In addition to wishing all who come by here a happy and healthy 2008, I have a few special wishes for some of those who don’t.

I wish the following for these folks:

The producers of reality television programs: I truly hope that in 2008 you find something worthwhile to do with yourselves.

Isamofascists: I hope that you all wake up one day in the coming year and say to yourselves, “Man, this is a really bad idea,” and that you get an education and begin producing something of value to the world.

Spammers: May you all take up an avocation as useful to society as is spamming. Plate spinning might be good. (Yes, I know. They do come around here, but they are cyber zapped before anyone ever sees them.)

Congress People and Senators: May you all wake up one morning and decide that what you need is a real job.

New Jersey Legislators: May you all accept a plea bargain.

John Edwards: May your wife get well, and may you and she stop the Stalinist bullshit and return to your mansion to enjoy spending time with your children.

Barack Obama: May you read a lot, think a lot and mature a lot. At the end of that process, you just might become a Republican.

Ted Kennedy: May you enjoy a swim in a vat of scotch.

Nancy Pelosi: May your plastic surgeon remain alive and his hands nimble.

Bill Clinton: May you come to realize that you will not implode if you talk about something other than yourself for a minute or two.

Hillary Clinton: May you return to the Senate, finish your lackluster service there and then accept a position as a panelist on The View, and may you accept with dignity the reality that even Joy Behar is smarter than you.

I’m going to spend a good deal of the day (maybe all of it) just chillin’ and reading this most interesting book.

Interesting? But of course. For instance, did you know that John Wilkes Booth put together the details of the April 14, 1865 assassination plans (to kill Lincoln, and have his co-conspirators kill Secretary of State Seward and Vice President Johnson) in the afternoon of that day?

Yep, I said it was interesting.

Linking to this post, a “Guest Blogger” at the website Forecast Earth (part of the Weather.com organization) referred to me as a “light bulb libertarian.”

Hmmmmm …

It is notable that John Coleman, the founder of the Weather Channel has said of global warming, “It is the greatest scam in history. I am amazed, appalled and highly offended by it. Global Warming; It is a SCAM.”

“Light Bulb Libertarian?” Yep, I’m fine with that.

As Hillary and Bill separately crisscross the State of Iowa making campaign appearances, PRS Operatives were able to intercept a telephone call between America’s First Couple.

RRRRRRRING

Bill: Hello?

Hilly: What the HELL is wrong with you?

Bill: Who is this?

Hilly: Who the hell do you think it is, you piece of shit.

Bill: Oh … Hi, Hilly.

Hilly: Don’t you ‘Hi Hilly’ me. What the HELL is wrong with you?

Bill: What are you talking about?

Hilly: You know damned well what I’m talking about. I saw your performance on that morning television show today.

Bill: Which show? The one where I followed the guy talking about pig shit? Ha ha ha.

Hilly: Don’t get cute with me. I saw all three shows you were on, and you pulled the same shit on each one of them.

Bill: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Hilly: Oh, really? Horseshit! On every one of those shows, you spent damned near all the time talking about YOUR accomplishments. You didn’t spend any time talking about MY accomplishments!

Bill: Hilly, they’re only ten-minute segments.

Hilly: Are you saying that I don’t have ten minutes worth of accomplishments?

Bill: Let’s not go there, Hill. This discussion always goes badly.

Hilly: So, you rat bastard, you’re saying I have absolutely no accomplishments?

Bill: You mean other than marrying me?

Hilly: YOU SONOFABITCH. I’M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE SAYING I HAVE NO ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF MY OWN. MARRYING YOU? YOU MUST BE SHITTING ME! YALE LAW SCHOOL, AND I WOUND UP WITH A SACK OF SHIT GOOBER LIKE YOU? YOU WERE NEVER ANY GODDAMNED GOOD! YOU! YOU! YOU! IT’S ALWAYS ALL ABOUT YOU. I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING ABOUT YOU, YOU, YOU, AND THAT IS THAT YOU, YOU, YOU MAKE ME SICK! SICK! SICK!

Bill: You’re shrieking again, Hill. I’ve told you about that before.

Hilly:

Bill: Are you still there?

Hilly:

Bill: I said, are you still there?

Hilly: Yes.

Bill: Good. Now, if you’ll just learn to shut up and leave me alone, I just may be able to get us re-elected.

Hilly: OK, Bill. Sorry.

Bill: That’s better.

I admit it. I’ll be damned if I can figure out the trick here.

Anyone?

Tree: Yo.

Jimbo: What is it?

Tree: Waddya say ya turn my lights on?

Jimbo: I will, the next time I get up.

Tree: So, when do you plan on getting up again?

Jimbo: In a little while.

Tree: Sure. I get it. On Christmas Eve and Christmas day my lights were on all the time. Christmas is over, and now I’m chopped liver?

Jimbo: Dammit, can’t you see that I’m trying to read here?

Tree: DON’T TASE ME, BRO! DON’T TASE ME, BRO!

Jimbo: [Puts book down, gets up and turns on lights]. There! Are you happy now?

Tree: I really didn’t think you’d TASE me, Bro.

Jimbo: Oy!

As in the past, this year I received from family members, among other things, a stack of excellent books. There were a couple action-packed page-turners, several excellent non-fiction books and one that is truly unique.

Of course, I speak of Shorts in a Wad, by none other than our pal Elisson. This morning, while taking a break from cleaning up the post-Christmas celebratory rubble, I sat at the kitchen counter and began to read Shorts in a Wad.

In the book’s introduction, Elisson writes:

You can devour the whole thing at once, popping stories like so many Snacky Peanuts, or you can savor them, reading a story when you have a spare moment.

I went the Snacky Peanuts route and inhaled the whole bowl in one sitting. I couldn’t help myself; the stories were just that good. I did a great deal of LOL-ing, and I’m an inward laugher, not much of an LOL-er, but you simply cannot read these stories and not laugh out loud (a very few are not intended to be funny, and those hit the mark as well). I defy anyone to read the Morty Maggot Story and not burst out laughing.

There is, however, a distinct difference between Elisson’s One Hundred 100-Word Stories and a bowl of Snacky Peanuts. I can’t re-eat Snacky Peanuts, but I can re-read each and every one of the 100-word gems again and again.

And so I shall.

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I would like to wish all of you who have chosen to grace this space with a bit of your time a very Merry Christmas. Please spend a moment or two remembering our servicemen and servicewomen who cannot be home for Christmas with their families, because they are busy seeing to it that we can continue to spend a peaceful Christmas with ours.

After yesterday’s bit of gloom and doom, and seeing as how it is Christmas Eve, here are a couple happy and gay notes – happy, anyway.

Cousin Jack grew up in Jersey (Down Neck), before he migrated to the Left Coast many years ago. He tells a wonderful story about buying Christmas trees in Jersey from “Whitey” down the block, with special emphasis on the year his family ended up with a particular stinky tree.

……….

I found this over at Suzette’s site, and I will definitely be ordering one, even though it has no wick.

……….

Remember Junior? He’s the cat that’s not our cat, but who regularly shows up for morning and evening victuals with a very long nap in between. Well, a few days ago, he showed up, obviously all banged up. He was not walking on his right front leg, his face was scraped and his coat looked like hell. I suspect that he had a run in with a car, and the car won.

He ate a little and crashed on his spot (even though he’s not our cat, he has a spot) and barely moved. I walked over the neighbor who has asserted dominion over owns the cat and told them that the cat was in my house, and I thought he should be taken to a vet.

The neighbor came by and took the cat, stating that he would take him to the vet. Frankly, I had my doubts. Junior didn’t show up for a couple days, and I figured that that was the end of him.

Well, I don’t know if he ever was seen by a vet, but he appeared yesterday and, although he still slightly favors his right front leg, he looked just fine. In fact, he effortlessly made the leap from the deck to the deck railing.

After morning chow, he made himself comfortable under the tree. Sorry that the picture is blurred, but, as you can see, the feline ne’er do well looks pretty good.

Now that the federal government is in the business of mandating what kind of light bulbs Americans can use, I can see where this is headed.

2012
100-watt incandescent light bulbs are banned.

2013
Bright colors are banned. Colors are frivolous, and dye manufacturers are well known polluters. Henceforth, all fabrics will be grey.

2014
40-watt incandescent light bulbs are banned.

Candles are banned as a source of dangerous greenhouse gases. Exceptions for use of candles in religious ceremonies will not be granted, for to do so would constitute an impermissible establishment of religion.

Christmas Holiday Winter Festival lights are banned as being a profligate waste of energy. Real Winter Festival trees are banned as wasteful destruction of greenhouse gas reducing flora. Artificial Winter Festival trees are also banned, as the manufacturers of such items are known polluters. State-approved Winter Festival trees, which are grey in color, eighteen inches tall and are manufactured from recycled paper, can be obtained at your local office of the Federal Bureau of Permissible Celebratory Goods (the “FBPCG”).

2015
Separate clothing styles for men and women are banned, as being wasteful and promoting of differences between the sexes. Henceforth all citizens will wear the state-approved grey suit manufactured in China according to U.S. Government specifications, which specifications shall be established by the Federal Bureau of Egalitarian Clothing (the “FBEC”).

Automobile usage will not be permitted without first obtaining a usage permit from the Federal Bureau of Automobile Control (the “FBAC”). Eligibility for issuance of a usage permit will be based solely on the extent to which a citizen’s use of an automobile is in the interest of the state. If it is determined that a citizen is eligible to be assigned an automobile, the type and size of such automobile will be determined by the FBAC, based on family size and distance traveled to and from a citizen’s assigned workplace.

2015
Desserts of any kind are banned as a prime source of obesity. Henceforth all citizens will be assigned a daily permissible caloric limit, which will be strictly enforced by the Federal Bureau of Caloric Control (the “FBCC”). In addition, alcoholic beverages are also banned as being a source of drunkenness and social disharmony. The alcoholic beverage ban will be enforced by a sub-department of the FBCC, known as the U.S. Department of Enforced Sobriety (the “USDES”).

Eating of any animal products is banned as being barbaric and insensitive to our animal neighbors on the planet.

All citizens will henceforth be required to assemble in their respective state-assigned locations for morning exercise. Exceptions will be permitted only upon presentation of a note from a physician from the citizen’s local Federal Health Center.

All firearms will be turned in to the Federal Bureau of Firearms Management (the “FBFM”). After June 1, 2015, firearms in the hands of citizens will be deemed contraband and will subject the violator to criminal sanctions. The FBFM is not authorized to make exceptions to this edict.

2016
All written works and works of artistic expression in any form must be submitted to the Federal Bureau of Properspeak (the “FBP”) to ensure that nothing in any such works offends any citizen, anywhere.

2017
The right and title to all property of any kind, whether real, tangible, or intangible, wherever situated, shall vest in the Federal Government, which, through the Federal Office of Property Distribution (the “FOPD”) shall be equitably distributed to its citizens according to their respective needs.

Fluency in the Spanish language shall be mandatory for all citizens.

JUST SHOOT ME NOW.

Update: Check this out.