It is like a steam bath outside. No matter, as I will be with the Usual Suspects on the shaded deck, quaffing sipping vodka and seltzer with lemon. When it gets too hot, it’s into the pool. There is, of course, a specially constructed place for drinks and smokes so they can both be enjoyed while “swimming.”

Appetizers (also often enjoyed while “swimming”) will be grilled kielbasa (primo stuff made at a local pork store) and potato pancakes. After that, I understand that there will be hot dogs and chicken with a clutch of salads, topped off with dessert. And, of course, more vodka, non-stop music, and lots of laughs.

Later.

I don’t know which is worse – this annoying bastard, or the thought that the government might actually piss away money as he claims it does.

Tonight, John Kerry is the Headliner. I heard on the radio that his speech will last approximately fifty minutes. I figure that means that he can spend twenty-five minutes taking one position on the issues and then spend the other twenty-five minutes taking the opposite position. Hell, it’s worked so far.

He will be preceded by quite a cast of characters, including Madeline Albright, Joe Biden, Wesley Clark, Nancy Pelosi, and Joe Lieberman (I’m surprised he’s being allowed on the podium).

My goal is to hear what the Big Kahuna has to say for himself and to try not to become catatonic in the process.

I am glad this is the last night. I am worried about my health.

Update: Here’s what I saw:

Wesley Clark: My favorite line was, “Repetition does not turn a lie into the truth.” True enough, Wes, but if the Democrats really believed that, they would not have bothered with the four-day bullshitfest convention.

Joe Lieberman: I felt sorry for the guy. He was only slightly more popular to the moonbats on the convention floor than would be, say, Dick Cheney. Memo to Joe: It’s time to abandon the Dark Side.

Nancy Pelosi: Her speech had built in “applause” pauses, but the applause often was often not forthcoming during the pauses. I think that’s because the people in the hall couldn’t see that she had her fingers crossed while she was saying things like how much she respects and admires the men and women in uniform. I have always thought of her as simply being strident and obnoxious, but until tonight, after having seen her interviewed, I had not realized that she is also about as dumb as a bag of hammers.

Madeline Albright: She was the knockout punch tonight. Shortly after she accused the administration of “twisting the intelligence” in order to go to war, I lost consciousness, causing me to have to watch the John Kerry speech in re-run on C-Span.

John Kerry: Holy crap! He served in Vietnam!! Did you know that? No kidding. He really did. I saw the pictures.

The line that almost knocked me out of Mr. Recliner was, “Saying there are weapons of mass destruction in Iraq does not make it so” – this coming from a guy who said exactly that at least a dozen times. Let’s go to the audiotape, John.

He also said, “I ask you to judge me by my record.”

Thanks for the advice, John. I think I’ll do just that.

Mercifully, it’s over.

Thanks to Jacki for the laugh.

Dennis Kucinich spoke before I tuned in. I was disappointed, but there is always Star Trek.

The “Right Reverend” Al: I did catch his fire and brimstone batch of bullshit, and I watched the looneys suck it up. Most clear-thinking people are on to this guy, including Michelle Malkin, who provides a quick rundown of the “Reverend’s” accomplishments.

Bob Graham: The Senator from Florida must have studied at the Tom Daschle School of Sleep Induction. Two hundred words in, and I was out like a light.

John Edwards: After I awoke from my Bob Graham-induced coma, I started to watch a re-run of John Edwards’ speech, but I couldn’t take more than a couple minutes of it. He has the well-oiled patter of a used car salesman.

This is not easy duty, folks. I am, however, gratified to see in my comments (and here) that Teresa (No, not THAT Teresa) appreciates my taking one for the team.

This cracked me up.

I feel like a bit of a turncoat, but I think that the women have the better argument here.

Thanks to Sgt. Hook, the Great American, for the link.

Last night, I tried mightily to get through it all. I heard Ted Kennedy, Dick Gephardt and Howard Dean, which left me in a weakened state. Tom Daschle scored the knockout punch, sending me into the arms of Morpheus. When I awoke several hours later in the middle of the night, I caught Teresa Heinz Kerry’s appearance on a C-Span re-run. My impressions:

Ted Kennedy: Describing the Americans at Lexington and Concord, he said, “… and, the embattled farmers fired shirt round the world.” I’m thinking it must have been bad ice.

Dick Gephardt: Hey, did anyone know that his dad drove a milk delivery truck? Oh…. Never mind.

Howard Dean: Each time I see him, he looks more like Jack Torrance (“Heeeerrrrrr’s Johnny!!”) from The Shining.

Tom Daschle: It took him fewer than 100 words to render me unconscious. The guy is good.

Teresa Heinz Kerry: Zsa Zsa Helmsley, the Lady in Red, appears to have stuck to her script, which was, I am certain, vetted by several staffers, all of whom likely had the hot squirts worrying about whether she would start ad-libbing. I wonder if there was a Campaign Contingency Plan in place that would have been initiated had she gone off script? Tranquilizing dart, maybe?

Hillary: She wasn’t a speaker (thank Christ), but the camera panned up to her while Mrs. Heinz Kerry was speaking. It looked to me like Hillary could gleefully push Mrs. Heinz Kerry in front of a bus.

Tonight, even though I am pretty well beaten up, I will try to watch the show. John Edwards is the featured attraction, but the traffic accident gawking part of me wants to see Dennis Kucinich, and the stick-pins-in-my-eyes and flail-myself-with-chains part of me wants to catch the “Right Reverend” Al Sharpton’s act.

Wish me luck.

“You know, no one delivers a good ‘America really sucks these days’ speech like Jimmy Carter.”

Spoons said it, but I wish I had.

I figure that I must a GFP (Glutton for Punishment), because tonight I will again watch the Democrat Convention, which features Teresa Heinz Kerry, Tom Daschle, and Ted Kennedy. I fully understand that by doing this I am risking a cerebrovascular accident, a smashed television, or a head full of dead hair, but I cannot help myself. It’s like gawking at a traffic accident or picking at a scab.

I don’t expect to be writing much, if anything all all, tonight. Rather, I will be trying to survive watching the first night of the Democrat Convention. I have taken prophylactic analgesics for the aching hair that will most certainly result from the experience.

I just listened to Algore, and I have upped my dosage.

Update: Well, I made it.. My impressions:

Algore – I can see him in five years sitting shitfaced on the floor of a bus terminal, wearing a snot-crusted flannel shirt and mumbling something about “votes.”

Jiimah Carter: Would be a wonderful Wal-Mart greeter.

Hillary and Bill – Words fail me. I mean it.

My roots need medical attention.