Absolutely amazing what this man can do with a slingshot. My favorite part involves the tall weed.

h/t TigerHawk and Maggie’s Farm.

The President-elect of the United States of America

Good grief!

via Hot Air

Ms. Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg
155 Park Avenue
New York, New York

Dear President-Elect Obama:

I really hate to bother you while you are on your well-deserved vacation in Hawaii, but I would like to request your assistance in connection with a matter with which I am currently involved. Before I wrote this, I checked with my uncle, TED KENNEDY, and he told me that you wouldn’t mind hearing from me and assisting me. He also said that he was certain that my slain uncle, BOBBY KENNEDY and my brutally assassinated father, JOHN F. KENNEDY, would want you to help me. I’m pretty sure that my little brother, JOHN KENNEDY, who tragically died in a plane crash, and my deceased mother JACQUELINE KENNEDY, an American icon, would also be certain that you would help me with my current problem.

As you may know, I am seeking the appointment to the United States Senate to fill the seat that will be vacated by that shrieking harpy whose ass you kicked in the primaries Hillary Clinton. I know that this appointment is solely within the power of David Paterson, the governor of New York, but I have a feeling that your recommendation (along with a few federal pot sweeteners) would convince him to appoint me.

You know what some people are saying? They have the nerve to say that I am not qualified to be a U.S. Senator and that I’m capitalizing on my name, which just happens to be the same as that of my uncle TED KENNEDY, my murdered uncle, BOBBY KENNEDY, my assassinated father JOHN F. KENNEDY, my died-too-soon brother, JOHN KENNEDY and my sainted mother JACQUELINE KENNEDY. Such a claim is preposterous. I am very qualified to be a United States Senator. I have a law degree, and I have done lots of really good and very important things, all of which qualify me to be a U.S. Senator. I am working on the list of things, and I promise to send it to you as soon as it’s finished.

Yes, it’s true that I missed voting in a bunch of elections, but who knew that my aroma therapy spa sessions would sometimes fall on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in November. I have fired my appointment secretary, so that won’t happen anymore.

Despite my excellent qualifications, some people (even some from our own beloved Democratic Party) still insist that I am not qualified to be appointed to the Senate. So, in order to satisfy them and you, I promise to do the following things, if I am appointed.

1. I will read “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” in order to develop an actual personality. It really hurts me when people say I have the personality of a piss clam.

2. I will take a course in public speaking so that when I speak I don’t sound like I was just awakened from surgery.

3. I promise never, ever to use the words “lunch” and “vacation” as verbs.

4. I will get a map of the State of New York and make sure I know where they grow apples and places where it’s really cold in the winter. I will even visit one of those shitholes quaint little towns north of Syracuse in the winter and have pancakes in a local restaurant.

5. I will spend some time with Rosie O’Donnell, so she can teach me how to be funny. Rosie rocks.

6. I will listen to rap music and that other kind of music you like, which I believe is called slip slop, so I can go down and be funky.

7. I will vacation (ooopsie!) take a vacation at Coney Island and eat one of those hot dog things that they make at Famous Noonan’s.

8. I have already lunched (another ooopsie!) eaten lunch with Al Sharpton, and I promise to spend more time getting down with the Bros and Sistas in Harlem. I understand that Bill Clinton is looking to sub-let his office there, as he never uses it.

9. I promise to take a ride on the subway. In fact, I have an appointment with one of my assistants who promised to show me where the subway is.

10. I promise to work not one minute less than two days per week (when the Senate is in session), if I am appointed.

I am looking forward to hearing from you, as is my uncle TED KENNEDY and as would be my murdered uncle BOBBY KENNEDY, my assassinated father JOHN F. KENNEDY and my tragically deceased brother JOHN KENNEDY and my beloved mother JACQUELINE KENNEDY.

Very truly yours,
Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg

Gloomy day outside, but I managed to do a ground pound. I wound up thinking about politics. Feh!

Hell, I’m still basking in the Post-Christmas Mellow, so rather than thinking about politics and winding up with frosted stindeens, I’d prefer to chill out and listen to Delbert McClinton.

Every time Delbert sings, it’s a farookin’ masterpiece.

That is all.

The day began with moving about the House by the Parkway at a slow pace cleaning up the remainder of the post-party rubble. That was followed by lots of sitting, reading and nodding off, all interspersed with trips to the refrigerator to pick on the vast assortment of leftovers. Oh, and there are the cookies, wonderful cookies. Oy! I can feel my ass growing.

Beyond that extremely dull report, I have nothing of interest to offer the Blogosphere today. Tomorrow promises to bring unseasonably warm weather (they’re talking sixty degrees – WTF?), which should clear away the icy patches and permit a groundpound. My psyche and my expanding ass could use one.

I hope youse all had a MAHvelous Christmas.

As the end of what may prove to be an historic year the beginning of the end of the Republic approaches, it seems fitting to, once again, bestow upon deserving recipients the Jimbo Awards. The last time these awards were given was in 2004.

We don’t have a panel of judges, and we don’t poll anyone. This is not a democracy. I decide on the categories, and I make all the choices my badself. If you don’t agree with my selections, feel free to hand out your very own awards.

The awards are in no particular order.

1. Biggest Loss of Career and a Shitload of Money by a Professional Sports Douchebag.

The Winner – Plaxico Burress, who was dumb enough to bring a handgun into a night club, and in an even dumber move, managed to shoot himself in the leg. Still not satisfied with how much stupid he could fit into one day, he tried to cover the whole thing up. Now we learn that he is being sued for slamming his Mercedes into the ass end of a woman’s car in Florida, and he has no insurance. Why? Because he failed to pay the premium. All this will cost him a career worth roughly $35 million. Maybe he can get a gig at the local car wash.

2. The Biggest Bullshit Story Foisted Upon the American People. Ever.

The Winner – Man-Made Global Warming, which has since become known as “Climate Change.” We are to believe that there is a consensus among scientists that man-made global warming causes “climate change” and that the reason we are freezing our asses off this winter is that the planet is too hot, and that we made it too hot. The so-called “consensus” has all but evaporated, but that doesn’t even give pause to the enviro-kooks, who want to take the country backward two hundred years.

3. The Most Memorable Instant Politician.

The Winner – Caroline Kennedy. Princess Caroline was plucked from her Park Avenue digs and her two-hours per week fundraising “jobs” to become the leading candidate for the New York Senatorial seat. Instant politician! Just add bullshit and gobs of liberal hypocrisy and media slobber.

4. The Greatest New Vodka Find.

The Winners – Yes this is a three-way tie: Three Olives Triple Shot Espresso Vodka, Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka and Zyr Vodka (smooth as silk), proving that 2008 did have its good moments.

5. The Most Famous Partisan Rag Posing as a Newspaper.

The Winner – The New York Times. The only thing about the Times that has sunk lower than its credibility is its stock price. Perhaps next year it will win the Jimbo Award for The Most Famous Partisan Rag Posing as a Newspaper that Went Belly Up.

6. The Biggest Douchebag on Television Posing as a Newsman.

The Winner – Keith Olbermann. This preening, bloviating asshole and his spittle-spewing “Special Commentaries” are enough to curdle milk, and he has the moxie to use Edward R. Murrow’s signoff.

7. The Worst Governor in the United States.

The Winner – Rod Blagojevich. Until recently, New Jersey’s own Jon Corzine (whose goal in life seems to be to tax and regulate New Jersey into the stone age), was a shoo-in for this award. However, in the past few weeks Hot Rod Blagojevich easily snatched the prize and, in the process, reminded us Garden Staters that it is possible to have a more worthless turd for a Governor than Jon Corzine (or his predecessor, Jim McGreevey).

8. The Single Word that was Most Annoying.

The Winner – “Green.” Yes, “Hope” and “Change” were close contenders, but they are two words, and as sickeningly pervasive as they are, they are nowhere near as ubiquitous as the word “Green.” Green this, green that, the city’s going green, the company’s going green, green energy and, perhaps the one that makes my hair hurt the most, “Green Jobs.” Believe it or not, conservatives don’t want to shit the place up. We live here too. But, enough with the stupid squiggly light bulbs (with mercury in them) and mindless regulations such as those that require a Hazmat Team to show up dressed like astronauts if someone drops a thermometer on the floor, or those that slam the brakes on property development, because two goddamned whateverfinches live on the 100-acre tract.

9. The Most Annoying New TV Pitchman.

The Winner – the ShamWOW Guy. What’s with the wear-on-your-face microphone? Is it necessary to talk to the “camera guy” during what is, most certainly, well-rehearsed bit? The ShamWOW Guy makes Ron Popeil sound as mellow as Mister Rogers.

10. The Most Thoroughly Detestable Politician.

The Winner – Barney Frank. This category posed the greatest challenge. There are so many thoroughly detestable politicians, choosing the most thoroughly detestable politician is not easy – sort of a Sophie’s Choice in reverse. Among the contenders were: Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Chris Dodd and Chuck Schumer, but Congressman Frank, who is frankly (pun intended) sickening in every conceivable way, nosed the others out. My skin crawls every time he opens his fat, toothless, always-lying yap. Whenever I watch the videotape in which he uses the word “shibboleth,” which sounds like a combination of Daffy Duck and Tom Brokaw I could literally shit myself as a result of a confluence of hysterical laughter and rage.

Go read, then vote.

Remember the five Muslim immigrants on trial for conspiracy to kill U.S. military personnel at Fort Dix?

CONVICTED.

After six days of deliberations, the sequestered jury in the U.S. District Court in Camden convicted the five men of conspiracy and related weapons charges. They were acquitted of the attempted murder charge.

Each faces up to life in prison on the conspiracy charge. Under terrorism laws, prosecutors may seek an enhanced sentence of life without parole. Sentencing was set for April 22 and 23.

The sister of one of the defendants addressed the press and said, “The only reason they put five kids in jail is because they are Muslim.”

She must be talking about the longstanding practice of federal law enforcement officers regularly rounding up Muslim kids and putting them in jail.