PRS has once again scooped the Mainstream Media, just as it did in February when PRS acquired a copy of the New Employee and Intern Orientation Memo that was being provided to Senator Ted Kennedy’s Staffers, and again in March when PRS Operatives gained access to Ted Kennedy’s answering machine.

Now, we have been provided with a copy of recent memo that Speaker Pelosi circulated to her office staff concerning internal office procedures.

Date: January 5, 2006

From: Speaker in the House Nancy Pelosi

To: Office Staff

Subject: Office Procedures

Since I have been elected as the SPEAKER in the House, I have become more important than I previously had been. I will be busy doing really important SPEAKER things, and lots and lots of really important people will want to Speak with me. I, therefore, think that it is important that I clearly set forth the manner in which I expect you to perform your jobs.

The following rules and procedures must be adhered to. There are no exceptions. Remember, I am the SPEAKER and this office is NOT a democracy.

1. Proper form of address. At all times, you will refer to me as “Speaker Pelosi”, or “Madam Speaker”. You can forget about that “Congresswoman Pelosi” stuff, because that is so pre-November. And, heaven help any of you who even think about referring to me as “Mrs. Pelosi”.

2. Proper form of greeting. When I enter the office for the first time each day, a staff member must say either “Good morning, Madam Speaker. You look particularly nice today”, or “Good morning Madam Speaker. You look absolutely stunning/radiant/breathtaking in that suit.” I expect that you will devise a system that ensures that each staff member is regularly given a chance to tell me how nice I look. It’s only fair.

3. Referring to members of the “other” party. When you are in the office, never refer to members of the other party as “republicans”. They must always be referred to as re-THUG-licans, Wing Nuts, Chickenhawks, Reich-publicans, War Mongers, or mouth-breathing knuckle dragging morons. I know they can’t help how really stupid they are, but we won, and it sucks to be them.

4. Beverages.
Each morning, no later than ten minutes after my arrival, I must be served a cup of freshly made Indian chai, which must be prepared with Assamese tea, and organic ginger, cardamom pods, cinnamon, and cloves.

I also expect that there will always be no less than a case of Cristal on hand, two bottles of which shall remain chilled at all times so as to permit immediate consumption, as I direct.

Under no circumstances are any staff members permitted to drink the aforementioned Indian chai or Cristal. You are permitted to drink the non-alcoholic beverage of your choice, provided that: (a) you bring it from home, (b) it is organic, and (c) your choice of cup does not displease me.

5. Permissible Music. The only music that is permitted to be played in the office are songs by the following artists: Jefferson Airplane, Grateful Dead, Donovan, Pete Seeger and Joan Baez. Wearing those i-Pod things in your ears so you can listen to different music is absolutely forbidden. If you don’t like Gracie Slick, you damned well can’t work here!

6. Handling Mail
(a) Mail from Constituents: Don’t bother me with that crap! That’s why I have you working here!

(b) Mail from other Members in the House or in the House of the Senate: Unless it is from Senator Clinton, or Senator Obama, in which case, I want it immediately delivered to me unopened, don’t bother me with that crap either!

(c) Other Mail: My Victoria’s Secret and Frederick’s of Hollywood catalogs are to be wrapped in brown paper and immediately brought to my private office. Botox literature is to be handled in the same fashion.

7. Chuck Schumer. Ever since November, that dreadful man has been following me around like a dog in heat. Under no circumstances is he to be admitted to my private office.

If you have any questions about these rules and procedures, they better be good, because I am the SPEAKER, and I do not have time to waste on the likes of you.