Here’s the thing. I am more than overdue for a new computer.

Even writing the words “new computer” gives me a case of the hot squirts. While some people change computers with the ease of changing socks, I am not one of those people.

Still, it’s time.

My current computer is something like 8 years old. It runs Windows 98, and, it has a history of freezing more often than it should, which has been annoying but manageable. Lately, however, things have become more unsettling. More often than not I find myself “holding in the button” to shut the frozen beast down, knowing that, upon restarting, the dreaded Blue Screen will scold me for having “Shut Down Windows improperly”. I’m getting tired of that shit.

Of course, the big question is, “Yo, Jimbo, waddya wanna buy?”

I know that the COMPUTER STORE guys will ask, “Well, Sir, [you old fart] what do you want to do with the computer? [Keep track of your old fart pills?]” I don’t blame them for asking, for every day they have to deal with old farts computer shoppers who think that little people live inside the computer who make computer shit happen. Happily, I know that “little people” don’t make this shit work, but I’ll be damned if I know what does.

OK, so I know that computers aren’t magic boxes, I still have to figure out what the hell to buy.

My current computer is a Dell, and I have read and heard of the horror stories. I have also experienced the Dell Hell firsthand. So, I am starting with the presumption that Dell is out. Compaq? HP? Gateway? (I have a friend who takes two hours to tell you his “Gateway” woes.

Thinking about it makes my farookin’ hair hurt.

To answer the Computer Guy’s question in my own Techno-idiot fashion, here’s what I want. I want a big, badass, super-fast computer that will not become obsolete two minutes after I open the box.

Even if I could settle in on which big, badass, fast computer I want, the real and gnawing fear I have is, once I buy it, setting the farookin’ thing up and getting the shit from this computer to that computer. I have no clue. There isn’t all that much I would want to save, but the things I want to save, I really want to save.

Did you ever read what passes loosely as English in the typical computer Instruction Manual? Even assuming I could understand the “English” in those things, as soon as I see some shit about “drivers” or “ht.access” and “SQL” (WTF?), I get serious sweats.

Hell, I’d rather buy a house.

So, if you happen to live in New Jersey, and you see a guy in a computer store looking like he’s about to barf or have a cyber-seizure, that just might be me. Please just point me to the men’s room and tell me I have great farookin’ hair. I’ll be forever grateful, and I’ll buy you lots of beer.