I’m sure you’ve been aware of the Washington dustup over Nancy Pelosi’s use of a government plane to take her, her staff and relatives back and forth between Washington D.C. and California. The issue caused much spinning and teeth gnashing on both sides of the aisle, which even the White House characterized as “silly”.

Since 9/11 the Speaker of the House, for security reasons, has been provided with use of a government plane to fly back and forth to his district. The reason for this is because the House Speaker is third in line for the Presidency (heaven forbid). As such, the issue has become whether the type of aircraft used by former Speaker Dennis Hastert (whose Congressional District was in Illinois) could make the trip between the coasts without stopping to refuel.

One of the questions that was grist for the media was whether it was Speaker Pelosi or the Congressional Sgt.-at-Arms who actually requested the plane.

PRS Operatives have managed to secure a copy of the original letter drafted by Speaker Pelosi to the Pentagon requesting the use of a government plane. Here it is:

February 1, 2007

The Pentagram
Washington, DC 20301
Attn.: Secretary of Defense

Dear Secretary Rumsfeld, you Fascist Dog Gates:

Listen up, Bob.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I am the goddamned SPEAKER in the House. Yeah, that’s me up there with the gabel and the good looks. As the goddamned SPEAKER, I am entitled to a plane to take me (and whomever else I damned well please) back and forth between Washington and San Francisco, and I don’t want to hear any crap about it from you mutts at the Pentagram. Remember just who it is who hands out the money for your people and their stupid, expensive toys that go boom.

Here are my requirements:

Size

The plane better damned well not be one inch shorter or one inch narrower than the one that President Stooooopid rides around in. I may not be the President, but I damned well might be (Look it up, Bob), and I’m way more sophisticated than he is. I also need more room for my shoes and stuff.

Exterior

I want something, like, groovy – you, know, psychedelic, but in pastels – heavy on the dusty rose, with big swirly letters on the side of the plane that spell “Madam SPEAKER”. Oh, and I don’t want any goddamned flags painted on the exterior. They would clash with the design and, besides, the people in my district don’t much like the American flag anyway. I want the plane to display peace signs instead of flags.

Interior

I want everything that President McHitlerburtonchimpymissionaccomplishedrunkcollegefratboydrugaddledmoron has on his plane, plus the following:

Hot tub for four
Sauna
Steam Room
Mirrors on all four walls and ceiling in my bedroom
Two walk-in closets
Incense burners
Aroma Therapy-capable ventilation system
A safe in which I can store some special seasonings (I do so like to cook)

Miscellaneous

I insist on having a cabin attendant who is a real chef, like from France? Helloooooo? I don’t want some damned broken down army cook with a goddamned crew cut serving me army slop.

Speaking of the flight crew, I want them to dress in designer suits, not in those stupid soldier uniforms. The people in my district become upset when they see soldier uniforms. In addition, I don’t wish to be saluted by the flight crew – that’s, like, such a fascist thing. A deep bow when in my presence will do.

Very truly yours,
Madam SPEAKER

P.S. Don’t even think about jerking me around on this, Bob. Remember what I said about the goddamned money.