Memo to New York Drivers
Yo! Move over, gottdammit! In this state, we actually have a law that requires that you stay to the right, except when passing. Unlike some laws, this one is grounded in common sense. It’s simple. If you Empire Staters are driving on a multilane road and you notice that people are passing you on the right (and quite possibly are glaring at you, or worse), MOVE OVER TO THE RIGHT. The Garden State Parkway is NOT 42nd Street.

Memo to Pennsylvania Drivers
In this state, when you wish to turn left at an intersection, you proceed to the center of the intersection to wait for a break in the oncoming traffic. I have seen that in your state you sit at the damned traffic light waiting to turn left, and I have heard that you refer to moving to the center of the intersection to wait as “pulling a Jersey.” Very clever, however when you are in this state, learn to do it the right way.

Oh, and, while you’re at it, pull this!

Memo to Ohio Drivers
WTF???? I find myself wondering whether you folks drink the ritual saki before you embark on your “carmikaze” missions. Listen to me. Entering a highway demands that you pay at least a little bit of attention to the traffic that is already driving on the farookin’ road. I’m not talking here about the niceties of who has the right-of-way under state law. No, I’m talking about your apparent desire to self-destruct on our highways and take a few Garden Staters with you.

For a time, I thought that there was something about New Jersey that caused Ohio drivers to be a complete menace on our roads. But then, I had occasion to drive in Ohio. Holy shit! It’s a statewide demolition derby.

We in the Garden State should petition our legislators require that Ohio drivers display a brightly colored flag or similar identification widget on their vehicles so that we can give them wide berth.

Really. If you need to come to Jersey, please consider a bus.

Happy motoring.