I had planned on writing something today. Really.

I woke up with a couple ideas in my cruller, but after reading the news about the looming “Stimulus Package,” I’ve got way too much of a case of the ass to write anything, let alone something even remotely humorous.

Maybe later, maybe tomorrow.

Now that he’s been booted from office, former Governor Rod Blagojevich reportedly plans to spend his new-found free time searching for the real killer of Nicole Simpson and his elusive upper lip.

I see that a Congressman with a sense of humor has written the “Rangel Rule Act of 2009, HR 735,” which, when written on one’s tax return would exempt one from paying interest and penalties on taxes unpaid in the past. Doug Ross suggests that there ought to also be a “Dodd Rule,” which would permit one refinancing a loan to obtain a new loan fifty basis points lower than the market rate.

I would like to suggest the “Pelosi Rule,” which you can invoke after you’ve been asked a question by a reporter and your answer is, at best, gibberish, or, at worst, pure horseshit. The benefit of this rule is that its prompt invocation will cause the Mainstream Media Lemon to refrain from asking you “WTF?”

I figure I must be on Candid Camera or some shit. It’s all a gag, right? This cannot be happening to the country. Can it?

So far today we’ve had snow, hail, sleet, rain (lots of rain) and FOG.

Can locusts be far behind?

I’d like to take a moment to tip my hat to all the Republicans and the twelve Democrats in the House of Representatives who voted against the so-called “Stimulus Package,” which is nothing more than a big-government Pork Frenzy calculated to increase the size of government, reward political friends and solidify the future political support of the tax takers in the country.

Walk tall.

The Mystery
Over the weekend, local news outlets were abuzz (atwitter?) with news of thousands of dead birds showing up all over the place in Somerset County for no apparent reason. Some people, upon seeing the ubiquitous dead birds, were worried about avian flu or West Nile Virus. Who wouldn’t be, when awakening to see your lawn covered with dead birds?

The Answer
The birds did not die from some avian disease, but they were poisoned by the United States Department of Agriculture.

Huh? Boid Moider? Boidicide? WTF?

Yes, it was a case of boid moider. The intended victims were European Starlings, which were eating and pooping in the grain of a Princeton Township livestock farmer (Yeah, we really do have farms in Jersey). After a few non-lethal attempts to make the birds leave failed, the U.S. Government poisoned the birds.

Interesting Stuff

There are about 200 million European Starlings in the U.S. They didn’t live here (hence the name “European” Starlings) until a fellow named Eugene Schieffelin released 100 of them in Central Park in New York City in 1890 and 1891. Apparently, he released the foreign birds as part of an effort by the American Acclimatization Society “to fill America with all the birds mentioned in Shakespeare’s works.” (The European Starling appeared in Shakespeare’s “Henry IV.”) If Eugene Schieffelin were alive today, he would no doubt be a disciple of Algore and equally oblivious to the unintended consequences of douchebaggery.

The federal geniuses decided to poison the birds on a Friday, without giving proper notice to the affected towns. This resulted in weekend calls to town officials going unanswered. These are the same type folks who will run our soon-to-be nationalized healthcare system.

Yet another success story brought to you courtesy of the federal government.

I will spare you the details of what I spent a good deal of yesterday doing, but today I learned that Mr. Colon is in order.

That is all.

After writing this post, I visited the Pepsico website to share my feelings directly with the company. I received the following e-mail response:

Dear James,

In marketing our products, we always aim to convey a message of youthful spirit and optimism. As you can imagine, we try to make full use of events and venues from which we can reach the largest number of potential consumers with our message. For instance, Pepsi was widely visible at the New Year’s Eve celebrations in New York’s Times Square, and we currently are gearing up for our much-anticipated television advertising during the Super Bowl.

The inauguration of a president is another such event that engages a large number of people, both attending in Washington, D.C. as well as watching from living rooms around the world.

Our advertising initiatives coinciding with the inauguration reflect the hope shared by Americans of all political persuasions that our new president will succeed in meeting the serious challenges facing our country and our world. I can assure you that our marketing focus is set on reaching consumers to highlight our portfolio of beverages and snacks, and not the agenda of any political party.

Thanks for allowing us to share this information with you.

Clearly, this is a baloney response cooked up by the Marketing Department, which was, no doubt, reviewed by the communications department and the law department.

I see that Ed Morrissey of Hot Air got the same response, and he raised all the right questions, which I shall not repeat here.

Pepsi’s corporate response notwithstanding, Pepsi remains on my Shit List.

Two members of The One’s political base share their deep thoughts.

The choice for this evening was either blogging, or going out to dinner and drinking LOTS of wine at one of our favorite Northern Italian Bistros with the Bodyguard and the Deckmistress.

Dinner and LOTS of wine won.

Later………