My friend Bou tossed this Yuletide Turd into my punchbowl. I like her way too much to even consider refusing to play. So, in the off chance you are interested in reading my answers to these questions, here they are:

1.Wrapping paper or gift bags? For gifts I buy for immediate family, wrapping paper. They don’t mind that I lack the patience or skill to wrap things very well. Mrs. Parkway is, by contrast, a wrapping arteest.

2.Real tree or artificial? Years ago, real, but for the last several years a rather large (and very real looking) artificial tree. It is stored away in three sections in a large, zippered, opaque plastic bag. Each year dragging it up the cellar stairs reminds me of the scene in the Sopranos where the guys, after shooting Big Pussy Bompensiero in the cabin of a boat had to drag his dead ass in a body bag up the ladder to toss him over the side into the ocean. I’m getting too old for this shit.

3.When do you put up the tree? Usually Thanksgiving weekend, which sparks the annual “We should get a smaller tree” discussion.

4.When do you take the tree down? When it starts to get real dusty.

5.Do you like eggnog? Absolutely with a slug of rum, please.

6.Favorite gift you received as a child? It was a reel-to-reel tape recorder, back when such things were cutting edge. I recorded all sorts of goofy things. I still have some of those tapes in my basement (the tape recorder has long since been tossed). I keep promising myself to have them transferred to CDs, because, among the mindless things a pre-teen kid would put on tape, there are some tapes of my dad playing guitar and singing. The only thing is I fear that if I were to hear those portions of the tapes, I would turn into a pile of emotional jelly.

7.Do you have a nativity scene? I believe we still have the one that we had when I was a boy. I imagine it was bought piecemeal, because the big, plaster Wise Men don’t even fit in the manger, and the camel (also a bigass plaster thing) is as big as the manger itself. I suppose that’s why it remains in a box with other Christmas stuff that doesn’t get displayed.

8.Hardest person to buy for? Mrs. Parkway, but I’m pretty good at always coming up with something that works.

9.Easiest person to buy for? My friend and bodyguard, Ken. He likes all sorts of silly stuff, even things like that fish that flapped around and sang songs when you pushed a button. Problem is, we don’t exchange Christmas gifts. I do, however, like buying goofy things for his (and the Deckmistress’s) deck and I do, but not at Christmas time. (Memo to self: The pink rope light in the shape of a flamingo needs to be replaced.)

10.Mail or email Christmas cards? Mail, although I think that Christmas cards should be reserved for people one doesn’t see regularly, but exceptions remain.

11.Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Really no such thing, in my mind. Someone wanting to give me a gift means more than the gift itself.

12.Favorite Christmas movie? Hard one. Probably, “It’s a Wonderful Life”, but “A Christmas Story” is right up there.

13.When do you start shopping? For the gifts that I personally have to buy, about ten days before the big day. Of course, each year I tell myself that I won’t wait so long next year.

14.Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? No way.

15.Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Mrs. Parkway’s homemade cookies. The ham, kielbasa, sauerkraut and homemade potato salad are also faves.

16.Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear and there are something like 1,500 of them on the tree. Oy!

17.Favorite Christmas song? Silver Bells. (It was my mother’s favorite Christmas song.)

18.Travel at Christmas or stay home? Stayed at home for the past thirty years. I have lots of liquor.

19.Can you name all of Santa’s Reindeers? Sure. Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy … Only kidding. I know ’em all, but I have to sing the verse of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in my head in order to recite the names.

20.Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel — the same one for as long as I can remember.

21.Open the presents on Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Morning — always.

22.Most annoying thing about this time of year? Television and radio commercials pitching gifts, truckloads of catalogs, too much traffic, crowded stores, long lines and the general hysteria that accompanies the holiday.

23.Do you have Jebus in your heart this Christmas? Each Christmas I am eternally grateful that my heart is still beating.

24.What would you like for Christmas? An oceanfront house. Know anyone who might want to give me one?

Now’s the part where I am to share the joy of the season by tagging five other people. If the following peeps come across this post, please consider yourselves invited to play. If you have better or more important things to do with your time (e.g. stringing paper clips together), taking a pass on this is quite all right.

Hoosierboy

Shoe

Craig

Dogette

Rita

I also invite anyone reading this to feel free to jump into the pool.

David Sutherland
Rank and Organization: Colonel, United States Army.

Donald Felt
Rank and Organization: Command Sergeant Major, United States Army.

For conspicuous patience and exercise of uncommon restraint: Colonel David Sutherland and Command Sergeant Major Donald Felt distinguished themselves by standing fast and maintaining proper military decorum in the face of a furious and unrelenting Bullshit Barrage in Baqubah, Iraq on on 16 December 2006. Colonel Sutherland’s and Command Sergeant Major Felt’s extraordinary devotion to duty under the most difficult of circumstances are in keeping with the highest traditions of the military service and reflect great credit upon themselves, the First Cavalry Division and the United States Army.

via Blackfive

This Sunday at the Post, we made up a gallon or so of Apple Knockers, which consists of fresh apple cider into which one pours commercially available mulling spices and heats it to just shy of a boil. It is laced with a generous slug of Laird’s Applejack (New Jersey’s very own for almost 300 years – George Washington drank the stuff) and served with a cinnamon stick.

Once the spices, cider, Applejack and cinnamon stick sing in harmony, the drink smells wonderful and is simply delicious. So much so that it was happily quaffed by the all the Usual Suspects – except for my buddy Paulie. You see, Paulie is a Budweiser Man down to his bone marrow, and when he’s in top form he can keep the night shift working at the brewery. Spirits never pass his lips.

Still, I thought that he might just like an Apple Knocker. What’s not to like? So, I figured I’d offer him a sip of mine

:Me: “Yo, Paulie! Try this.”

Paulie: “Nah, I don’t drink that shit.”

Me: “Just taste it, fer Chrissakes; it’s apple goddamned cider with a little apple whiskey in it.” (offering him my cup)

Paulie: (Takes the cup and sniffs) “It smells like a f***ing candle!”

Which caused everyone anywhere near him to piss their pants laughing.

Paulie … I farookin’ love the guy.

Update: More about the infamous Paulie here. He absolutely slays me.

The Weblog Awards folks have verified the results of the voting for the 2006 Weblog Awards, and Parkway Rest Stop won in its category. Yesterday, I had planned to draft an acceptance speech, but instead I went to the Post to celebrate with the Usual Suspects (voters all) and toss back a few. So much for the acceptance speech.

Obviously, the press had gotten wind of the preliminary results, because for the past two days my phone has been ringing off the hook with requests for interviews. The NBC and CBS trucks are parked outside my house tying up traffic to a fare-thee-well and royally pissing off the neighbors. In fact, the cops had to arrest a guy down the street. He was really angry because his driveway was blockedby a huge CNN tractor-trailer. Prior to being arrested, he was throwing turds at my house and screaming, “A goddamned Blob Award? I got your goddamned blob right here!”

I suspect things will settle down in a few days, but in the meantime I will be putting together my plan to win the War on Terror, gain energy independence, solve the Social Security problem, and outlaw clowns of any description.

I’ll keep you posted.

Note: On a serious note, I would like to say that I found the competition to be a great deal of fun, which, after all, is really the point of it all. I was also introduced to some excellent blogs, which, but for the contest, I probably would not have gotten to read. Finally, I would like to commend the bloggers against whom I directly competed. They are all first class.

How many times have you heard Bing Crosby sing “White Christmas”, a song he introduced in 1942 and which is the best selling record ever in the United States?

You’ve heard it about a gazillion times, no?

Hum the tune to yourself. It’ll only take a moment. I’ll wait.

OK?

How many times have you seen the 1954 movie “White Christmas” starring, among others, Bing Crosby?

Probably somewhere shy of a gazillion, but still a few times, I’ll bet.

Here’s the question: In the movie, who sang the melody you just hummed to yourself?

Was it Bing?

No it wasn’t.

It was Rosemary Clooney. She sang the melody, and ol’ Bing sang the harmony part!

In addition, I also noticed for the first time that one of the main dancers in “White Christmas” was George Chakiris, who later went on to play the part of Bernardo in the movie West Side Story. Who knew?

I had these forehead slapping moments yesterday while watching “White Christmas” for the umpteenth time.

Damned if I don’t loin something every day.

Update: Should you be interested, here is a quiz you can take to determine how Christmas Movie Savvy you are. I scored a fair, at best, 6/10. Swiped from mtpolitics.net

The polls are closed. Yowza!

This campaign has been exhausting.

I had intended to visit all fifty states (with my Tom-Tom direction gizmo in tow, of course), but I never got out of Jersey. I had anticipated attending Country Fairs, kissing babies, playing guitar and making shirtsleeve speeches from the back of flatbed, but I never got out of Jersey.

Tim Russert, Bob Schieffer and George Stephanopoulos all wanted to pay my expenses to come to Washington to appear on their Sunday television broadcasts, but I never got out of Jersey. I was too busy to accept the invitation from the Today show, or to write the op-ed piece the New York Times was pestering me for.

Despite my failure to make all the campaign stops and guest appearances I had envisioned, as of 11:59 p.m. on Friday, it would appear that I received more votes than the excellent bloggers who were in the same finalist category. The rules clearly state that the voting is not official until the results are certified. I, therefore, shall wait for that to happen before I pour myself a generous helping of primo victory bourbon.

I’ll have more to say about my plans for the United States and the World in General once the results are certified, but now I must rest. All this frantic-paced Jersey campaigning has worn my sorry ass out.

It certainly would not be premature to thank all those who took the time to vote (and to vote regularly) for my silly site. Accordingly, here is a thank you for each of 572 votes.

THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU …THANK YOU …THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU … THANK YOU and THANK YOU.

This number counts the nine times I voted for myself. I couldn’t resist, because, after all, I really am a swell guy.

You until 11:59 p.m. (Jersey Time) tonight to vote for Jimbo. Click on the Weblogs Award picture over there on the left. You can vote in all the categories by clicking here.

To vote for Jimbo, click the Weblogs Awards Picture on the left. You can vote in all the categories by clicking here. You can vote once every twenty-four hours until 11:59 p.m. on Friday. Nyuk Nyuk

You can vote for Jimbo once every twenty-four hours by clicking on the Weblogs Award sign in the left sidebar (of course, there is no right sidebar). You can vote in all the categories by clicking here.

Sometimes fine art trumps even very important things such as shameless campaigning for a Weblog Award. Such is the case when we learn that Dogette has posted this year’s first installment of the long-awaited Twelve Poops of Christmas Series.***

The series is best enjoyed with a nice glass of Champagne California Sparkling Wine.

*** Sometimes referred to by the cognoscenti (and her Medallion Level USERS) simply as the “12P” Series.

Update: Day 2 of 12P is up and can be found here. Catch the spirit!