A heaping dose of Life 101 will keep me away from the compute for the better part of tonight. See y’all later or tomorrow.

Back in December, I posted an open letter to the owner of a local establishment, who operates his place of business only during the warmer months. In the letter, I complained about the owner’s failure to remove snow and ice from the sidewalk following a snowstorm, thereby forcing residents (and his warm-weather customers) to choose between walking on the ice-covered sidewalk and risking broken bones, or walking in the street and risk being clobbered by a car or truck.

Wanting to give credit where credit is due, after the recent blizzard, the snow and ice were properly removed. To the owner: I along with the other residents of this town who use the sidewalks thank you. And, it just may be that a reader had something to do with making this happen. If that is the case, we thank you as well.

That is all.

The Big, Fat, Black Capitalist Car has a trunk that remotely opens and remotely closes. It’s true. Two key fob clicks – trunk opens. Two more key-fob clicks – trunk closes. I’ve had cars before with a remotely open-able trunk, but the remote-close thing is new to me. When I first saw the feature I thought, ”Nice, but pretty silly. How hard is it to close the trunk?”

Well, I was out this morning in the Big, Fat, Black Capitalist Car running errands, and I’ll bet I used the remote-close thing five times, which got me to thinking about Gadget Creep.

My first car and several cars after that came with hand-crank windows, an AM radio with no buttons (the mechanical buttons were on the more expensive radios), and no air conditioning. If you wanted to move the seat forward or backward, you reached under the seat found a lever thing, and pulled on it. Then you moved the seat by pushing or pulling with your legs. If you wanted to sit higher, you used a pillow. To open the door or the trunk you needed a key, and you actually had to stick the key in the keyhole and turn it.

Sure, some cars back then came with those newfangled power windows, air conditioners, and I remember thinking, ”How goddamned dumb is that. How hard is it to roll down the windows? And, if it’s hot out, that’s exactly what you do – you open the windows.”

Then I got a car with an air conditioner in it and later got one that had power windows and a radio with buttons. In each case, I wondered how I ever got along without those things. I am the prime example of a person who has succumbed to “Gadget Creep”.

Now, I remotely open the doors, and when I put the key in the ignition, the seat (heated when it’s cold), and mirrors (inside auto-dimming and outside – heated, of course) move to exactly to their pre-set positions. At night, the headlights come on automatically. The temperature inside is automatically set, so in the cold weather, the heater comes on and in the summer, the air conditioner fires up. I can hear stereo radio or any one of six CDs through multiple speakers at the push of a button, and I can change stations, or CD tracks and adjust the volume with the push of a button on the steering wheel. My windshield wipers “know” how hard it is raining, a compass tells me what direction I’m traveling in, and a beeper thing tells me when I’m getting close to something when backing up. A computer widget tells me my average gasoline consumption and how many miles I can drive without running out of gas. Don’t even ask me about the farookin’ automatic moon roof.

Have I been spoiled by all these gadgets?

No. The question is how did I ever get along without them?

It’s a good country.

Your Pimp Name Is…

Uncle Money

Just Damn! I was hoping for something really cool like “Dax Montana” .

Dogette of Two Nervous Dogs works tirelessly to treat her MEDALLION LEVEL PREMIUM USERS to quality content. Who can forget her risking neighborhood scorn and a visit by the men in white coats by taking twelve days’ worth of dogshit pictures for the Twelve Poops of Christmas?**

Her latest example of journalistic derring-do is a discussion of female dominance and sex toys, with photos. Well, … sort of.

** A noteworthy, albeit esoteric, form of Crapblogging, for shit sure.

We’ve all seen those, “Here is your brain on drugs” ads. Here is a look at what using meth (and quite probably other drugs as well) for five years can do to your face. Oy!

Via The Ultimate Insult

I started to write a piece about the Vice President’s hunting accident and the press frenzy that followed it. I had a link to the press conference of February 14, and I focused on several particularly stupid questions that were posed to Scott McClellan. I included a link to a nutcase reporter who managed to figure out a way to work Aaron Burr into his pointless story. Finally, I included a few links to truly disgusting quotes from the Unhinged Left.

Then I decided that the exercise was a waste of time. No matter what I write, or what anyone else writes, those on the Left (and just about all of the MSM) who hate Vice President Cheney will continue to hate him with a seething animus exceeded only by their loathing of President Bush. Nothing will change their minds.

I prefer to think of the incident as a sad case of a man who screwed up and, in the process, caused serious injury to a close friend who understands that his injuries are the result of an accident and who bears no ill will to his friend who caused them.

I think most regular people think of it that way.

Elisson, the Wizard of Wipe, has posted the final results of the voting to determine who should be the holder of the title “King of the Crapbloggers”. As you can see, Acidman won in a veritable landslide. And, to remove any doubt about his worthiness of the Title, he posted this, which I view as his taking a well-deserved victory crap lap.

Rob is the Undisputed Crap-daddy.

I’d like to thank the people who voted for me (most probably more than once) and announce that I will be holding a tea and cookies thank-you celebration in a phone booth at a location to be determined.

I was reading about how unmoved Bob the Corgi has been by the Winter Olympics. I sense, at least in my corner of the world, that people aren’t as interested in the Winter Games as they used to be.

I think what is needed to re-kindle viewer interest in the Winter Olympics are some new and exciting events. I have given the matter a bit of thought, and I would like to suggest a few events that might put a bit of zip back into the Winter Olympics.

1. Synchronized Polar Swimming. I suggested this at Bob the Corgi’s site. The event would be held in water that is only slightly above freezing and, as such, I envision it to be a much faster-paced event (albeit with shorter routines) than we have become accustomed to seeing in the Summer Games.

2. Ice Diving. The contestants (men and women) would dive from springboards and platforms, much like they do in the Summer Games. However, to add a bit of winter adventure to the event, the divers will have to dive into a hole that is two feet in diameter, and which has been cut through 12 inches of ice. We expect some dramatic “misses,” which will definitely be real crowd pleasers. Wearing of helmets is not permitted, as it is thought that it would interfere with the aesthetics of the competition.

3. Rocket Skiing. We all know that viewers love speed events. Unfortunately, it may well be that today’s downhill racers, even doing their best to resemble human bullets, are just not fast enough to hold the interest of today’s demanding, Fear Factor viewing audience. Therefore, the new event will permit each skier to wear a rocket engine on his or her back. The size of the engine is strictly up to the skier. Now, that will make for some serious speed (and some seriously spectacular crashes), which is seriously sweet.

4. Ice Wrestling. Just imagine the fun! This event would be exactly the same as it is in the Summer Games (including the contestants’ garb), except it would be held outdoors on the ice. Lot’s of slipping action on a concrete hard surface. Yowza! I suggest that bathing suit-clad women be permitted to participate as well. This promises to be a real ratings champion.

5. Human Cannonball Skiing. I’m certain that the audience has come to the conclusion that ski jumpers have peaked out in terms of height and distance. Therefore, imagine, if you will, a circus-like cannon that fires a skier at high velocity out of its barrel. The size of the powder charge would be left to the discretion of the skier as would the trajectory of the shot. What red-blooded American would not tune in to this event?

6. Sockey. In this event, two teams would take to the ice and would not even engage in the pretense of playing hockey. Rather, each team would simply try to punch the shit out of the other team. The winner would be the team with the last man (or woman) standing. This would most definitely be a prime time bonanza.

7. Snow Shoveling. The idea here is to introduce an event that “Joe and Jane Six Pack” can relate to. The event would simply require an individual contestant to shovel as much snow as possible within two hours’ time. The event also lends itself to team competition. While at first blush this might seem boring to watch, but it cannot be any more boring than watching cross-country skiing and, as previously noted, the average guy or gal can relate to superior performances.

8. Couric – Costas Curling. This would be curling in the traditional fashion, except instead of sliding curling stones on the ice, the teams would slide Katie Couric and Bob Costas. Who wouldn’t like to see that?

9. Snow Pissing. Taking its artistic lead from figure skating, this event is characterized by well-hydrated contestants creating figures by pissing in the snow. There will be a compulsory “school figure” phase, followed a day or so (and lots of beer) later by the free-style event, in which the contestant will produce whatever elaborate snow piss image he can complete. There is a mandatory points deduction for running out of piss. At present, snow pissing will be limited to men until such time that women can demonstrate an ability to effectively compete in this event.

Wouldn’t you like to learn that you have been nominated to receive a prestigious blogging award? Of course you would. So would I. I’ve never won any kind of blogging award.

I was, therefore, quite surprised to learn that: (a) I have been nominated to receive a blogging award, and (b) the other nominees are Heavy-Hitters in the Blogosphere. Quite impressive, no?

I know you’re thinking, “Yo, Jimbo. It’s about time! So what’s the award for? Gotta be for something good; maybe something like The Coolest Guy? Best Dancer? Most Likely to Succeed? Best Farookin’ Hair?”

No, friends. It’s not quite like that. The nomination is for the title of “King of the Crapbloggers,” courtesy of Elisson, the Turdmeister, who obviously thinks there’s nothing cooler than a stool.

I suppose the good news is that I’m getting the shit kicked out of me in the poll.