Yes, that would be me.

If there were a market for the stuff, I would be in Fat City.

In the meantime, I shall deal with the watery eyes, hacking explosive coughing and feeling as if I had been hit by a bus.

Clearly the cold-induced head goo has not only plugged up my ears, but it also has lodged in the few remaining creativity portals in my cruller.

I think I shall do comfy chair, a bankie and a James Patterson novel — short chapters.

It’s about all that I can handle at the moment.

Unless you have been living in a cave, you know that former Vice President Al Gore won an Academy Award for his “documentary” concerning global warming. As you might imagine, Mr. Gore received numerous congratulatory e-mails and a few not so congratulatory ones.

PRS Operatives have obtained copies of several of those e-mails, which appear below.

Dear Al,

So now you’re Mr. Big Shot Academy Award winner?

Mazel Tov, NOT!!

As far as I’m concerned, you’re still a backstabbing swine.

Jerk.

Very truly yours,
Joe Lieberman

Dear Mr. Gore:

I received your recent letter in which you demanded a refund of the fee you paid for our Dale Carnegie course entitled “Developing an Engaging Personality”. You claim that you are entitled to a refund because you failed to successfully complete the course.

As our guaranty plainly states, if you fail to successfully complete the course, at your option, you may have a refund, or you can re-take the course at no charge. You opted to re-take the course, and, in fact, you have re-taken the course six times, and you failed each time.

Mr. Gore, enough is enough.

Sincerely,
J. William Attridge
President, Dale Carnegie, Inc.

P.S. Oh, congratulations on your award. You must have been a real live wire at those Hollywood parties.

Dear Mr. Gore:

We at the Mayo Clinic have received your inquiry concerning elective surgery.

I regret to inform you that medical science has yet to develop a surgical procedure for a personality transplant.

Have you considered a Dale Carnegie course?

Yours truly,

George A. Sommers, M.D.
Chief Medical Administrator
The Mayo Clinic

Dear Al:

Now that you’re swimming in cash, do you think you might finally settle up on the $275 thousand still outstanding for the legal fees you owe me for maintaining a straight face while I tried to sell that steaming batch of bullshit to the courts in 2000?

THIS IS YOUR FINAL NOTICE.

If I do not received payment in full within ten (10) days, I shall obtain a judgment against you in that amount and attach your private jet and SUVs.

Don’t mess with me, Al.

David Boise, Esq.

Dear Al,

CONGRATULATIONS!!! Your documentary was AWESOME!!!

I really like your style and the care you took in doing the necessary research. How about we collaborate on a documentary? It would be so AWESOME. I’m thinking of doing a film that will offer indisputable proof that the Bush family is comprised of aliens from a fascist planet in another galaxy. Sweet, no?

Call me when you get a chance. We can do dinner.

From one Oscar winner to another,

Michael Moore

Dear Al:

Any chance I could get a part in your next movie?

I could play Bill Clinton.

Very truly yours,
Charles Manson
Inmate #277654

Dear Al, Pal o’ Mine:

Got any tips for getting into the movie business?

I’m planning for my future.

Your pal,
John Kerry

Dear Asshole:

Now that you’re getting all this ink, don’t even THINK about telling your new Hollywood Best Pals to support anyone but me in 2008. Just so we’re clear, if you pull that shit, I’ll squash you like the pus sack you are. Tipper too.

Creep.

Hillary Clinton

You know? I was just telling someone the other day (while knocking on wood) that I had managed to avoid catching a cold so far this winter.

Maybe it was fake wood I knocked on.

Damn.

As you doubtless know, yesterday Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called President Bush to complain about remarks that had been made by Vice President Cheney. PRS Operatives, ever vigilant, managed to obtain a transcript of the phone call.

RINGGGGGGG

Operator: Good afternoon. This is the White House. To whom may I direct your call?

Nancy: You can direct my call to the goddamned President, that’s who.

Operator: May I ask who is calling?

Nancy: Just tell him it’s Pelosi.

Operator: Is this about a pizza delivery?

Nancy: Pizza? Are you out of your goddamned mind?

Operator: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were the lady from the pizzeria. Lots of people play pranks and try to have pizzas delivered here.

Nancy: You idiot! I’m Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker in the goddamned House.

Operator: Oh, I see. May I ask what this in reference to?

Nancy: No, you may not. Just put that dumb son of a bitch on the phone.

Operator: Please hold while I transfer your call.

[Merle Haggard music plays over the phone]

Staff Member: Good afternoon. How may I help you?

Nancy: This is Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker in the goddamned House. I want to talk to the President, and I want to talk with him right goddamned now. It’s very important.

Staff Member: Are you the lady who called two days ago claiming to be the High Priestess of the Planet Xanthia?

Nancy: Listen, you little prick. This is Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker in the goddamned House and the third in line for the presidency. Tell the President I demand to speak with him immediately.

Staff Member: May I as what this is in reference to?

Nancy: Jesus Christ!

Staff Member: Oh, you want to talk with him about a religious matter?

Nancy: No, goddammit! I want to complain about that fascist bastard piece of shit Vice President of his.

Staff Member: Have you been shot?

Nancy: No, I haven’t been shot. You’ll pay for this, you little smart ass shit.

Staff Member: Well, what did the Vice President do to you? I’m sure the President will ask me that, so I have to ask you.

Nancy: That evil, Nazi piece of shit, war criminal questioned my patriotism!

Staff Member: Oh, …I see. Please hold, and I’ll tell the President that you’re on the phone.

Nancy: Well, it’s about goddamned time!

[Merle Haggard music plays over the phone]

Staff Member: Ma’am, the President is busy at the moment, but he said he would call you back later today.

Nancy: BUSY?? The moron said he’s BUSY? He’s too BUSY to talk with the Speaker in the goddamned House? That bastard! What could possibly be so important that he cannot come to the phone to talk with me, the third in line to the Presidency?

Staff Member: He said something about his sock drawer.

You Are 8% Massachusetts

You Yankees loving homo! You probably think Starbucks coffee tastes better than Dunkin Donuts.

How Massachusetts Are You?

Perhaps this explains why I would sooner get hit in the head with a sack of slimy boogers than vote for Ted Kennedy or John Kerry.

P.S. The only way I ever have been able to spell “Massachusetts” is by mentally singing Freddy Cannon’s song “Boston” as I type.

P.P.S. Swiped from Teresa, who also is not very “Massachusetts” (Damn, I had to mentally sing the song again!)

P.P.P.S. Freddy “Boom Boom” Cannon sang songs about other places as well, such as Tallahassee Lassie, Way Down Yonder in New Orleans and the Jersey Fave, Palisades Park, a song about a long-gone amusement park in Jersey.

Speaking from personal experience, I call this one “Why People Who Do Well in Creative Writing Class Often Have a Problem With Shit Like Physics”.

Thanks to my friend Brian, the Air Force Vet.

It is no secret that I hate clowns, but I certainly don’t advocate this.

Thanks to Mr. Surly for the link.

Well, the old wireless phone at the Rest Stop — the one that incorporated the answering machine — finally gave up the ghost a week or so ago. Those who called and didn’t get to leave a message after the beep now know why.

It has since been replaced by one of those spiffy “base station” deals with two additional handsets. This hi-tech (for me, anyway) unit comes with an answering machine, caller ID, memory, custom ringer-dingers, other bells and whistles and a big-assed book of instructions.

As such it also comes with a built-in Case of the Ass for Jimbo, because now I have to figure out how to work the damned things. Remember, I’m the guy who put a piece of tape over the blinking light on the VCR and who gave away a DVD player rather than try to hook it up to a very old color TV.

I shall spend the balance of the evening with “Da Book” and a royal pain in my non-techno ass.

Anyone want to lend me a thirteen-year old to set this shit up pronto?

You’ve Got Questions? I’ve got Answers.
Because I’m Very Smart, and You’re … Very Not.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I have lived in New York City all my life. I think you’re really swell and really smart. I plan on voting for you. My problem is that I have friends who also live in New York, and they support Rudy Giuliani. They always remind me of his handling of things during and after the incident on 9-11, and they call him “America’s Mayor”. They say terrible things about you, and they say I’m crazy for wanting you to be the president. Do you have any suggestions for responding to them?

Sincerely,

William J. Walters

Dear William,

Who are these bastard “friends” of yours anyway? Send me their names and addresses. I know people who might want to take them for a walk in the park, if you catch my drift.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a twenty-something progressive feminist, and I am planning to vote for you. Although I agree with you on virtually everything, the issue about which I am most passionate is protecting a woman’s right to choose. Therefore, I would appreciate it very, very much if you would confirm your views on abortion.
With warm regards,

Maryanne Hawkins

Dear Maryanne,

Abortion? I’m all for it. I married one, didn’t I? LOL!!!

Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a democrat, and I am dealing with a bit of a dilemma. You see, I am a twenty-eight year old black woman. As a black person, I always vote for black candidates, and as a woman, I always vote for women candidates. So, as a black person, I feel I can only vote for Barack Obama to make him the first black president, but as a woman, I feel that I can only vote for you to make you the first woman president. I’m really torn.

Very truly yours,

Linda Wilson

Yo Linda,

Peace, out.

Dear Senator Clinton:

I am a democrat, and I am dealing with a bit of a dilemma. You see, I am a twenty-eight year old white man. As a white person, I always vote for white candidates, and as a man, I always vote for male candidates. So, as a white person, I feel I can’t vote for Barack Obama to make him the first black president, but as a man, I feel that I can’t vote for you to make you the first woman president. I may have to vote for John Edwards or Senator Biden. I’m really torn.

Sincerely,

John Morrison

Dear Mr. Morrison:

You, sir, are a sexist and a bigot.

Previous Editions of “Ask Hillary”:

Vol. 1
Vol. 2
Vol. 3
Vol. 4
Vol. 5
Vol. 6
Comments (3)

Just watch the video.

via Curmudgeonly & Skeptical