Well, that may not be news to you, but check this out.

OK, so I dragged my sorry ass out of bed this morning, put on my raggedy walking duds and headed out the door for my walk. It was brisk and very windy – a nice day to be out strutting around. As usual, during the walk I thought about all sorts of things, including the rest of the work week and how I would prioritize the things in the seemingly ever-present pile of stuff to do.

After about an hour of walking, I turned the corner into my neighborhood. I noticed the people in the house on the corner had put their recyclables by the curb. I thought, “Recyclables? Today? Ha! These people must be new to the neighborhood.” Feeling a bit smug about my recyclable knowledge, I strode on, only to see that a half dozen other people had their recyclables out by the curb, and a few more were putting them out at that moment.

I thought, “Why the hell is everyone putting their stuff out so early? Surely they must know that if you put stuff out before 5PM on the evening before pickup, the garbage police will do really bad things to you. They all can’t be new to the neighborhood. I’m sure I would have noticed. And yet, here it is 8 AM, and these knuckleheads are putting recyclables out on Thursday morning, when they know damned well that recyclables get picked up on Friday.”

“Friday?”

WHAMMO!!!

I had one of those Twilight Zone, loss-of-sense-of time-and-place moments. I stopped walking. “Could TODAY be Friday? Nah. No way. Can’t be. Yesterday was Wednesday, and that makes today Thursday. Did I miss an announcement in the paper about a change in the recyclable pick-up day? …….. Oh shit. Could TODAY really be Friday?”

I looked at the little calendar on my watch. It clearly displayed the number “14.” Knowing that 11th (Veterans Day) was Tuesday, I did the arithmetic. In fact, I did it three times, even counting fingers, and confirmed that today is, in fact Friday.

I somehow lost a day this week. It felt momentarily great knowing that I only had to work one more day. However, my euphoria soon passed, and it was replaced by the realization that losing a day is something that I had always thought happened only to drunks and old farts.

YIKES!!!!!!!

Makeup and a good photographer can make miracles.

Check out this famous singer, with makeup.

Here she is without makeup.

Holy shit!!

Want more proof?

Here’s a picture of me, without makeup.

Here’s a picture of me, with makeup.

I’m available for weddings, banquets, and rowdy parties. Whiskey and songs a specialty.

Hat tip to Res Ipsa Loquitur

As some of you may recall, I previously wrote (May 8, 2003) about Joan Byron- Marasek, also known as the “Tiger Lady,” and her court battle to permit her to continue to keep 24 Bengal tigers on her twelve acres of property in Ocean County, New Jersey. As I noted then, she had come to the attention of the state when a 431 pound tiger was found to be wandering around a residential neighborhood near her home (She denied that the tiger belonged to her). At that time, a state court ordered that the big cats were to be taken away from the Tiger Lady and sent to an animal sanctuary in Texas.

Finally, yesterday, fully six months later, after a federal judge denied the Tiger Lady’s last-ditch effort to stay to stat court’s order to remove the animals, New Jersey animal welfare officials, including biologists and veterinarians, showed up to remove the tigers.

Martin McHugh, director of the state Fish and Wildlife Division, was highly critical of conditions at the facility. The tigers were wallowing knee-deep in a mix of water, mud and feces covering the floor of their compound and some appeared malnourished, he said.

The animals were loaded onto a special truck for transport to the Wild Animal Orphanage in San Antonio, Texas.

However, It may well be that the Tiger Lady has something up her sleeve, because a state inspection of her property this summer revealed that two of the tigers had given birth, and the cubs were not located yesterday. This led Carol Asvestas, executive director of the Wild Animal Orphanage, to speculate that the Tiger Lady may have hidden them. “”We don’t know where the cubs are, and it worries me,” she said. “I’m afraid that in five years we’ll be back here or wherever she goes.”

Well, this year in New Jersey we gassed a couple thousand geese, got rid of a couple dozen tigers, and next month we will unleash several thousand hunters to reduce the black bear population in the state. Who would have ever thought of New Jersey, the most densely populated of the fifty states, to be a regular Wild Farookin’ Kingdom?

Jersey…..Ya gotta love it.

The outcome on this one didn’t surprise me very much.

Congratulations!! You’re a smart sophisticated and
beautiful martini!!

What Drink Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Link via Bad Money

Art Carney died yesterday at 85 years old. Although he never took an acting lesson, in my book, he was a genius. Despite a long, illustrious acting career, which included an Oscar for the film “Harry and Tonto,” he was best known for playing Ed Norton, Ralph and Alice’s upstairs neighbor in The Honeymooners.

He and Jackie Gleason made comedic magic, and I always shall have wonderful memories of to joy that their performances brought to my dad and me when we both needed a laugh.

“Helloooooooo ball!!”

I still laugh out loud just thinking about it.

May he rest in peace.

Tomorrow is Veterans Day. Unlike Memorial Day, which is dedicated to those who lost their lives in the service of our country, Veterans Day is the day set aside to honor all veterans, living or dead.

I’m a veteran and, even though while in service, I did my fair share of bitching about being in the military, today I realize that I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to serve, and I am a better person because of it. By cutting off your hair, putting you in a uniform, and treating you as just one of many who has to make do under difficult and aggravating circumstances, the military teaches you in short order that the world does not revolve around you. The Army also provided me with the grit to tolerate and overcome things that were difficult and which I hated at the time. These are lessons that have served me well in civilian life.

In addition, there is something about having served in the military that creates an instant kinship with others who have served. It transcends race, creed, educational level and socioeconomic class, and it lasts a lifetime. Overwhelmingly, my friends today are men who served in the military during the Vietnam War. Today, some are firemen and police officers, truck drivers and mechanics, while others work at various jobs in industry or for the government. None of that matters, for we all share something more basic, and that is that, at one point in our lives, we all were soldiers, sailors, marines or airmen, and that cuts us from the herd. And, to a man, we’re proud of what we did and have great affection and respect for one another. Quite simply, we’re friends in the truest sense of the word.

So on this Veterans Day, I salute them and all of the other men and women who have worn the uniform in service of the country.

I’m not sure which is worse.

This weekend, I went to Costco to pick up some things for the bar at the American Legion. Here are some impressions:

1. English? Does anyone speak it any more?

2. Family gatherings? What is with the people who make a trip to Costco an outing for the extended family? In some cases a half dozen people (with one cart) meander down the aisle, effectively blocking the way for anyone else. They often stop, of course in the center of the aisle, to hold some sort of family meeting. It is difficult to pass, as I don’t know how to say, “excuse me” in Hottentot or whatever language all the aunties and uncles were speaking. I assume that only one family member pays for a membership card, which accounts for these people shopping in packs.

3. Free-Range Children. Children are often left unattended to run up and down the aisles to do whatever tickles their fancy. Feel like bouncing a ball up and down the aisles? No problem. Help yourself to a new basketball from its box and have at it. These feral children are a special treat at the electronic keyboard display.

4. Free Food! Some people spend the morning going from free-sample station to free-sample station bulking up on whatever Costco is trying to get rid of. Don’t worry about what to do with that little paper rice pudding cup and plastic spoon if you’ve finished the pudding on the way to the next free sample station. Just leave your trash on one of the shelves. No one will notice.

6. Garment Plundering. Sure lady, pick up a sweatshirt, unfold it, hold it up to your blimp-like body with boobs like ‘55 Buick bumperettes, and when it doesn’t appear to fit (surprise, surprise), don’t bother re-folding it. Just toss it on a pile and unfold another. Repeat this process until you satisfy yourself that Costco does not stock circus tent sized sweatshirts.

7. Book Plundering. This lady must have studied under the sweatshirt lady. Pick up a book from one of the stacks, take a quick look, and if you don’t like it (maybe it didn’t contain enough pictures), don’t replace it. Just toss it.

8. Parking Lot Blockades. During your family outing to Costco (see above), be sure to spread out in the parking lot when strolling to and from the store at a snail’s pace, thereby ensuring that cars cannot pass your pack, herd, pride, pod, or whatever the hell you call it. It’s a great way to enjoy the outdoors. We’ll all just wait until you get to your destination.

Assholes.

I had a swell time.

Sgt. Hook has posted a priceless exchange of correspondence with a Spammer, one of the scores of Nigerians (unless they are all the same guy) who needs someone in the U.S. to help hm claim a truckload or two of money.

Nice going, Sarge.

Are you lonely? Are you interested in corresponding with people and making new friends? Are you interested in possibly establishing a relationship? Maybe even a long-term relationship? Are you patient?

If you’ve answered “yes” to these questions, then Jail Babe may be for you. The site contains pictures and bios of women currently in prison, who are interested in corresponding with you. Many are open to having a long term relationship, and possibly even marriage, after their release.

Consider, for example, Vikki. Her turn-ons are “kissing cuddling and candles.” Her turn-offs are “lying, cheating and abusive.” If you are interested in corresponding with Vikki, I suggest that you pay close attention to her turn-offs, as Vikki is presently incarcerated for first-degree murder. You’ll have more than ample time to develop a relationship before Vikki’s scheduled release date in 2010.

via The Ultimate Insult

I confess. I have never used an ATM, even though it seems as if everyone I know can’t seem to get along without them. During the recent power outage in the Northeast, one of the big problems was that people were walking around without money, because the ATMs were not functioning. Often, people show up late for events, explaining their lack of punctuality on having to stop at an ATM to get money.

If I were to decide tomorrow that I want to join the ATM crowd, someone would have to show me how to operate the damned things. The fact is, however, that I have no desire to have anything to do with them. That is because things that seem to always work properly for other people never seem to work for me.

I can see myself pressing the buttons to get $100 out of the machine, and getting nothing but a receipt saying, in essence, “Here is your $100.” “What hundred dollars? All I got was a slip of paper telling me that I got a hundred dollars.” What then? Argue with the machine? I’d look like a nut. Call the manager? There is no manager. Smack the shit out of the machine? That would get me arrested. In the end, it would be my word against the machine’s.

Here is a picture of what can happen to a person who must have been on her way to a bathroom but stopped at an ATM to get money, only to have the ATM not work or take too long to deliver the money. Sorry ass.

No thanks. I would rather get a couple weeks’ worth of cash from the bank, stick it in a drawer and take it as I need it. It’s much simpler. In addition, I’ll be on time for appointments, I’ll be able to get money if the power fails, and I wont have to make any stops on the way to a bathroom.

Thanks to Brian, the Air Force Vet, for the photo.