. Maybe street beatings will be a new event for the Olympics. Chicago has a team ready to go.

I could go on and on, but all I’m doing is pissing myself off even more.

That is all.

OK, we have Iran shooting off missiles that can hit Israel and American bases in the Gulf. We have The One’s Administration, having already seized a major portion of the auto and banking industries, engaging in a full-court press to seize one sixth of the U.S. economy in the name of socialized medicine universal health care, and we have the commander on the ground in Afghanistan (appointed by The One and with whom The One has spoken with one time) asking for more troops.

In some alternate universe perhaps it makes sense that, at this time, The One and his wife will be winging off to Denmark – yes, Den-farookin’-mark — to pitch Chicago as the next Olympic venue.

I got to thinking about other things The One might do while the world crumbles around him, rather than spending just a teeeeeeny bit of time actually doing the job of being the President:

A get-together with Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Vladimir Putin to discuss the arrangements for the May Day Celebration next year on the South Lawn.

An audition for a gig with “Dancing with the Stars.” I figure he’s a lock.

A trip to visit Blago to remind him what’s in it for him to keep his fat mouth shut.

The rearranging the sock drawers in the White House.

A trip to England to ask how much the Queen loved the iPod and really loved His speeches.

A meeting with congressional leaders to discuss the government takeover of the fast-food chains in order to allow a Fast-Food Public Option in order to stimulate competition and lower the price of a Big Mac.

A meeting the with the NEA architects to discuss plans for the Barack Hussein Obama Tabernacle and Library.

The videotaping of a reality program entitled, “A Week with the Most Awesome First Family EVER” to be run on the networks in prime time and 24/7 on NPR.

Every day with this guy brings a brand-spanking-new kick in the stindeens. I don’t know how much more of this crap I can take.

Best wishes to my pals of the Jewish persuasion for an easy fast and for lots of Chinese food when it’s over. I believe pizza works too; just hold the pepperoni.

Today I got to be a judge yet again, although it had nothing to do with things legal. As in years past, I was one of the judges on the Truck Rodeo course. This year I was the Left Turn, Right Front Tire Guy.

Here is how my station looked. The idea is that, after completing four previous tasks on the course, the drivers had to make a sharp left turn and come as close to the rubber duck as possible without hitting the duck with the right front tire. You can see the scoring pad on the ground. The score was based on the portion of the scoring pad run over by the tread, not the bulge, of the right front tire. The drivers were not permitted to stop; they had to line this all up while moving from the previous task (which involved making a left turn and rolling the left rear tire over two similar scoring pads) — My buddy, Da Chef of da Future, was the judge for that one.

Here’s a better look at the duck and scoring pad. The duck was equipped with a string so that I could pull it out of harm’s way if it was clearly going to be run over. I had to yank the string three times, but the duck got squished a couple times anyway. I suppose a live duck would be more dramatic, but way too messy.

Here is the boundary within which the drivers had to stay while making the left turn.

The Truck Rodeo includes a fork-lift competition. That was going on to my left.

Here is a driver in a tractor-trailer doing one of the problems at the beginning of the course (Sorry for the bad lighting and lousy picture. I couldn’t leave my spot, and I was using a cell phone camera while the sun was hidden behind a cloud). The drivers had to pull out, swing right and then back in between two barricades, which permitted only five inches on either side of the trailer. These guys are good. I don’t think I could have done as well with my car.

The drivers’ families attend, and there is lots of food, prizes, and games for the kids (e.g. a water balloon toss), a small car show, a dog contest, a hot dog eating contest followed by a pie eating contest.

It’s a rather tiring day, but da Chef of da Future and I do it every year, because our friend Ken, (my bodyguard), is involved in managing the event and because it is a genuine slice of Americana.

These days, we have to protect those slices to keep them from disappearing.

Seeing as how The One seems driven to continue to apologize to tyrants for the evils that America has been perpetrating right up to the day of His inauguration, I think it’s fitting that I offer an apology to the people of the United Kingdom, a staunch ally of the United States.

As one of the 40+ million people in this country who did not vote to elect an arrogant, rude and dismissive empty suit to the Presidency, I would like to apologize to the people of the United Kingdom for The One’s seeming inability to recognize who are our friends and who our enemies should be. Like you, we, as well as the many who voted for him, but now wish they hadn’t, are stuck with him until 2012.

At that time, we hope to send him off to seek other employment.

Note: Fausta also has some thoughts on the matter.

I watch just about zero network television. There is, however, one exception. I often watch Jeopardy. I usually do pretty well, unless the categories include Geography (Damned if I know any rivers in Bulgaria) or the Bible (Mathew, Mark and Jack?). It provides a bit of dinner time brain exercise.

BUT!

The one part of the program that makes my hair hurt is when Alex chats with the contestants. That is some seriously cringeworthy stuff. The following examples are typical:

Alex: Contestant No. 1, Mary Gibbelruth, our grammar school teacher from Denver, Colorado, it says here that you had a frightening experience traveling to Los Angeles to appear on Jeopardy. Tell us about it.

Mary Gibbelruth:Well Alex, my husband and I were in the Denver Airport and we were seated by the gate waiting for the flight, and it was difficult to hear what the airline person at the desk was saying into the microphone.

Alex: Wow, that’s quite something. Did you miss your flight?

Contestant No. 1: No, but it was really weird … are really scary.

Alex: Wow, I’ll say. Now we have Contestant No. 2, Edgar Schmidtbutt, a parking valet from Miami, Florida. Edgar, I understand you have an interesting hobby.

Contestant No. 2: Yes, Alex. I collect coins.

Alex: Ah, a numismatist. Fascinating. How many coins are in your collection?

Contestant No. 2: Three.

Alex: You only have three coins in your collection?

Contestant No. 2: I just started.

Alex: Very interesting. Finally, we have Contestant No. 3, Marilyn Peckwith, a librarian from Little Rock, Arkansas and our current Jeopardy Champion. It says here that you had a bizarre experience on your honeymoon. What happened?

Contestant No. 3: Well, Alex, my husband and I were staying at this really fancy hotel in Bermuda, and we went to the dining room for breakfast. I ordered scrambled eggs and he ordered pancakes. When the waitress brought our breakfast, she gave me the pancakes and him the scrambled eggs. We looked at each other not sure what to do, and I decided to tell the waitress that she gave me his breakfast and gave him my breakfast. The waitress said, “I guess I have to do the switcheroo” and she switched our plates around so that I got my scrambled eggs, and he got his pancakes. It was pretty wild.

Alex: Bizarre, indeed.

It’s farookin’ painful. Can I get an amen?

A recent poll showed that 89.3 percent of those polled believed that the “media played a very or somewhat strong role in helping to elect President Obama….”

What the poll really showed was that 10.7% of those polled are either deaf and blind or have shit between their ears.

Yeah, I do.

I was way busy today with Life 101 (no groundpound, even) and did not give a moment’s thought to what I might write for Mr. Blog. However, a few minutes ago, I had the germ of an idea, which has the promise of being mildly amusing, but I’m just too damned tired to flesh it out.

I guess you (and I) will just have to cool our heels until I am not quite so ragged around the edges.

In the meantime, read Doug Ross. I do – every day, several times per day.

I don’t know if it’s a nationwide thing, but around here Comcast has decided to drop its analog signal. What that means is that if you have a TV already hooked up to digital service (as is the one in the room with Mr. Recliner), you’re cool for that TV. However, if you have other Comcast cable TVs, which are not hooked up to a digital box, you will lose a shitload of stations. For those TVs, one needs the digital thingy, available from Comcast.

Comcast has sent letters and made robo-calls reminding users that they may well need one or more digital thingies. As an additional “reminder,” certain stations began to disappear over the last few days. I finally got off my arse and ordered two digital thingies. They arrived the other day, and being lazy and a techno-chicken, I let them sit in the box for a few days, thinking that maybe there will be nuclear strike or something and I won’t have to deal with them. However, tonight, Fox News dropped off the scope on the kitchen TV, and it was time for action.

As usual, I broke out in a sweat at the thought of screwing around with wires and televisions, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. So, I followed all the setup directions and then logged into the website to activate the thingies. Well, it worked, but knowing how I fare with things techno, I thought, “Yo, this was way too easy.”

Of course, I was right.

Everything was cool with the TV in the kitchen until I tried to use the new remote that came with the thingy to turn the TV off. No dice. What now? Leave the TV on forever? Rather than risk a cardiovascular accident, I turned the TV off with the old remote, and I resolved to deal with it tomorrow. I had enough of coaxial cables, and checking for blinking lights on remotes for the night.

Wrong.

It seems the upstairs TV when squirrely when Mrs. Parkway tried to watch a DVD. Mind you, this is a DVD that only plays discs; it doesn’t record anything, so the setup instructions for a TV/VCR that came with the thingy did not apply (there is no coaxial input on the DVD player). After about 45 minutes of pushing various buttons on two remotes, it seems that the problem was not with the digital thingy, but rather the series of button pushes one has to do to turn on the DVD player without screwing up the TV.

This “easy setup” gobbled up a few hours in the shank of the evening.

So, at the end of the day and my latest bout with electronic stuff, here are my thoughts. The digital thingy is yet another damned widget, it occupies yet another socket, it has left us with a bunch of messy wires to contend, a remote that still has to be fiddled with, and a bizarre series of button pushes in order to watch a DVD. What we get in return are a handful of additional program offerings, none of which interest me in the least.

I suppose I should stop bitching, because I’m old enough to remember sitting real close to the ten-inch black and white with rabbit ears sitting atop the box (usually with balled up tinfoil on the end of each “ear” for enhanced reception) and having to change the channels (chunk, chunk, chunk) with a pair of pliers, all to watch Howdy Doody.

Yes, it truly is the non-breaking, non-exclusive, non-blockbuster story of the day. It is guaranteed not to keep you glued to your radio or to your TV screen for hours on end, but HERE IT IS.

Brace yourself.

My Waste-of-Oxygen congressperson was one of the swine who voted to continue to fund ACORN. Jesus Christ!

ACORN, in my view, is ripe for a RICO indictment, but the chances of that happening under The One’s administration are about equal to the chances of getting hit with a piece of space junk while on a date with Heidi Klum. What’s more, any thought of writing to my Waste-of-Oxygen congressperson to voice my disapproval of his position would be about as productive as shouting “Fire!” into a pure vacuum. Mr. Payne has run unopposed in his Gerrymandered district for as long as I can remember. (Portions of his district rival Somalia for the “Shithole of the Year” Award.) Besides, based upon his past history, he would likely be in Africa for some bullshit reason or another when my letter reached his office.

It’s no wonder I drink.

That is all.