Since the President has decided to release the so-called “Torture Memos,” there has been much talk of “Enhanced Interrogation Techniques.” PRS Operatives have managed to obtain a copy of a CIA Memorandum setting forth the Enhanced Interrogation Techniques and the permissible duration of their use, which the Agency has determined would be acceptable to the current administration.

MEMORANDUM

To: Operations Personnel

From: Office of the Director, McLean, Virginia

Re: Permissible Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

Effective immediately, only the following Enhanced Interrogation Techniques are authorized for use, irrespective of the criticality of information being sought:

1. Serve breakfast orange juice made from concentrate. (Three breakfast maximum)

2. Limit the use of the Wii device to the bowling game. (Maximum one week)

3. Awaken prisoner fifteen minutes earlier than usual. (Maximum three days)

4. Serve canned vegetables with dinner. (Maximum three dinners)

5. Face the corner for a good, long time-out. (Maximum 40 minute duration, followed by a twenty minute rest period and no more than two time-outs per week)

6. Withhold regular chair massages. (Maximum four days)

7. Limit salad dressing to three choices. (Maximum ten days)

8. Make green Jell-O the only dessert choice (Maximum 7 days)

9. Tell the prisoner that you will be really, really disappointed in him if he doesn’t answer your questions. (Maximum once per session).

10. Refer to the prisoner as a “Poopy Head.” (Permissible only with extremely belligerent prisoners and no more than twice per session)

NOTE: THE FOREGOING IS BASED UPON OPINIONS RECEIVED FROM THE AGENCY’S OFFICE OF LAW. HOWEVER, THE AGENCY IS UNABLE TO GUARANTEE THAT USE OF THESE TECHNIQUES WILL NOT RESULT IN A FUTURE PROSECUTION. YOU ARE ADVISED TO RETAIN COUNSEL AT YOUR OWN EXPENSE TO OBTAIN INDEPENDENT LEGAL ADVICE.

UPDATE: Doug Ross has more!

If you haven’t heard anything about Susan Boyle, I figure you must live in a refrigerator box and have really stinky dainties, because her appearance on “Britain’s Got Talent” was the most viewed video on You Tube ever. So, for you Way-Behind-the-Curve, Stinky-Dainties Peeps, you can see the original clip of the Ugly Duckling – Ass-Kicking Singer here. (I’m directing you to LeeAnn’s site because that’s where I first saw the video and also because you should read LeeAnn’s site if you have anything even remotely resembling a sense of humor.)

When you’re done over there, come back here for a minute or two. I’m trusting you on this.

OK, now that you’ve seen the video, check out this song embedded above, which Susan Boyle recorded for a charity CD in 1999. It’s “Cry Me a River,” one of the truly great tunes.

As well as Susan Boyle sang “Cry Me a River,” (probably in one take, given that it was a charity CD), you simply must go out of your way to hear Roberta Sherwood sing it. (The song is on the linked CD, but an audio clip is not available). But dammit, laminate what I just said for your wallet.

Much like Susan Boyle, Roberta Sherwood began earnestly singing for a living at age 43. In her case, it was necessary because her husband was terminally ill and she had three sons to support. She appeared wearing a sweater and sang while smacking a bent, old cymbal with a brush to keep time.

Roberta Sherwood could tear your heart out with a song. She was probably the best Torch Singer of all time. Music to get plastered by, for sure.

It’s not easy when, within the span of a few days, I learned the following:

1. In the eyes of the Department of Homeland Security, I could well be a Right-Wing Extremist.

2. In the eyes of this Bag of Excrement, I am a brain-damaged, redneck, tea-bagging racist.

I have to stop now, because I can’t keep the eyeholes in this white hood lined up with my eyes, not to mention that it’s all soggy from my constant dribbling. Something about my synapses and my frontal lobes, according to Dr. Douchebag.

At the moment, I have absolutely nothing of merit to contribute to the blogosphere.

I’m hopeful that this too shall pass.

Link:

I suspect many, if not most of you, have already seen this, but I’m posting it, because my creativity meter is on zero, and this is a rather astounding video. In the video, John Ziegler, creator of “Media Malpractice: How Obama Got Elected and Palin Was Targeted,”, is attempting to interview people entering the Annenberg School of JOURNALISM to watch Katie *spit* Couric accept the Walter Cronkite Award for excellence in JOURNALISM (No kidding).

Watch what happens to JOURNALIST John Ziegler.

Be afraid, Peeps.

Via Hot Air

Yeah, I’m tired of the battle.

What say we give the bad guys what they want:

1. Put George Bush on trial in some foreign shithole for war crimes or something. Then we’ll have Dan Rather and Leslie Stahl do the play-by-play of his execution.

2. Absolutely free everygoddamnedthing for every goddamnedbody, paid for by those who actually earned the goddamned money to pay for it.

3. Live in the cold and the dark, reading only in natural daylight, to reduce our goddamned carbon footprint so that we can combat goddamned “climate change.”

4. Declare that watching Fox News shall be a felony, and Kieth Olbermann shall be put in charge of Official Information.

5. Jail every Wingnut sonofabitch who dares talk about the Tenth Amendment and a republican (small “r”) form of government. These are dangerous people.

6. Fire up that Alberto Gonzales prosecution. Bastard fired some at-will employees. Who the hell does he think he is?

7. Give Tim Geithner a full pardon. Oh yeah, Charlie Rangel too. Hell, anyone can make a mistake.

8. Let Mexico have Arizona. After all, we have plenty of other states. Fifty-six others, at last count.

9. Give everyone a Cadillac. What the hell? We run the place.

10. Canonize Obama. Anything less would be racist.

Within the last week or so, I bought a new car. Yes, the Big, Fat, Black Capitalist Car is now history. More on the new wheels later, as this is a post about tax. It is, after all, April 15th.

OK so, you buy a new car in New Jersey. Not exactly pocket change, that. The car comes with four real tires and one of those bullshit donuts as a spare. Those five tires are clearly part of the new car. Agreed? Of course. The dealer adds up the total price of the car (including the five tires) and collects, for the state, seven percent of that number as sales tax. Seven percent is a pretty big hit, for sure. Do the math in your cruller.

Ah, but you’re not done paying tax on the car. In New Jersey, after you pay seven percent of the retail value of the car (including the five tires that come with it), you get to pay an additional “Tire Tax” (pdf) of $1.50 per tire, including the spare. Sure, you’ve just spent thousands on a car, including a couple thousand in sales tax, so what’s another $7.50? The rat bastards in Trenton are counting on you thinking like that.

But wait! You’re not done paying tax yet on those tires.

Suppose one of the tires is punctured and you have it fixed. Fixing a tire is a “service,” and you pay seven percent tax on the cost of fixing the tire. Suppose the gas station guy tries to fix the tire, but decides that he can’t fix it and sells you a new tire. You get to pay seven percent tax on the cost of the repair attempt, plus seven percent sales tax on the cost of a new tire, PLUS the tire tax.

Further suppose that, after a year or so, you decide to sell the car (including the four tires and the spare) to Joe Blow. Joe Blow will have to pay seven percent sales tax on the price of your car (including the five tires) AND the tire tax as well, which means that New Jersey has now taxed the same five tires at least FOUR TIMES.

And yet, the sheeple keep paying the taxes and voting the same cruds into office.

Douchebags.

By now, you surely have read about the United States Congressman Donald Payne’s plane barely having left the airport in Somalia before mortar rounds landed on the airport’s runway. Donald Payne represents New Jersey’s 10th congressional district. Yes, that makes him “my” congressman.

You probably read or heard that he is the Chairman of the racially exclusionary club known as the Congressional Black Caucus. He has served in Congress for more than twenty years, and he probably will have the “job” for life, as during the last few congressional elections, he has run unopposed. (In the 2008 presidential election the 10th congressional district went 87% to 13% in favor of Barack Obama.)

What the newspapers and electronic media didn’t tell you is that Donald Payne is positively useless as a representative and that he spends far more time worrying about the conditions in lawless shitholes like Somalia than he does about the conditions of the lawless shitholes in his own congressional district.

Take, for example, the Township of Irvington. Once a beautiful town, made vibrant by the pride that largely blue collar workers took in maintaining their hard-earned homes. The township boasted a thriving business center and a beautiful park.

Now, it has the look and feel of Mogadishu, except that in Irvington only the bad guys are armed. A former corrupt mayor was forced out of office, and crime is so rampant that State Troopers have been enlisted to patrol the streets. Indeed, as of 2007, Irvington had the highest violent crime rate of the New Jersey’s 15 major urban areas (Link). Gangs? You bet.

I, therefore, submit that, in the future, if Mr. Payne is intent on visiting rotting, corrupt, crime-ridden, hell holes, he need not set one foot outside his congressional district.

The good news for Mr. Payne is that the criminals in Irvington don’t have mortars. Yet.

Update: Linked by Doug Ross. Thanks!

I wish I could say that this is a gag, but it’s not. It’s a video prepared for the faculty at Penn State University. The message in this video, which deals with (in the mind of the instructor) a belligerent student, could easily apply to any number of types of students, but veterans have been singled out. Pretty goddamned sickening.

I’ll shut up now and let the video speak for itself.

Via Doug Ross