Dear Diary.

OMFG!!! We won! We won everything!!! We won the House and the House of the Senate too!!! Holy shit!!! That means that I will be The Speaker in the House!!! Neener neener neener, you republican dopes!!! LOL!!!!

The MoveOn.org guys picked me up from my hidey-hole and took me to the hotel where I was going to, like, speak. “Nancy the Speaker” OMG!!! Awesome!

I got there and everyone wanted to shake my hand and they were calling me “Madam Speaker”!!! I was, like, “Holy crap!” LOL!!

The next thing I knew, I was standing on the platform and all the news people were there (those CNN people are soooooooo nice; they always shoot my good side and tell me what scum the republicans are), and I was all, like, speaking. It was way cool.

Did you see that guy Chuck Schumer standing behind me while I was, like, speaking? He damned near broke his ankle getting on the platform to get television face time. Doesn’t’ he know that I’m speaking because I am, like, THE SPEAKER? Hello? What a putz! He also wouldn’t keep his hands off my ass. I don’t blame him for wanting to fondle the Pelosi buns, but NOT in public, OK, Chuckie?

After I was done, like, speaking, I heard from sooooooo many awesome people.

Teddy Kennedy called and invited me for a weekend in Hyannisport. Susan Sarandon and the Dixie Chicks will be there, and Teddy said that he’ll be doing one of his regular wet tee-shirt contests. No way I can lose that one, although I am a little worried about that Natalie babe from the Dixie Chicks. She looks like she has pretty big hooters (but, between you and me, Dear Diary, she is a bit of a load, isn’t she? LOL!!!).

Speaking of loads, Mikey Moore called me on my cell and said he wanted to stop by for lunch next week. He’s soooooo smart and sooooooo amazingly interesting. He said that he is making a new movie and he wants to talk to me about appearing in it. GOOSE BUMPS!!! GOOSE BUMPS!!! I hope it’s a cowboy movie. I always wanted to dress up like a cowgirl with a short skirt and a shirt with lots of fringes and sequins and stuff. I’ll wear a push-up bra so I can show my tits and really swing those fringes. (Memo to self: Tell Rosa to buy lots of donuts. LOL!!!)

Unfortunately, Dear Diary, the celebration wasn’t all great. Wait till you hear this!

After I came off the stage, one of those collegy-type campaign volunteers asked me if I would like a glass of wine, and, of course, I said yes. LOL!!!

Anyway, the jerk appeared a few minutes later with a plastic cup half filled with Gallo burgundy or some shit. I asked the starry-eyed sorry ass, “What the hell do you call this shit?”

He was, like, “It’s wine, Ma’am. You said you wanted a glass of wine.”

I was, like, “Does this piece of shit look like a glass? And, does this gutter water look like wine?”

He was, like, “I’m sorry, Ma’am. That’s what we’re serving to everyone.”

I was, like, “Well you can save that shit for the groundlings. I’m not just anyone, asshole. I’m The Speaker in the Goddamned House!”

He was, like, “I’m really, really sorry, Ma’am.”

And, I was like, “Oooooh, so you’re really, really sorry? Too bad, butthead, because you’re really, really, fired!!”

He was, like, “Please reconsider, Madam Speaker: I just finished my Ph.D. in political science from Berkeley, and I want so much to work for the Progressive Cause.”

I was, like, “It sucks to be you, doesn’t it, shitbag? Call me when you learn something about wine!”

He can’t bullshit me. I can smell a republican a mile away.