Do You Hate Your High School Yearbook Picture?
I meant it. Do you really hate your high school yearbook picture? Every now and then (mostly then) when you drag it out of the basement, do you recoil in horror upon seeing yourself as others saw you those many years ago? Well if you’re fortunate enough to be a high school student in the Garden State, take heart. Help is on the way.

Our lawmakers in Trenton are toiling over legislation that would permit children to provide their own pictures for inclusion in the yearbooks of the state’s high schools. They can drag out one of their “faves” from mom’s cigar box full of photos, or, if they have a few bucks, they can hire a photographer to take their pictures for the yearbook. (I hope someone told Annie Liebowitz about this looming big-biz opportunity in Jersey.)

“A bill authored by Assemblyman Louis Greenwald (D-Camden) and picked up by state Sens. Anthony Bucco (R-Morris) and Walter Kavanaugh (R-Somerset) would let high school students take their own pictures or hire their own photographers, as long as the submissions meet their high schools’ yearbook requirements and deadlines.”

Remember the names of these bi-partisan, seriously progressive legislative swashbucklers, because they clearly have the guts to tackle the big issues and let the chips fall where they may. They have bravely chosen not to waste their valuable time on unimportant things in the state like out-of-control taxation, ineffective schools in some areas, car theft rivaled by no other state, roads that the Department of Transportation has rated as lousy, a Division of Youth and Family Services that manages, with frightening regularity, not to prevent the neglect and abuse of children, and some cities, portions of which look like post WWII Dresden and offer the comfort and security of downtown Baghdad.

Geniuses. I tip my mortarboard to them.

It has been reported that Joey Buttafuoco, the Long Island charmer who convinced his then-seventeen year old girlfriend, to shoot his wife in the head, and O.J. Simpson, the well known sensitive guy and tireless searcher for the real killer(s) of his wife and Ronald Goldman, will met each other in a boxing match. (Thanks to Not Quite Tea and Crumpets for the link).

Sensing an opportunity to cash in on this latest twist in reality programming, other celebrities are planning to engage in public pugilistic encounters. Parkway Rest Stop, the “Sports Insider,” has learned of some of the more notable matches that will take place in the near future. As a public service, I will list them here, and as a bonus, I will provide the guaranteed outcome of each match. Here we go:

The Match
Monica “Kid” Lewinsky vs. Hillary “Chainsaw” Clinton

The Result
Hillary wins, but only after calling in three ghostboxers to beat the hapless and out-of-shape Lewinsky to a pulp.

The Match
George “Cowpoke” Bush vs. Al “Totem” Gore

The Result
Bush wins in a decision, but only after protracted litigation, arising from Gore’s claim that the errant punches he threw should have been counted as “intended hits.” Gore’s handlers are still fuming over the result, insisting that Gore lost because the judge who ruled in Bush’s favor has a second cousin who once voted republican.

The Match
John “57” Kerry vs. Howard “The Burlington Yawn” Dean

The Result
No one wins. The match was called off because nobody gave a shit.

The Match
David “Shingles” Letterman vs. Jay “The Chin” Leno

The Result
Leno wins by disqualification when Letterman could not answer the bell after breaking his hand on Leno’s chin.

The Match
Alan “Hawkeye” Alda vs. Mike “B.J.” Farrell

The Result
After twelve rounds, the match is called a draw when neither contestant would strike the other, both proclaiming that fighting is never the answer.

The Match
Sammy “Corky” Sosa vs. Mark “Maris Shmaris” McGwire

The Result
Sosa knocks McGwire out in the second round, but the bout is ultimately awarded to McGwire when it was discovered that Sosa had secreted lead weights in his gloves.