Seeing as how it’s Valentine’s Day, I think it’s appropriate that I write a few love notes.

To: Nancy Pelosi
Your high-handedness, arrogance, mendacity and douchebaggery positively sicken me. In return for all those times your words and deeds have spiked my blood pressure, I wish for you a massive and chronic case of vaginal itch.

To: Paul Pelosi (Son of Nancy)
I hope you’ve been enjoying the luxurious air travel that we taxpayers have been providing to your momma’s boy-sorry ass. Did the liquor selection and cuisine meet with your satisfaction? If you’d like something else for your next flights (perhaps some Wagyu beef at 150 bucks per pound?), just say the word. After all, nothing is too good for the son of a millionaire “fat cat” hating, champion of the common folk.

To: Harry Reid
I hope you’re enjoying your time in Washington D.C. I believe the people in Nevada must miss you, because it appears that in November, they’ll be bringing you back home where you’ll have to get a real job, perhaps as a hat rack in one of the Vegas casinos.

To: Joy Behar
Woman, if bird shit were brains, you’d have a clean cage. You can always be counted on to dump a truckload of dumbshittery on your small audience, most of which is comprised of mouth-breathing moonbats. You may even be more stupid and annoying than Rosie O’Donnell, but it’s a close call.

To: Michelle Obama
I was most impressed by your awesome vegetable garden, your awesome hula-hoopage and your awesome dedication to having the federal government make sure that people’s children don’t become fatty-fats. Nobody likes fatty-fats. They are not awesome like you. You’re awesomely awesome. In fact, because you’re so very awesome, I have decided to send you a gift.

Enclosed please find a big, round, red nose. It will compliment virtually all your awesome clown outfits.