Yes, that’s me. Captain Power Wash (spoken in a deep baritone and pronounced CAPTAAAAAAAAAIN POWWWWER Wash).

A few days ago, I wasn’t Captain anything, but in no time, I skyrocketed to the rank of Captain Power Wash, skipping right over the rank of Lieutenant Power Wash. Here’s how it happened.

My deck had become rather dingy looking and was in need of some serious power washing. In years past, I hired someone to do the honors. Since then, my friend, Usual Suspect Jeff, bought his very own power washer. Having watched the hired power washers do their stuff, I boldly figured that I might just be able to handle the job myself.

I called Jeff and asked if I could borrow his power washer.

“Absolutely,” he said and was even kind enough to drive it to the House by the Parkway in his truck. He showed me how to hook up the hose and the water blaster piece, then he showed me how to fire up the gas engine, and finally how to actually use the thing.

We did a bit of the deck together and then he left me on my own. That’s when I began gleefully blasting the grime off the deck and, amazingly enough, enjoyed the process. BLAST here!! BLAST there!! I was blasting my ass off. Ol’ Junior, who is NOT MY CAT, took one look at Captain Power Wash’s blastfest and .decided to go elsewhere for dinner.

Yo, Jimbo, you’ve never been a do-shit-around-the-house guy. What’s up with this?

Fair question. Here’s the deal:

1. It’s a bit like shooting a rifle. In New Jersey we can purchase high-powered rifles (after going all the legal hoops), but discharging them anywhere in the state could get you arrested. Goofy, I know, but that’s the way it is. The water blaster piece of the power washer has the feel of an assault rifle with a foldable stock. It even produces a little bit of a satisfying kick when you pull the trigger and blast away. BLAST!

2. It’s not as dangerous as a chainsaw or other power tools. I don’t do chainsaw and most power tools. Sure, if you were to blast away at your toes, with the blaster, it would not be cool, but I don’t think I’m likely to lop off any extremities with the blaster. Not so with a chainsaw. You want something chainsawed, call this guy. You want something power washed, call Captain Power Wash.

3. It actually cleans dirt away, big time. I hate breaking my ass “cleaning” something only to see that, once you’ve finished, it doesn’t look one damned bit different than it did before you started. As you can see from the photo of the deck above, Captain Power Wash really cleans shit, big time. BLAST!

I just finished the deck project, and I hate to return the blaster to Jeff, because I can already think of lots of things that need power washing, such as every rat bastard politician in Trenton.

Perhaps I shall buy my own power washer and blaster and design a super hero costume for Captain Power Wash. No spandex, or course (yeef!).