I had a couple things I wanted to write about, neither of which would have won a Pulitzer Prize, but they wouldn’t have stunk, at least I think so. But, the truth is that I have been stoically dealing with an invasion of super microbial invaders into my digestive tract. It is nowhere as nasty or as colorful as V-Man’s encounter with the same or similar organisms. Still, it has been annoying enough. I thought I would share:

Colon: Yo, Jimbo. This is your colon speaking. I think you should listen up.

Me: Colon? Jesus, I have a talking colon?

Colon: Yeah, Asshole. I don’t talk often, but when I do, you’ll damned well know it, and you damned well better pay attention.

Me: OK, I have noticed. Now you have my attention. What’s up?

Colon: Yo, remember the other night when I was doing the Pony in your gut (Boogedy, boogedy, boogedy shoop), which sent your sorry ass to bed at 8:30 at night? EIGHT GODDAMNED THIRTY!

Me: Oh, do I ever. I slept for 11 goddamned hours, except for the bathroom breaks. It was pretty awful, turning over and over trying to deal with your antics.

Colon: I’m glad you remember, because I think you’re being a little cocky right about now.

Me: Waddya mean? I’m feeling pretty good now. Almost feisty.

Colon: Don’t screw around with me. Remember those “twinges” I sent your way today?

Me: Yeah, I do, but I figured it was your way of saying good-bye.

Colon: Good-bye my ass. It was a reminder that I am still around and still capable of kicking ass and taking names.

Me: OK, so what’s the deal here?

Colon Just remember who is da boss around here, and maybe you should consider stepping away from the Gottdamned computer until I say it’s OK. Any questions?

Me: Is there anything I can do to convince you to give me a break? You need a will? An Advanced Health Directive? A contract? What?

Colon: Don’t give me any of that lawyer shit. Colons don’t need lawyers. Just do what I say.

Sorry, folks. Looks like I’ll be stepping away from the computer this evening.