Lately, I seem to be hearing people talk about things about which I know nothing. I’m not talking about listening to peeps like our friend Carl talk about physics and math and my being clueless about the subject matter. No, I’m talking about things that lots of people seem to know about, but about which I know zip.

Here are a few that come to mind:

”Housewives of California/New Jersey/God Knows Where Else”
I gather from the conversations I’ve listened to that these are TV programs that track the lives of women who are thought to be typical (?) of housewives of the particular state identified in the program title. WTF? If they’re “typical,” what’s the point? If they’re not typical, what’s the point? From what I hear, all the women are assholes. What’s the point?

i-Phones
There is much talk of them, and I’ve seen people staring into them for long periods of time. I don’t know anything about i-Phones, other than that they appear to be much larger than most cell phones and that they have a touch pad that requires finger sliding. I prefer to remain ignorant, lest I get sucked in. Confession: I felt that way about i-Pods, but now I own one.

Vampires on Television
I gather these shows depict people in the 21st Century dealing with blood-sucking vampires, sometimes by slaying them and other times interacting with them, much as would any other person. Dracula emerging from a coffin at night in Transylvania , saying creepy things with a Hungarian accent, wearing a cape and scaring the shit out of everyone is one thing, but vampires wearing Dockers seems nuts to me.

Television Shows About People With a Shitload of Kids
People are talking about one of the couples in one of these shows “separating.” I gather it’s a big deal. Oh, then there is the crazy lady with eight kids. What is so fascinating about watching screaming kids and frazzled parents or, in the case of the lady with eight kids, a farookin’ nutbar? Peeps sure like to talk about those peeps, though. Don’t know anything about it, and I like it that way.

Video Games Where One Creates a Virtual Life or Virtual People
Whoa! Some weird shit there. I know just enough about those things to know I don’t want to know any more about them.

There are doubtless more, but I’ve decided that this post is a D+ at best, but I don’t feel like writing anything else, so I shall lower the quality control bar and not delete it. Sorry.

Yep, more farookin’ rain. I figure my muse is waterlogged.

I read emails, zapped a bunch of spam, and now I don’t feel like doing much of anything with this computer.

Maybe later, maybe not.

My pal Denny (the only slightly younger half of the Elderly Brothers) posted this on his site just for me.

What a guy!

I got to thinking about how a routine call to the doctor’s office might go in the future. Here ‘tis:

RINNNNNNNNNG……

Operator: ObamaCare …. Please hold.

(15 minutes later)

Operator: ObamaCare, may I help you?

Patient: My God, I dialed the number for my doctor’s office, and I spent ten minutes responding to telephone prompts to finally speak with a real person, then I was put on hold….

Operator: We’re very busy, sir. How can I help you?

Patient: My name is John Stevens. I’m a patient of Dr. Jones, and I’d like to speak with Dr. Jones when he has a moment.

Operator: That won’t be possible, sir.

Patient: OK, I would like to stop by today if possible. I have a very painful earache. The pain is horrible, and it’s even making me nauseous.

Operator: That won’t be possible, sir.

Patient: OK, I’ll take a bunch of aspirin, but can I see the doctor tomorrow?

Operator: That won’t be possible, sir.

Patient: Who’s his covering doctor? I think I really need to see a doctor. This is getting worse every day.

Operator: Sir, we don’t have doctors here. This is an ObamaCare Call Center. All phone calls to physicians’ offices are automatically forwarded here now.

Patient: Jesus, I don’t understand all that; I really need to make an appointment to see a doctor . Can you make an appointment for me?

Operator: What is your Social Security Number, sir?

Patient: Is all this necessary? I’ve been Dr. Jones’ patient for fifteen years.

Operator: We can’t even discuss an appointment until I get your Social Security Number.

Patient: OK, It’s 111-22-1234. Now, will you please make the appointment. I’m in terrible pain here.

Operator: .(following lengthy pause) It’s not that simple, sir. I’ve checked, and you are not in our system. We will require detailed information about your medical history, family’s medical history, your occupation and some information about your lifestyle.

Patient: Didn’t you hear me? I said I’ve been a patient of Dr. Jones for fifteen years. He has my records – fifteen years’ worth!

Operator: It seems that Dr. Jones’ files were not in a form that could be readily imported into our databases. It’s a common problem and we have people working on getting that information into our system.

Patient: Christ! What do I do in the meantime?

Operator: You have to register in the system.

Patient: OK. Can I do that online? Can you register me now? My ear is throbbing!

Operator: No, sir. I cannot do that. You see, this is a Call Center. You will have to go to one of the area ObamaCare Registration Centers to register. I suggest you call first, so they can tell you what kind of documentation you will need to bring with you in order to be permitted to register. You may need an appointment.

Patient: You’re kidding me, right?

Operator: I’m very busy. Do you have any questions about the instructions I have just given you?

Patient: Yes I do. If I can manage to drive to gather up all the documents this Registration Center needs, and I can manage to drive there without passing out, and I don’t have to make an appointment to register, will they be able to make an appointment for me to see a doctor tomorrow?

Operator: No, sir. As I told you, that is a Registration Center. We make the appointments once you are registered. The Registration Center advises us when your registration is complete.

Patient: How long does that take?

Operator: They’re pretty backed up over there, so I’m guessing it will take about a week.

Patient: A WEEK?!? I can’t want a damned week! I’m in horrible pain. I’ll just go to the emergency room.

Operator: That won’t be possible, sir.

Patient: Why?

Operator: Under the new regulations, treatment of earaches by emergency room personnel is not permitted.

Patient: This is insane!

Operator: Sir, you have to take into account that medical services are now free.

Patient: Free-Schmee! I’ll pay a doctor to examine my ear. I’m worried that this may turn into something really serious.

Operator: That won’t be possible, sir. Physicians are prohibited from accepting payments outside the system.

Patient: Let me guess … the regulations?

Operator: That’s correct, sir.

Patient: Let me ask you as one human being to another. What the heck am I supposed to do? I’m actually worried about passing out while I’m on the phone.

Operator: Well, as a kid, when I would get an earache, my grandmother would some spices and who knows what else to some warm olive oil and put it in my ear. Worked every time.

Patient: OWWWWWW!!! This is positively killing me! I wish I could see your grandmother right about now!

Operator: I believe that is possible. She lives only three blocks from you. I can call her to tell her you’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Will that be OK?

Patient: Oh, that would be wonderful. Thank you so much.

Operator: There’s one more thing.

Patient: What’s that?

Operator: She gets $250 per treatment, payable in cash.

UPDATE: Doug Ross was thinking along the same lines. Good stuff.

I bought my first computer (somewhere in the early 90’s, I seem to recall) when Prodigy and Compuserve were cutting edge. I opted for Prodigy and later moved to AOL for features offered by AOL that were not available on Prodigy. I have purchased two computers since then and both of them came with AOL software already installed. In each case, I kept my AOL account, initially because many people knew my screen name and email address on AOL.

Over time, I found myself using AOL less and less, and was all set to cancel when I heard a news broadcast featuring that infamous telephone call between a subscriber and an AOL “customer service” person. The customer merely wanted his account canceled, but the AOL guy did everything possible to keep the subscriber from canceling the account, including being downright belligerent with the subscriber. I remember thinking, “Oy! I’ll wait on canceling the account. Surely AOL will make it easier after this PR disaster.”

Life 101 resulted in my putting off canceling. Indeed, I never used AOL or gave it much thought, except once per month when AOL left its footprint on my credit card statement. On those occasions, I’d kick myself in the ass and promise myself that I would figure out how to cancel the account. Finally, after many, many months and many, many wasted dollars, I finally decided to do whatever I had to do to cancel the account.

I logged in to AOL, and spent about 45 minutes looking for instructions for canceling an account. I used all sorts of key words and came up dry. Obviously, AOL wants to make it difficult for customers to cancel. That gave me case of the ass.

I went to Google and entered “How do I cancel my AOL account.” After reading more than a few horror stories, I came upon this site, which explained how to do it, either by phone or by letter. I opted for a letter (certified). I provided all the information the website advised was necessary for AOL to cancel the account and ended the letter by stating, “If you require any additional information to cancel the account, please call me at my home [number] or my office [number]. Do not call if the purpose of the call is to ask me why I am canceling or to try to convince me not to cancel.”

EUREKA! A day or so later, I entered my password and got a message stating essentially that there is no such account. I take that to mean that the account was canceled, AOL’s non-existent online instructions notwithstanding.

Sooooo, I figured, now that the account has been canceled, I should uninstall the software, which, by virtue of my most recent visit to AOL (to try to figure out how to cancel), was now sending pop up messages reminding me to install a “critical” update to AOL. The pop ups were occurring every few minutes and disrupting whatever I was doing online. Now I really wanted AOL the hell off my computer, and now I was harboring a serious case of the ass.

I followed Microsoft’s instructions to find the place where one uninstalls programs, and, sure enough, there was a button thing there called “AOL Uninstaller.” Sweet!

I clicked on it and it opened a window advising me that the computer was searching for older versions of AOL. I thought, “Excellent! It wants to delete older versions, which I may well have on my hard drive. This is going to be a snap!”

Not excellent, not a snap. The spinny-widget (indicating that the computer was looking for older versions of the AOL software) just kept spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning. It finally hung up the computer. WTF? I tried again. Same shit. Now, I had a nuclear case of the ass. Was I doomed to live with this goddamned pop up as long as I own this computer?

Back to Google: Enter “uninstall AOL software.” Holy crap! Apparently, uninstalling AOL software is even more difficult that canceling an account. I gather that the software intertwines itself like a boa constrictor with non-AOL software, so that it’s easy to uninstall files one doesn’t want uninstalled. My hatred of AOL was increasing exponentially as was my nuclear case of the ass.

I found a load of horror stories in forums and advice from geeks who wrote things like, “Wipe the hard drive and reinstall the OS.” Yeah, right. Let me get right on that. Other advice contained about twenty-five steps and talked about “registries” and other shit about which I know nothing. In several of the steps, the advice began with “BE VERY CAREFUL not to do XYZ [and I didn’t even understand what the XYZ’s meant].” I figured that uninstalling AOL using that method would be sort of like defusing a live bomb.

I decided to treat AOL like a much like one treats a skunk, which is to just leave it alone. Unfortunately, that left me with the problem of that annoying farookin’ pop-up. Out of sheer frustration, and admitted cyber-defeat by AOL, I decided on a sorry ass course of action.

I installed the goddamned “critical” update to goddamned software I will goddamned well never, ever use.

Conclusion: AOL = SATAN.

Oh, one more thing. I’ve heard stories of AOL canceling accounts, but continuing to bill credit cards. If that happens, things are going to get real ugly, real fast.

P.S. I’ve located AOL’s online instructions for uninstalling AOL software. Maybe in a year or so I’ll work up the courage to give it a try.

I started to write something earlier this evening when a buddy of mine called and asked if I felt like doing a bit of guitar pickin’.

Hmmmmm. Writing a post v. pickin’.

Pickin’ won.

Later, Peeps.

Here is a special gift idea for the annoying literalist.

Thanks to my buddy Mike, who is not a literalist.

Much has been written recently about the Obama Administration’s “granting Miranda Rights” to enemy combatants captured in Afghanistan.

Show of hands: How many of you think that in Miranda v. Arizona the Supreme Court granted criminal suspects in custody the “right to remain silent” and the “right to an attorney?”

If you raised your hand, you’re wrong.

The Court in Miranda didn’t create those rights. Those rights have always belonged to Americans (and those on American soil) by virtue of the Fifth Amendment (right not to bear witness against oneself) and Sixth Amendment (right to an attorney) to the U.S. Constitution. Basically, the Court reasoned that, as a practical matter, having those rights doesn’t amount to much if you’re under arrest and you don’t know you have them, or are too frazzled at the moment to remember that you have them.

The point here is that the only “right” the Miranda Court created was the right to be reminded of constitutional rights the person always had. Thus, it seems to me that the Obama Administration in “granting Miranda Rights” to enemy combatants in Afghanistan is skipping a crucial step. Neither the Supreme Court nor Congress, to my knowledge, has granted enemy combatants rights under the Fifth and Sixth Amendments to the Constitution, and last time I checked, the Constitution does not confer upon the President the power to grant such rights by Presidential fiat.

As such, reading people their “Miranda Rights” presupposes that they have Fifth and Sixth Amendment rights, which enemy combatants do not have – at least not yet.

Today, the Usual Suspects will be heading to the New Jersey Performing Arts Center to see “Rain — a Tribute to the Beatles”. After that, dinner at a local Northern Italian Bistro. I’m looking forward to both.

Promises to be a good day, the forecasted rain notwithstanding.

Update: Here’s a quick update with regard to yesterday’s performance by Rain. The show was, quite simply, fabulous. If you’re a Beatles fan and this show comes to a venue near you, go see it. It is a multi-media show with five distinct pieces, including costume and set changes.

But, it’s the music that is positively stunning. The songs are all faithful to the originals, and all the music is performed live. What is most impressive is that most of the songs performed by Rain were never performed live by the Beatles themselves (the group’s last live performance was in 1966).

I’d go see it again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah … YEAH!

This positively stunning video of Congressman Alan Grayson politely and patiently questioning Elizabeth Coleman, the Inspector General of the Federal Reserve Board, about who received the trillions of dollars the Federal Reserve has lent or spent since September and whether she has any idea about what the deal is with the Fed’s 9 trillion dollars worth of off-balance-sheet transactions. Her responses (or lack thereof) are positively frightening.

This video has been circulating on the web for a bit, but even if you have seen it, you might want to watch it again, only this time keep your eye on the woman off Inspector General Coleman’s left shoulder. Obviously, Ms. Coleman’s assistant, she apparently realizes that her boss is in deep doo doo, and watching the disaster, she appears to be experiencing the beginning of a case of the hot squirts. She whispers in her boss’s ear to try to help her, and one at one point reaches for her Blackberry, presumably to get help from the office. Finally, you can see her ripping off a piece of paper from her pad to slip her boss a note.

I imagine the note said something like, “You’re being slaughtered! Christ! Do something! Pretend you’re having an epileptic fit!”