Dear Diary,

OMG! I realize that I have neglected my diary for months now. It’s just that I have been totally busy doing government SPEAKER in the House stuff and staying in touch with my new seriously good friend Arianna Huffington. I know she sounds like Zsa Zsa Gabor, but don’t let that fool you. She is freakin’ brilliant. (I have waaaaaay better tits, but let’s not go there).

A couple weeks ago she called me and said, “Nan, I’m dying for some decent escargot. Vhat do you say you fly vit me to Paris for dinner? I know a place zat makes za best escargot you’ve ever tasted, and zee waiters wear tight pants and have vonderful asses zat look like zey are made of hard rubber.”

The hard rubber asses did it for me!

We flew on, like, her private jet, which was loaded with Cristal and caviar, but the best part was when she showed me the toilet bowl that contains a porcelain picture of that moron Bush. She said, “Nan, I so love shitting on Chimpy McHitlerburton. I feel vondervul aftervards. Dey are da best shits ever.”

I shit on him too. It was freakin’ AWESOME! LOL! Rethuglicans are just sooooooo, like, crude.

Oh, and this was really cool. Hilly came over last week. We were doing some totally primo herb and giving each other bikini waxes, when she mentioned that she needed to prepare to question that skinny General douchebag, who has been doing some stuff in Iraq. I said, “Girlfriend, I knew that, and do I ever have a surprise for you!”

At that moment Sven came to the door – all 6’4”, 185 pound, well muscled, hung like Man o’ War, blond, blue-eyed bit of him. Like I had asked him to do, he was wearing one of those silly Army Uniforms, with lots of stars and ribbons and shit.

When he saw Hilly and me, he thought it would be like our regular routine, so he began removing the uniform. “No,” I said. “Later for that.”

I made him sit in a chair wearing the uniform while Hilly and I called him all sorts of names like, “Douchebag, Liar” and shit. Hilly really got into it. “You’re a stinking, miserable, lying traitor, and you’re nothing but a freakin’ stooge for the arch terrorist Bush. You’re probably a child molester and your mother is a five-dollar streetwalker!”

It was, like, so totally cool!

Then we took turns peeing on him. This cost me an extra $500, but it was worth every penny. It was freakin’ AWESOME.

After that, Hilly said that she was totally ready to take on that Bush toady, douchebag general and his bullshit Iraq testimony.

But there was still plenty of herb, plenty of Cristal and plenty of time for Hilly and me to play “Hide the Howitzer” with Sven.

It was freakin’ AWESOME.

Vol 1
Vol 2
Vol 3
Vol 4
Vol 5
Vol 6
Vol. 7
Vol. 8
Vol. 9