I came upon this on my morning groundpound. Yes, it is an abandoned public phone thingy, which has been used as a trash receptacle by one or more pigs. The photo (I apologize for its lack of clarity – cell phone pic) does not show the other trash on the ground in the immediate vicinity of the phone thingy.

Let me set the scene and describe what most certainly happened.

The phone thingy is located at a bus stop. One or more pigs obviously bought their victuals at the convenience store, which is approximately twenty paces from the phone thingy. They carried their meals the twenty paces to the bus stop and consumed them, presumably while waiting for the bus.

After finishing their meal, they decided that the trash can that was approximately fifteen paces from the phone thingy was just too far to walk. So, the pigs decided to foul their immediate area, knowing they would eventually be taken away from the scene on a bus, thereby leaving their shit for someone else to pick up.

That really pisses me off.

Actually, referring to these animals as “pigs” is an insult to pigs, because pigs don’t shit where they eat.

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Secretary Clinton,

I’ve been a huge fan of yours for years now, and what I really want to know is when was the last time you used a rectal suppository?

With best regards,
Aldo Simbiletti

Dear Aldo:

Thank you for your probing question. LOL!!! As a matter of fact, I used one this morning, as I do every morning. I pre-soak them in pepper sauce. I credit this regimen for my always-pleasant disposition.

Dear Mrs. Clinton:

Here’s the thing. I think you’re really HOT – like smokin’ hot. Last night I had a dream that you were pole dancing. You were, like, naked, and you kept looking right at me. It was an awesome dream. What are your thoughts on pole dancing?

Sincerely,
Sly Strump

Dear Sly,

That Teddy sure was quite a rapscallion. I’ll miss him.

Dear Madam Secretary:

I know you are not very anxious to answer questions about your husband, but I am concerned about him. He seems to have aged quite a bit since he left office. How is his health? Has he slowed down a bit?

Very truly yours,
Concerned in Seattle

Dear Concerned:

You have a keen eye. Look, you can only bang hookers, secretaries, interns and showgirls like a screen door in a windstorm until it begins to catch up with you. Lately, I’ve noticed that he sit-pisses all the time. He used to only sit-piss in the middle of the night. Worse yet, about half the time after he sit-pisses, he has to stand and look into the bowl to see if he did anything else. I’d worry about him, but I’m very busy and shit.

Dear Secretary Clinton:

I fully support President Obama and his administration, but I think that Michelle Obama looks like a yeti. Do you agree?

Respectfully,
Gillian Frumpus

Dear Gillian,

Yes.

Previous Editions of “Ask Hillary”:

Vol. 1
Vol. 2
Vol. 3
Vol. 4
Vol. 5
Vol. 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8
Vol. 9
Vol. 10
Vol. 11

It was a rough day, and I’ve had a few Firefly Sweet Tea Vodkas in order to get perpendicular to the center of the earth.

At this moment, blogging appeals to me about as much as a sharp, shit-covered stick in the eye.

You would be well advised to go here to see what Kanye is up to. (Drink warning)

I thank Dogette for pointing me in Laura’s direction. Some really good stuff right there.

SPECIAL ALERT TO ILLINOIS PEEPS

I learned today that my buddy, Matt from the award-winning Blackfive, is running for the Illinois House of Representatives for the 41st District. Check out his campaign website. The towns that are located in the 41st District are:

Riverside
Brookfield
La Grange Park
Westchester
Oak Brook
Oak Brook Terrace
Lombard
Elmhurst
Villa Park
Berkeley

There is a map of the district on the website.

I know Matt personally, and I can tell you that he an exceedingly bright and very personable guy, who comes out right on all the important issues. I can also tell you that it is difficult to find a person who is more supportive than Matt is of the United States military and more dedicated than he is to the welfare of military personnel, both active-duty and veterans.

If you live in the 41st District, I urge you to support Matt. If you don’t live in the 41st District but know someone who does, please direct him or her to Matt’s website.

Hell, I wish he lived in Jersey. We sure could use at least one good guy in Trenton.

1. Memo to New York Drivers: When driving on a New Jersey Highway (We don’t call them “Freeways” or “Interstates”) and you have been passed on the right by two cars, or, in the alternative, passed by one car in which the driver gave you the stink eye or the finger), MOVE THE F**K TO THE RIGHT! How many stink eyes and fingers do I have to give to you maroons? Besides, it’s the goddamned law in this state. Where the hell is a state trooper when you need one?

2. At a blogmeet a few years ago, my pal and, first-class babe, Bou, mentioned that she had played the flute in high school, but that she didn’t play anymore. Of course, back then, I thought that she took the obligatory “instrument” in high school for a year, learned how not to horribly stink and then moved on. Little did I know that she played in one goddamned national award-winning high school band. Go listen. Holy cannoli!

3. Doesn’t it strike you as odd that the mainstream media has managed to all but ignore the videos of ACORN people offering to help people set up a prostitution ring comprised of under-aged-illegal aliens and to evade income taxes, while at the same time exhausting every conceivable angle from and squeezing every single drop from the Joe Wilson (“You lie!”) story? Actually, that was a rhetorical question.

4. The glut of “Buy gold NOW” commercials I hear on the radio is somewhat unsettling, but I guess that’s the idea.

5. Anyone who managed to successfully complete fifth grade arithmetic knows (or damned well should know) that it is impossible – yes, IMPOSSIBLE, to parachute 47 million 30 million people into the healthcare system, all of whom will have access to “free” healthcare, and not have it negatively impact the system. Pay for it with “doing away with waste” in Medicare and Medicaid? I could piss my pants laughing. The problem is, there is nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.

6. If explosive, debilitating diarrhea could be a human being, it would be Maxine Waters. People actually voted for this idiot?

7. Memo to Scotland: Bourbon is better.

8. Memo to Ireland: Bourbon is better.

9. Memo to Mark Lloyd: Kiss my ass.

10. Memo to Jon Corzine: Adios.

It’s not as if I don’t have anything I feel like writing about; it’s just that I’m too lazy tired to write anything worth reading.

So, with that, I thought this would be a good time to remind everyone about what Communism is all about, because it seems that these days many people need a bit of reminding.

Via my pal and fellow Jersey Blogger, Fausta

The September 11th museum that will be part of the building that will replace the World Trade Center Towers will contain an exhibit dedicated to the perspective of the hijackers. The exhibit will consist of “martyrdom tapes” made by the hijackers while preparing for the attacks as well as “testimonials” from people sympathetic to the hijackers’ cause.

Not to worry though, because, according to museum officials, the “martyrdom” tapes and testimonials “will be screened to prevent sympathizers from praising the perpetrators….”

Excuse me while I puke.

No, really.

Made me laugh, it did.

Note: It contains grownup language.

Swiped from C&S

DOGGY THOUGHTS FROM BO, THE PRESIDENTIAL POOCH.

Wow, it’s been quite a while since I made my first entry into my diary. Himself is out of the house at the moment, Bigfoot is taking a nap (I can hear her snoring – Yikes!) and the kids are playing video games, so here goes.

Quite a bit has changed around here since my last entry. Back then, Himself and Bigfoot were all cheery and shit all the time. Now, not so much. I don’t know exactly what’s going on, but Himself is always blabbing about healthcare. Hell, one night I thought he was going to completely lose it. He went on, non-stop, for at least two hours talking with no one else in the room but me about all the “ignorant assholes, rednecks, terrorists and capitalist pigs who just don’t get it” and how he was going to “fix their asses.” I thought his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

Finally, Bigfoot stomped (and I mean it was some serious Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum stomping) out of the bedroom and screamed, “Hey chump! Can’t you see we’re trying to sleep here? Give it a f**king rest!” Well, then the shit really hit the fan. There was lots of screaming and once they starting throwing things around, I hid behind the couch, but I could see shoes and other stuff bouncing off the walls. After much screaming, Himself gave her the stink eye and said, cold as ice, “Shut your f**king mouth bitch, or I’ll slap the shit out of you!”

Bigfoot responded, “Oh, really? Howzabout I hang my size 12 in your café au lait-colored ass?”

Fortunately, at that moment Chris Matthews came on the television, which immediately calmed Himself down. He loves to watch Chris Matthews, he does.

Speaking of television, who is “Glenn Beck?” All I know is one day Himself wandered down to the kitchen for some arugula and pine nuts (I followed, hoping for a biscuit or something) and one of the cooks had this guy Glenn Beck on the television. Himself went totally batshit crazy. “What’s that mother**ker doing on this television? I ought to shove this arugula up your ass!” He smashed the TV with a frying pan and stomped (lots of stomping around here) out of the kitchen without his arugula, and I didn’t get a biscuit either. I guess there’s something about that Beck guy Himself really doesn’t like. Oh, I heard someone say that the cook now works at a nearby McDonalds.

Then there is the guy they call “Rahm.” I believe he scares the shit out of everyone, including Bigfoot and Himself. Nobody hollers at Rahm, but Rahm seems to be hollering at somebody all the time. You know how they say that dogs can sense when someone is a bad guy? Well, I’m here to tell you it’s true, and I’m also here to tell you that this guy Rahm is one really bad apple – a real shithook. I can’t stand his sorry ass.

In fact, the first time I saw him, I did everything I could to take an industrial-size piece out of his leg. I admit it; I did my best growling, barking and lunging for the sonofabitch but the Secret Service guy holding the leash pulled me away. Rahm, the pussy, whined, “Get that motherf**king dog away from me, or I’ll have the motherf**ker killed!” Bitch.

Anyway, after Rahm left and I was alone with the Secret Service guys, they all laughed, patted me on the head and gave me a shitload of bacon. Cool guys, those Secret Service Guys. I think they have even a tougher gig than I do.

Well, that’s about all for now. I’m off to take a nap while it’s still quiet around this nuthouse.

NEVER FORGET. NEVER FORGIVE.