I was making one of my regular visits to Two Nervous Dogs and saw that Dogette, as part of a pet store adventure, bought some something called Cat-B-Gone, which is granular stuff that you pour in places where you don’t want kitties making kitty doo.

That got me to thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a product called Asshole-B-Gone. I would like it to be in liquid form that could be packaged in a pocket sized spray can. Wouldn’t it be great if, when you’ve had just about enough of a particular Asshole, you could spritz him and instantly banish his sorry ass to someplace like the Phantom Zone? Once spritzed, they would get all meta-flaky, just like people did on Star Trek just before they were teleported off the spaceship.

Say you’re sitting in a doctor’s waiting room and the guy across the room insists on treating everyone to his half of a long, loud cell phone conversation. You could pop your spritzer out of your pocket and give the Asshole a squirt. “Adios, Asshole!”

Or, how about the guy in the seat in front of you in economy class on a packed plane who decides that he absolutely must have his seatback in your face for six farookin’ hours? Wouldn’t you love to pull out your little spray can of Asshole-B-Gone, reach over the top of the seat and SPRITZ!! “Buh-bye, Dipshit.”

Ahhh, then there’s the person in front of you at the checkout counter who stands there for five minutes while the checkout person scans in all the purchases and renders a total on the register, and ONLY THEN does the Asshole reach for his/her wallet/purse and begins rummaging around for money or a credit card . “Yo! Did it come as a complete surprise to you that at the end of this process you would have to pay for your purchases?” SPRITZ!! “See ya, Asshole. No charge.”

I hope Santa reads this post and leaves a year’s supply of Asshole-B-Gone under my Christmas tree.