I’ve ordered a new, 2006 big, fat, black, capitalist car to replace my 2003 big, fat, black, capitalist car. With any luck, I should have it next week. Like my current big, fat, black, capitalist car, this big, fat, black, capitalist car has all the bells and whistles, except for the electric asswipes I was so hoping to get (the dealer said that the manufacturer does not offer that option).

I’m looking forward to the rush that comes with getting new wheels. Even though the new big, fat, black, capitalist car looks quite similar to my current big, fat, black, capitalist car, it will doubtless contain some new gadgets and will smell brandy-new. Nice.

One undeniable upside to having a big, fat, black, capitalist car is that if I find myself unable to pay for it, I can always strap on a black suit and drive people to and from Newark Airport. For an extra couple bucks, I could bring the axe and play a few tunes when we get stuck in the ever-present traffic.