1. I’d like to wear a cowboy hat.
But, I won’t because:
(a) there aren’t any cows around here;
(b) one doesn’t wear cowboy hats around here;
(c) as my Uncle Bill used to say, “If you wear a hat like that around here, ya gotta know how to fight,” and at this stage in my life, I can’t see myself losing a couple teeth over headgear. and
(d) every time I ever tried on a cowboy hat, I looked like a Jewish dentist named “Mel” pretending to be a cowboy, which is nuts, because I am neither Jewish nor a dentist.

2. I’d like to wear cowboy boots.
But, I won’t because:
(a) there aren’t any cows around here;
(b) one does not wear cowboy boots around here;
(c) I assume that the Uncle Bill’s “Hat Rule” applies to cowboy boots, and at this stage in my life, I can’t see myself losing a couple teeth over footwear, and
(d) my five-inch wide feet, which look like those of the offspring of Fred Flintstone and Daisy Duck, just don’t fit well into cowboy boots.

3. I’d like to ride a horse.
But, I won’t because:
(a) there aren’t any horses around here;
(b) therefore, one does not ride horses around here (at least, in this part of the state);
(c) those animals are way bigger than they look on television, and they kick and bite too, and
(d) I don’t think it’s fair to disaccommodate a horse by making it carry my ass around for the fun of it.

Damn.