It started when I noticed an “ouchie” when I chewed on the left side of my mouth. I thought, “Well, maybe I had been clenching my teeth, and that’s what’s causing this,” which seemed plausible, because I have been watching the news. I popped some Motrin and it seemed to work, until the next morning when the pain returned and I noticed that my face was looking a tad lopsided.

I called the dentist and, this not being England (yet), I got a same-day appointment. An x-ray revealed Mr. Abscess. I’m now taking antibiotics, and I’m scheduled for Mr. Root Canal on Thursday. Having endured a few root canals in the past, I am not looking forward to the experience.

Still, as bad as a two-hour root canal procedure is, I would rather sit through one than be forced to watch this unhinged bag of shit even for five minutes.