Lebanon, Indiana. Barack Obama, having recently disassociated himself from Jeremiah Wright, his pastor for more than twenty years, Obama today announced that he is divorcing his wife, Michelle.

In a hastily-called press conference, Senator Obama stated, “Today I have commenced divorced proceedings against my wife, Michelle. It was a difficult decision, but many of her recent statements about America are divisive and do not represent my views. This is not the woman I have come to know over the past sixteen years. Her unfortunate statements serve only to distract Americans from the issues that are critical today for the future of the United States.”

Senator Obama refused to answer a virtual barrage of questions from shocked members of the press, stating that he was already late for his next campaign stop, which will be at a local gun club for skeet shooting and prayer.