Dear Mr. Dogshit:

At the outset, and in the interest of fairness, I would like to thank you for not walking your dog in front of my house and letting your dog shit all over my sidewalk. I’m sure that my neighbors on either side of my property thank you as well.

Having said that, I believe that you, sir, are an inconsiderate swine.

Oh, don’t pretend to be shocked. Over the past several years, I have seen you early in the morning taking your dog for a “walk” and permitting him/her to shit liberally on your own sidewalk, where you just leave these piles of doggie dung as a little surprise for the poor bastards who happen to walk past your house. I gather that your Dogshit Removal Plan is to have the aforesaid poor bastards remove the disgusting masses bit by bit on the bottom of their shoes. Perhaps you just choose to wait for rain. In either case, you need your ass kicked.

A while back, before I became aware of your curious “Dogshit Removal Plan”, I happened to step in one of the many caca mines all over the sidewalk, which you seem think are just fine. I have since become aware of your “Screw-Everybody-It’s-My-Sidewalk” attitude and, as such, when I come to your stretch of sidewalk during my morning walk, I am ever so vigilant so as not to step on one of the many piles of sidewalk shit that seem to bother you not one goddamned bit.

Let me point out to you, Mr. Dogshit, that the sidewalks are there subject to the town’s easement, for the purpose of permitting pedestrians to walk in front of your property, presumably free from having to do a daunting dance to avoid stepping in any number of shit piles. Let me also remind you that, pursuant to a local ordinance, you have a duty to clean up the dogshit generated by your dog on the sidewalk, irrespective of where the sidewalk happens to be.

I am rather fortunate, because I have come to learn of your thoughtless behavior, but pity the hapless pedestrian who does not expect to walk into a minefield of dogshit. I offer a particularly generous helping of pity for the person who must walk on “your” sidewalk at night. The odds of such a person stepping into one of your fecal treats approaches unity.

Mind you I don’t blame your dog, for it is you, Mr. Dogshit, who trained him/her to shit all over the sidewalk.

Don’t bother trying to deny any of this, Mr. Dogshit, because Ol’ Jimbo the techno-tard, now has one of those spiffy cell phones with a camera in it. I have learned how to use it, and I wear that Star Trek-like device in the mornings when I do my walk.

The good news for you, you inconsiderate turd, is that the walkway to the Municipal Court remains dogshit free.

You absolutely cannot make this shit up.