Last night, I tried mightily to get through it all. I heard Ted Kennedy, Dick Gephardt and Howard Dean, which left me in a weakened state. Tom Daschle scored the knockout punch, sending me into the arms of Morpheus. When I awoke several hours later in the middle of the night, I caught Teresa Heinz Kerry’s appearance on a C-Span re-run. My impressions:

Ted Kennedy: Describing the Americans at Lexington and Concord, he said, “… and, the embattled farmers fired shirt round the world.” I’m thinking it must have been bad ice.

Dick Gephardt: Hey, did anyone know that his dad drove a milk delivery truck? Oh…. Never mind.

Howard Dean: Each time I see him, he looks more like Jack Torrance (“Heeeerrrrrr’s Johnny!!”) from The Shining.

Tom Daschle: It took him fewer than 100 words to render me unconscious. The guy is good.

Teresa Heinz Kerry: Zsa Zsa Helmsley, the Lady in Red, appears to have stuck to her script, which was, I am certain, vetted by several staffers, all of whom likely had the hot squirts worrying about whether she would start ad-libbing. I wonder if there was a Campaign Contingency Plan in place that would have been initiated had she gone off script? Tranquilizing dart, maybe?

Hillary: She wasn’t a speaker (thank Christ), but the camera panned up to her while Mrs. Heinz Kerry was speaking. It looked to me like Hillary could gleefully push Mrs. Heinz Kerry in front of a bus.

Tonight, even though I am pretty well beaten up, I will try to watch the show. John Edwards is the featured attraction, but the traffic accident gawking part of me wants to see Dennis Kucinich, and the stick-pins-in-my-eyes and flail-myself-with-chains part of me wants to catch the “Right Reverend” Al Sharpton’s act.

Wish me luck.